Who's been reading a bad Harry Potter Fanfiction S
by Claire Violet Thorpe
Summary: Full title: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY. Do you love reading bad fanfiction stories? Then why don't you read these random fics that butcher Harry Potter. plz read & review! No flames allowed! NOW COMPLETED!
1. At the Beginning: October 31, 1981

Hello everyone! Now that we're all done reading the books, it's time to go back to the beginning and relive our favorite moments. I will also be writing an alternative version of **Deathly Hallows** (_in which my character, Jacquel Romanov, dies in the original version and I don't die in the alternative version_), which is coming to a fanfiction site near you.

And now, I present to you a whole bunch of bad fanfiction stories that center on Harry and whoever you wish for him to be paired up with and a bunch of sticky situations that involves everyone in the Potterverse. I also have some original characters who are involved in the series. (_and fyi, I created them, not JK Rowling, so no complaining_!) Here we go!

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

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**At the Beginning: October 31, 1981**

_Ok, so we've got Dumbledore standing in some muggle nieghborhood waiting for McGonagall. She arrives and she is not very happy._

**Dumbledore**: Minerva, we've been through this; the boy stays with his relatives.

**McGonagall**: Oh hell no, Albus he will not! I've seen those people. They are some of the most despicable people that I've ever seen!

**Dumbledore**: But Minerva, they're the only family that Harry has left. Now, where is Hagrid?

_(some hours before, when Sirius finds baby Harry in his destroyed house)_

**Sirius**: I've found you, Harry, we're going home now. (_the baby gurgles_) I'm taking you home and you'll live a happy life with me and the twins. Does that sound ok? (_baby Harry laughs_) I take that as a yes. (_Sirius takes Harry and leaves_.)

_(present time)_

**Hagrid**: Here's the baby, he fell asleep just as we flew over Bristol. (_he shows the old couple the baby_)

**Dumbledore**: Uh, Hagrid, that's not the baby.

**Hagrid**: Sure he is, headmaster. Just look at him.

**McGonagall**: Uh, that's not Harry. That's a girl.

**Hagrid**: Harry's a _GIRL_??

**Dumbledore**: I _did_ tell you to go get Harry, didn't I, Rubeus?

**Hagrid**: Yes you did, but apparently, someone's already beaten me to him. (_frowns_) Oh Merlin, why was I so slow?

**Dumbledore**: We can only hope that whoever has Harry will raise him right. Now, let's deal with this girl that Hagrid found.

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**Results**:

1. Harry grows up with Sirius and his daughters Julia and Jacobine.

2. Vernon and Petunia Dursley end up raising a girl named Rachel Grant.

3. McGonagall stops speaking to Dumbledore for a while. That is, until their daughter Amber's 6th birthday.

4. Hagrid refuses to speak to Amber; she gets mad and refuses to let him come to her party. Hagrid is hurt and decides to go anyway.

And now we have a final question to ask you: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

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Ok, so do you like it? If so, then drop a review. And if you have any questions, suggestions or ideas, please don't hesitate to contact me.


	2. Who’s Your Daddy: the Ultimate Question

WOW! I never expected to get so many of you to actually read this story and review it! You guys rock!

And now, I'm presenting the next round of really bad fanfiction stories. This time, I (_Jacquel Romanov_) am looking for my real father. Oh, this will not be going well...

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

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Who's Your Daddy: the Ultimate Question is Asked

_For those of you who don't want me to get adopted by my cousin Nichollo Trichenberg, here's your chance to make things right…_

**Nichollo**: (_holding baby Jacquel_) Now you listen here, Jacquelyn Claire; you're my last hope. You're going to grow up and make something of yourself. You will not be getting knocked up by some random guy before your 18th birthday…(_Peter Pettigrew shows up_)

**Pettigrew**: Oh hell no, you stupid punk! Step away from my baby daughter! (_Lucius Malfoy shows up_)

**Lucius**: Oh what are you talking about, rat-face? For all we know, she's my baby daughter! I won't have any muggle raising her! (_Remus Lupin walks in_)

**Lupin**: No, you two. Jacquelyn Claire is my baby daughter. So if you could just hand her over…

**Lucius**: I think not. And besides, why should we let her be raised by the likes of you?

**Lupin**: Because I was the one who hooked up with Irene Romanov after her fiancé ditched her and ran away to Africa. (_Warren Limpett shows up_)

**Limpett**: Oh no way are any of you jerks raising the baby. I'm her father, and I'm taking her to Africa and raising her with my new wife.

**Pettigrew**: No you won't, jerk-face! First you ditch Irene when she revealed that she was some king's granddaughter, and then you take off for Africa without telling us, what the hell did you expect? Irene takes up with someone and now Jacquelyn is here.

**Limpett**: Ok. So I was wrong to leave Irene. I'll just go up to her and apologize for my misdeeds…(_Lucius grabs him and shoves him up against the wall_)

**Lucius**: Now listen up here, you little punk, I'm only gonna tell you this once. Irene is dead. You broke her heart. And not only that, you've made enemies of all her friends. They all want to kill you for what you did to Irene.

**Pettigrew**: Sure. Why don't you let them?

**All**: Shut up, Peter!

**Lucius**: Where did you get the gall to do this to a wonderful girl like her?

**Limpett**: If I had hurt Irene, then I'm sorry. I want to make this up to her, and the only way for me to do that is to raise Jacquelyn.

**Lucius**: You will do no such thing. (_waves his wand_) AVADA KEDAVRA! (_Limpett falls down dead_) And now we shall settle this once and for all: we cannot let this pathetic muggle raise my little princess…

**Lupin**: And how do you know that she's yours?

**Lucius**: So we'll have to find out for ourselves who will be raising her. (_Dumbledore arrives_)

**Dumbledore**: And until you can figure that out, I'll be taking her. (_he takes baby Jacquel away from a shocked Nichollo_) It's such a shame that Irene died without naming the father of this little one, and her parents are no help, for they too are dead. But Jacquelyn is alive, and one day she'll be asking who her father is. What will you tell her?**

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****Fatherly Love isn't what it's all cracked up to be:**

1. In a movie called **Rats Don't Lie**, Pettigrew claims to be Jacquel's father. This doesn't bode well for the wizarding world.

2. In another story, which is called **Evil Faith Princess**, Lucius reveals that he too is Jacquel's father. This happens after he yells at Jacquel and Draco for fighting during his visit.

3. In the story **Harry Potter and the Children of the Red King**, (currently on fanfiction-net, Jacquel goes into the veil, where she is asked "_Did Moony not tell you_?" She later finds out that Remus Lupin is her father.

4. Warren Limpett claims to be Jacquel's father on a number of occations, but here's the twist: he ditches Irene Romanov BEFORE she gets pregnant with Jacquel, thus making it impossible for him to even be Jacquel's father.

Now that we have asked that question, here's what we'd like to know: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

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So who really _is_ Jacquel's father? If you have the answer, then drop a review. And if you have any questions, suggestions or ideas, please don't hestiate to contact me. I will publish the results in a later chapter.


	3. I Know I'm Not Gay, but Why Can't I Take

Listen up, guys, we have already seen too many slash fics with Harry in them. Why are they so interesting and (_more importantly_) why do we even read them? For all of you who like slash fics (_including me; I have written several myself_), this chapters deals with a slash pairing like you've never seen it before!

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

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I Know I'm Not Gay, but Why Can't I Take My Eyes off Him: Harry's Dirty Little Dilemma

_For those of you who can't get enough slash fics, here's another one for you. This story takes place at the Yule Ball. Harry and Ron are not enjoying themselves._

**Harry**: I hate Yule Balls.

**Ron**: Yeah, me too.

**Harry**: Can you believe Hermione's dancing with that Victor Krum?

**Ron**: No.

**Harry**: And Jacquel can't dance with either of us; she's stuck with that one guy from Durmstang.

**Ron**: Damn, Nellie will do ANYTHING to get her hooks on Maggie!

**Harry**: Well, take heart, for Mags doesn't even like her. I mean, what boy would go out with a girl who's 3 feet shorter than he is?

**Ron**: Beats me. And I still hate this dress. Honestly, Harry, I think my mum thinks that I'm gay.

**Harry**: Ronald, you are NOT gay! It's just a dress.

**Ron**: That's what they want you to think, Harry.

**Harry**: (_looking at Ron; thinking to himself_) OK, now I know that Ron's wearing a dress, but that's the least of my worries. All I know is that Ron's my best friend, the kind of friend who likes me for who I am...(_Jacquel walks up to them. She is not happy_)

**Jacquel**: You guys OK? (_both boys shake their heads_) Yeah, neither am I. In fact, I'm going to bed. Goodnight. (_she leaves before they could say anything_)

**Ron**: Well, that's kind of tragic.

**Harry**: Yeah, especially since she had to dance with some other guy and not with Maggie.

**Ron**: Or my brother.

**Harry**: (_leaning back into a dark corner thinking to himself_) Why am I even thinking about Ron? He's my best friend, dammit! I can't think those dirty thought about him...or can I?

**Ron**: Harry, are you all right?

**Harry**: Yes, _Ronald_. Now leave me alone!

**Ron**: Ok, Harry, you are NOT ok. What is going on with you?

**Harry**: I don't know. I used to have a crush on Cho, but not anymore; then that skank wrote an article claiming that I was dating Hermione when she's my best friend; and I'm sick and tired of listening to these damn rumors that claim that Jacquel and I have been snogging in dark corners and empty classrooms...

**Ron**: People can be _so_ cruel.

**Harry**: Damn straight! So, anyway, I want all of this to stop.

**Ron**: What? (_look up and you'll see that mistletoe is hovering above their heads. they just don't notice it---yet_)

**Harry**: Yes, Ron. EVERYTHING! I want to stop with all this "_ooooh he's a celebrity_," and the "_check out the Golden Boy_," and the (_now_ _he's going on a tirade. what he says next are unfit for publication_). I just want to be Harry, and not some poster child of the wizarding world. I want---(_he throws_ _himself onto the floor and cries his heart out_.)

**Ron**: (_going over to Harry and holding him_) Harry, don't cry. It's OK, Harry. You still have me. You don't need this attention. All you need is---

**Harry**: (_finally noticing the mistletoe_) Uh, Ron, you do know that there's mistletoe hovering over our heads.

**Ron**: And...

**Harry**: Well, you know what they say: if you are caught under the mistletoe, you have to kiss.

**Ron**: WHAT??

**Harry**: You heard me, Ron. We have to kiss. After all, we're under the mistletoe.

**Ron**: Good point, Harry. Shall we move from it?

**Harry**: I...I can't. (_Ron smiles and hugs him_)

**Ron**: Harry, you know that I'm here for you. You know that, don't you? (_at this, Harry throws his arms around Ron and kisses him_)

**Hermione**: (_walking by and seeing her friends kissing_) Harry? Ron? What the hell are you two doing?

**Ron**: (_breaking off the kiss and looking up at her_) What? (_to Harry_) Oh, crap. We've been busted.

**Hermione**: You're damn right you've been busted! And for that, I'm not speaking to you for a while. Oh, and I'm telling Jacquel. (_she storms off_)

**Harry**: Oh, great! Now you've made Hermione mad, Ron. How could you be so selfish?

**Ron**: You did it too, Harry, so don't get mad at me.

**Harry**: Uh, Ron, I didn't ask for this...(_Ron kisses him and cuts him off. Presently, Julia shows up with several others They see the boys kissing passionately and laugh their heads off_)

**Julia**: Hello, Harry, Ron. (_the boys stop kissing and look up_) You have been CAUGHT! (_the kids laugh even harder and leave_)

**Harry**: Well, that's odd.

**Ron**: Yeah. (_they stand up and walk off_) Where shall we go?

**Harry**: Room of Requirement. We can hide there and no one will ever know.

**Ron**: Not to mention that Hermione's still mad at us...(_they slip off to the Room of Requirement, where they spend the night kissing_)

**Hermione**: (_to Jacquel_) And you won't believe what I saw!

**Jacquel**: What did you see?

**Hermione**: I saw Harry and Ron making out underneath the mistletoe.

**Jacquel**: WHAT??**

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Never ever hook up with your best friend, unless you like Jacquel to be upset, Hermione to be angry, and Julia to just humiliate you!**

1. There is no femmeslash allowed in my stories! Maggie is short for Magnus, Jacquel's childhood friend. Nelena is Jacquel's archrival, even though Jacquel just ignores her, because why should we have to listen to insults that spout from the mouths of angry short girls anyway?  
**Julia**: I want that b-tch to DIE!!

2. Jacquel has a crush on Fred Weasley.  
**George**: Hey, what about me?

3. Ron and Hermione shouldn't be hooking up. Ron and Jacquel should have ended up together. But they're not, because Jacquel's dead.  
**Ron**: Don't give away the story!

4. Harry would gladly trade his celebrity for a quiet life.  
**Neville**: But where does that leave me?

And here's the final point of this story: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

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Do you think that Harry and Ron should be hooking up? If you have an answer, then drop a review. And if you have any questions, suggestions or ideas, please don't hestiate to contact me. I'd love to hear from you.

Next time: Harry Potter Gangsta Rap


	4. Harry Potter Gangsta Rap

Guess what, y'all? It's Friday and you know what that means? Another round of really bad Harry Potter fanfiction stories!

This time, we're gonna kick it up a notch by doing a song called the _Harry Potter Gangsta Rap_. In order to know the rap, you first must listen to the **Star Wars Gangsta Rap**, which is written by the ever-so-hilarious Wierd Al Yankovic. Enjoy!

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

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Harry Potter Gangsta Rap

_For all you Harry Potter fans out there, this one's for you!_

**Lucius**: It's not the East or the West Coast

**Voldemort**: No it's not

**Lucius**: It's not North or South Korea

**Voldemort**: No it's not

**Lucius**: It's the dark side

**Voldemort**: You are correct. I'm posting a warning to all you muggles and Voldie-haters out there, I'll _avada kedavra_ you!

**Snape**: What is thy bidding, my master?

**Voldemort**: It's a diaster, thanks to that damn Harry Potter

**Snape**: What if we can get him to join the dark side?

**Voldemort**: Yes, he'd be a powerful ally. Another dark wizard. He will join us or die!

**Death Eaters**: Cuz we the Death Eaters! Yeah! (_drifts off to a muggle neighborhood, where Harry and Jacquel are_)

**Vernon**: Boy, get your ass over here right now! Quit playing around with that damn wand! Did you do your chores today? And would you please do something about that annoying little unicorn?

**Harry**: You're a big jerk, yeah I'm still on probation, I need to head off to London, she's gotta run away from her evil guardian, but we almost got killed by Dementors

**Moody**: Come kids, let's get out here, we'll fly straight to London and meet the Order of the Phoenix, and prepare to confront Lord Voldemort

**Umbridge**: I'm Umbridge, I'll be your new teacher, we have so much to do now. I know it'll be great, we'll be good friends, but what they say about Voldemort is a lie.

**Harry**: Hey Umbridge, why you being a player-hater? Don't you know that I must fight Lord Voldemort?

**Sean**: But Harry, not ready are you

**Harry**: But he's got Sirius and he's trying to capture my crew. A wizard's gotta do what a wizard's gotta do, so now Voldie, I'm coming for you! (_Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, Luna, Jacquel, and Kirkwood go off to the Ministy of Magic_) C'mon y'all, we're setting a course for the Department of Mysteries. (_Jacquel takes a swig of gin and tonic and passes it around_.)

**Jacquel**: Oh this stuff is good; I should get me another bottle. I've got a feeling that it's gonna get really ugly up in here. (_now everyone's fighting in the Department of Mysteries_)

**Voldemort**: Impressive. Now release your anger, or else I'll kill your precious godfather. (_tears off Sean's shirt_)

**Sean**: Ohhhhh, why'd you show them my mark?

**Voldemort**: You were a fool to keep them in the dark.

**Lucius**: And that stupid fat muggle never bothered telling you about your father.

**Jacquel**: He told me enough! He said your boss killed him!

**Lucius**: Well I must reveal the truth then. I'm your father, I'm your father, I'm your father, I'm your father (_Jacquel: That's not true_!) I'm your father, I'm your father, (_Jacquel: NOOOOOOOOO_!) I'm your father, I'm your father…(_KABOOM_!!)**

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I thought I told you to back off my grill, punk!**

1. Sean LeSouse-Rowes was a Death Eater. Ok, he never wanted to become a Death Eater in the first place but someone handed him over to the Dark Lord. Sean is the leader of the Black Knights, a group that would do everything in its power to crush the Dark Lord.

2. Remember chapter 2? Lucius Malfoy claims to be Jacquel's father. But why would a tart like him claim to be Jacquel's father, especially if Jacquel hates him and his son?

3. Never drink gin and tonic before going into battle. You'll make rash decisions that you'll regret later on in life.

4. I just couldn't resist the "_Star Wars_" approach to Lucius telling Jacquel that he was her father.  
**Luke**: Hey, why'd you do that for?  
**Jacquel**: You're not the only one who has to deal with having a bad guy as a father. Just look at poor little Ernest.  
**Luke**: Yeah, his mom's a crazy ass b-tch.  
**Bellatrix**: Don't make me b-tch-slap you, boy!

5. Now that Lucius has made his claim as Jacquel's father, we'll have to wait and see if Lupin and Pettigrew are going to follow suit. (_which they will_!)

Here's the last part of the song: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

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Did you like the gangsta rap song? Hang on, there's plenty more where that came from! Now review!

Next time: Random Moments, Part 1


	5. Random Moments, Part 1

Ok, it's time for some random moments here. These moments range from silliness to just plain ridiculous. Here we go!

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

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**Random Moments, Part 1**

(_Voldemort is talking to Tyler, Chloe, Corrie Anne, and Addison_)

**Voldemort**: Well, you know what they say: _if hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, then there is no worser crap than a child rejected_. Am I right?

**Chloe**: You sure are.

**Addison**: And besides, children who are rejcted often go bad.

**Voldemort**: But Potter didn't.

**Tyler**: Which Potter? I'm _Tyler_ Potter.

**Voldemort**: Oh, oooops!

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(_Voldemort is confronting Ernest_)

**Voldemort**: You come back here right now, young man! I am your father!

**Ernest**: But I thought that Rudolphus Lestrange is my father!

**Voldemort**: No he's not! Not with my eyes and that white head of yours.

**Ernest**: That's not true!

**Voldemort**: Yes it is, little Ernest, or should I call you Thomas.

**Ernest**: Thomas?

**Voldemort**: That's right, little Thomas. You are not Ernest Rudolphus Grant Lestrange. You are Thomas Salazar Marvolo Riddle.

**Ernest**: But that's not true! Why?

**Voldemort**: Because I had an affair with your mother, shortly before she was sent to Azkaban for torturing the Longbottoms. She later had you and handed you over to her sister.

**Ernest**: Who? Andromeda?

**Voldemort**: Not that pathetic sister. Narcissa. She and her husband raised you.

**Ernest**: But I don't believe any of it.

**Voldemort**: Now you do.

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In order to get this joke, you'll have to watch "_Robot Chicken Star Wars_" to the part where Luke Skywalker and Emperor Palpatine have a "_yo momma fight_". It's funny!

(_Jacquel faces down Jason and Lorraine Luvannokitch at the Dpartment of Mysteries_)

**Jacquel**: Your stupidity is your weakness.

**Jason**: Your love for that werewolf is yours.

**Jacquel**: Oh, yeah? Love for yo momma!

**Jason**: WHAT DID YOU SAY??

**Jacquel**: I said yo momma is so ugly that Durza took one look at her and he was like, "_Dddaaayyynnnggg_!"

**Jason**: Well, yo momma is so stupid; she put the dumb in "_Legally Blonde_"!

**Lorraine**: Hey, everyone, come quick! It's a "_yo momma_" fight! (_everyone stops fighting and gathers around the fighting wizards_.)

**Jacquel**: Yo momma is so stupid; she spent all day trying to alphabetize MandM's! (_everyone else laughs_)

**Jason**: Yo momma is so fat that Brom said to Eragon, "_That's not a dragon, that's yo momma_!" (_everyone else laughs_)

**Jacquel**: Yo momma is so ugly; Voldemort dumped Bellatrix and went out with her! (_everyone else laughs_)

**Jason**: Yo momma is so stupid, she thinks that Eragon and Aragorn are the same person (_no one laughs_)…well, what I meant to say was, well…I…uh…well…Ergaon is a Dragon Rider and Aragorn's not…well, that's how stupid your momma is.

**Jacquel**: Yo momma is so stupid she went to Diagon Alley to get a dragon egg! (_everyone else laughs_) I win!

**Gladys**: Avada Kedavra! (_Jason falls into the veil_)

**Jason**: (_as he dies_) Oh, come on, people! Don't any of you love me?

**Everyone else**: NO!

**Jason**: Damn! (_he dies_)

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(_the kids are in the Great Hall eating lunch_)

**Harry**: This, friends, is some of the best stuff that comes from Middle-Earth.

**Seamus**: What? You've actually gone to Middle-Earth?

**Harry**: And Jacquel's got some sort of slave-lover there as well. (_Jacquel slaps him on the back of his head_)

**Jacquel**: Harry, you idiot! I thought I told you to never talk about Jan! Sheesh!

**Harry**: Apologies.

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(_Voldemort is sitting in his throne room looking very depressed. Pippin is with him_)

**Voldemort**: Oh my life sucks! My spy knocked up that kooky old man's daughter, and I can't watch "_The Crocodile Hunter_" because Steve Irwin got killed by a stingray…Pippin, could you sing me a soothing little song that will take my mind off of this crap?

**Pippin**: (_comes in dressed as a house elf carrying two goblets full of milkshake_) my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard/and they're like, it's better than yours/damn right, it's better than yours/I can teach you, but I have to charge/my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like/it's better than yours/my milkshake, it's better than yours/my milkshake it's better than yours

**Voldemort**: Well, as disturbing as that sounds, it does take my mind off of this crap!

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(_the kids prepare to rush off and save Sirius_)

**Jacquel**: We have to do something!

**Kirkwood**: Well, we can't do anything about it now; that fat b-tch won't let us!

**Umbridge**: WHAT DID YOU SAY??

**Neville**: Unicorns eat carrots!

**Umbridge**: Well, that's what I thought you said! Hmmmm!

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(_during the Lifetime Original Movie (coming soon) Draco Malfoy must face his father and do something that is the total opposite of what he was suspossed to do_)

**Draco**: You think I want to be known as a member of a great and noble wizarding family that will forever be associated with the Dark Lord, isn't it? Oh hell no! You will NOT make me become a Death Eater!

**Lucius**: Oh is that so? Well, here's my answer…(_just then, Ernest comes running to them_)

**Ernest**: No! No no no no no! no more fighting! It's bad and wrong! (_he snatches Lucius and kisses him_)

**Rastaban**: (_pulling him away_) Now hold on just a minute here! I'm your uncle too, Ernest. Why don't you like me?

**Draco**: Because you're an idiot!

**Rastaban**: Nobody asked you, pipsqueak.

**Draco**: Oh no you did NOT just call me a pipsqueak!

**Rastaban**: But Ernest, Lucius Malfoy is a tart. He's thinks he's so great dressed in those elegent clothes, his hair as long as that Romanov brat's, swinging that pimp cane around…

**Bellatrix**: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY??

**Rastaban**: Bella-dear, you know your brother-in-law likes playing with his pimp cane…

**Lucius**: THIS IS NOT A PIMP CANE, RASTABAN LESTRANGE! THIS IS MY WALKING STICK!

**Ernest**: Don't listen to him, Uncle Lucius. Uncle Rastaban is being a jerk, like he always is. (_he kisses Lucius again_)

**Bellatrix**: Lucius Malfoy! Get your hands off my little baby boy or else I'll crucio you!

**Lucius**: Why should I? After all, your little baby boy likes me!

**Rastaban**: Yeah, Bella. Ernest likes Lucius the way you liked Sirius!

**Bellatrix**: I did NOT like Sirius! I was only jealous because that werewolf was hanging out with him.

**Draco**: I don't know what the hell you people are talking about, but Dumbledore is starting to get suspicious.

**Dumbledore**: Would you like for me to stand aside and die quietly so you can finish this family arguement?

**Ernest**: Oh shut up, all of you! I have more important things to do than to kill an old man! (_he kisses Lucius for the 3rd time_)

**Adair, Marya, and Gabriel**: Ewwwwwwww!

**Blaise**: I don't believe it! Your cousin's gay?

**Draco**: Oh my God! Father, you're embarrassing me! Get off of him!

**Lucius**: I would, unless you like for me to reveal to your mother that you have feelings for a certain Gryffindor girl…

**Blaise**: Who? The Weaselette?

**Lucius**: No. Aslan Peter Pettigrew.

**Draco**: Bugger! (_he, Blaise, Adair, Marya, and Gabriel leave_)

**Rastaban**: Well, since young Draco and his friends are gone, let's get the old bastard to the hospital wing. (_they look at Dumbledore. He is dead_) Ok, now that's just wrong!

**Lucius and Bellatrix**: What?

**Rastaban**: He's dead!

**Bellatrix**: Oh, Amber's not gonna like this! Let's take him away and hide him before she finds out.

**Rastaban**: Yeah! Say nothing to the pig-tailed brat. (_Death Eaters take Dumbledore and leave_)

**Lucius**: (_looking at Ernest_) Well, Ernest dear, what was that about?

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(_the kids are being taught magic by Brom_)

**Brom**: The thing _is_ the word. Know the word, and you can control the thing.

**Jacquel**: One question, Professor Brom.

**Brom**: Yes?

**Jacquel**: If you wanted to take someone's voice away, what words do you use?

**Brom**: Why would you want to do that?

**Stacey**: Because a certain pint-sized idiot needs to learn to shut up!

**Blaise**: Yeah! I'm tired of her picking on the Romanov.

**Draco**: And that's my job.

**Brom**: Ok. The word is _tulipitus expellus_.

**Jacquel**: May I try it out?

**Brom**: Well, ok.

**Nelena**: Hey, you stupid little pink-wearing unicorn carrying rich prat! I wish you would just go away and die!

**Jacquel**: (_waving her wand_) TULIPITUS EXPELLUS! (_Nelena's voice is taken away_)

**Blaise**: Oh my God. It actually worked!

**Stacey**: Yes! Finally, some peace and quiet up in herre!

**Students**: YAY!

**Snape**: (_looking in_) Well, if Brom can get Nelena to shut up (_permanently_), then I say let's keep him here.

**Teachers**: YAY!

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(_Jan comes and gives Jacquel a small bottle of gin and tonic_)

**Jan**: My mistress, I have brought you a pint of gin and tonic all the way from Gondor.

**Jacquel**: It now comes in pints?

**Nelena**: Hey! Get me one!

**Harry**: No way, Nellie. You're too short, and besides, you're our designated driver anyway!

**Nelena**: Screw this sh-t! I'm getting my damn beer anyway!

(_Snape cleans Nelena's mouth out with soap_)

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(_Voldemort and the kids are still out there_)

**Voldemort**: And now, I say we go out for some ice cream and watch "_Stardust_".

**Lucius**: (_to Snape_) Ok. He has defintely lost it.**

* * *

Ok, now WHAT IS THIS CRAP??**

1. Voldemort doesn't really like kids, so why is he hanging out with them?

2. Does Voldemort really have a son? Well, it appears that Ernest the little albino could very well be the son of the Dark Lord. Why else are his eyes red and his skin pale? And mayhaps Voldemort really did have an affair with Bellatrix, because after all, a woman such as she wouldn't just be that blindly devoted to the Dark Lord and not bear his son, AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE??

3. In "**The Stories That Make No Sense**," Gladys is an evil witch and Jason is Tyler's godfather. Yes, she kills him in the story. But since we're in Harry-time, and Gladys is a member of the Black Knights and Jason is evil, we have to put that part down.

4. In "**And Now for a Children's Story**", Harry, Jacquel, Ron, Hermione, and Neville take a trip to Middle Earth and get entangled in all its wars.

5. Why would Pippin work for Voldemort? This is an homage to when he worked for Denethor, another crazy jerk. Pippin really needs to get himself a new boss, and a sane one at that!

6. I just had to get that moment from " _South__ Park_." Sounds fitting for that moment, right?

7. In the _Lifetime Original Movie_, Draco backs out of killing Dumbledore and Ernest lures Lucius away from his cousin. And speaking of Ernest, he is actually a sweet young boy who loves art, fashion, and his dysfunctional family. He also has a crush on his uncle, Lucius Malfoy. Ewwwwww. That kid's got some serious problems.

8. Now wouldn't it be great if Brom actually taught at Hogwarts?

9. Gin and tonic from Gondor is very expensive; but then again, Jacquel is a very rich girl.

10. Is Voldemort going from Dark Lord to street-talking punk?

Here's another crappy moment: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

* * *

That's all for now! I will have more random moments in the future.

Next time: Is Dumbledore really that good, or is he a manipulating bastard?

review and send me some Dumbledore stories. I'd love to see what you think of him.


	6. Albus Dumbledore: Benevolent Wizard or M

_And now, I present to you some stories about Dumbledore, who is either a good guy or a stupid manipulating bastard..._

**Lucius**: WHAT WAS THAT?

_I said you're nothing but a stupid tart! Anyway, here's some stories about Dumbledore. Enjoy!_

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

**

* * *

**

Albus Dumbledore: Benevolent Wizard or Manipulator? You Decide!

(_When Dumbledore was still a teacher_)

**Dumbledore**: And then I slapped that no-good jerk across his face. What do you think of that?

**Tom**: You sure are mean.

**Minerva**: And besides, what did he do to deserve that?

**Dumbledore**: Why don't you tell them, Isabella?

**Belle**: Tell them what? That I ditched my husband and he had the nerve to come back and you _crucio'd_ his ass?

**Tom**: You did WHAT?

**Dumbledore**: Oh, oooops! I shouldn't have done _that_!

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(_A Dumbledore/Isabella Moment_)

**Belle**: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, you come back here right now! (_Dumbledore is running from her, pushing students out of the way_)

**Dumbledore**: My goodness, Isabella. It was just one tiny piece of Turkish Delight! Don't overreact!

**Belle**: That was a Christmas gift, you dolt! You stole an entire box of Turkish Delights away from me! Now give them back! (_Dumbledore reaches an empty classroom, where an 18-year-old Minerva McGonagall is studying quietly_)

**Minerva**: Hello, Professor Dumbledore. Fancy meeting you here.

**Dumbledore**: Yes, Miss McGonagall. But if you see Professor Crenshaw, I'm not here.

**Minerva**: You didn't steal any of her candy again, did you? (_Dumbledore hides behind the chalkboard as Isabella enters the classroom_)

**Belle**: Well, you're here early, Minerva. You haven't seen Albus around? (_Minerva shakes her head_) That old fool thinks he can get away with this. Well, he has another thing coming...(_students enter the classroom and Isabella walks to the chalkboard_) OK class, please take out your homework and turn to page 324; we've got a lot to cover today and...(_Tom Riddle raises his hand_) Yes, Tom?

**Tom**: Professor Crenshaw, I saw Professor Dumbledore hiding behind the chalkboard.

**Belle**: Indeed. That fool can fool my students but he can't fool me. Come out of there, Albus! (_Dumbledore steps out from behind the chalkboard, rushes towards Isabella and kisses her_)

**Students**: (_staring in shock and awe_)

**Belle**: I knew you'd do something like that, you pathetic old man. (_to the students_) Class dissmissed. (_the kids leave the room_)

**Dumbledore**: You just love to overreact, don't you?

**Belle**: Now look what you did. You chased away all my students. You are so gonna pay for this.

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(_A few years later, after Dumbledore beats Grindenwald_)

**Belle**: About time you got back.

**Dumbledore**: Why is that?

**Belle**: Because I almost gave up waiting for you

**Dumbledore**: WHAT DID YOU SAY??

**Belle**: I said when you went off to fight that godforsaken excuse for a magician I said that I would wait for you. But now time has passed and I all but gave up on you.

**Dumbledore**: But you didn't, did you?

**Belle**: No.

**Dumbledore**: Good. (_they kiss_)

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(_At Isabella's wedding several years later_)

**Dumbledore**: I thought you said that you would wait for me, Isabella Crenshaw. But now this Paul guy came along and ruined everything! (_Tom comes to him, with Nagini the snake in tow_)

**Tom**: Now can I have the job?

**Dumbledore**: NO! NOW GO AWAY, TOM RIDDLE!

**Tom**: Fine! If I can't have the job, then no one can! But sooner or later, there will come one who will snatch away your reputation and leave you in shambles! Come, dear one; let's not bother with these fine folk. (_he takes Nagini and leaves_)

**Dumbledore**: Fine! Be that way! (_everyone stares at him_) Oh, sorry. Just a stupid misunderstanding. So anyway, Isabella, why couldn't you just marry me? What do you see in Paul Romanov anyway? He's too ugly, he's retarded, and he's not even magic at all. In fact, he has no family on this earth. Why did you marry him?

**Belle**: If you think I married him for his money, then you're wrong, Albus Dumbledore. I married him to get him away from that God-awful place that he has been in since childhood. And I have some news...I'm thinking of retiring.

**Everyone else**: What?? You can't retire! You must be kidding! What are you thinking? The children need you!

**Belle**: And another thing: I'm retiring because I'm expecting a baby.

**Dumbledore**: Unbelievable! You're having a baby, at _your_ age?

**Belle**: Of course. I'm only 40 years old.

**Dumbledore**: But even then I still worry for you. I fear that you may die before ever laying eyes on your grandchildren if you marry this guy and have his child.

**Belle**: Ok, I know you still care about me, Albus, but know I have a baby coming and you can help me take care of it. And if you're still around and I'm not, please keep an eye on my grandchildren. You _will_ take care of them, won't you? (_Paul comes_)

**Paul**: Come, Samantha. We must go home to Bedmount.

**Dumbledore**: Samantha? Is that your name now?

**Belle**: Well, there are some people out there who want Paul dead, for reasons I cannot name right now. So we're hiding out in a small village so that they can't find him.

**Dumbledore**: Isabella Braumlein Crenshaw, you're making a terrible mistake! I can't let you do this! Isabella? (_Paul and Isabella have already left_) Oh, God, what have I done? I let her go off to her death...

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(_when he becomes Headmaster_)

**Dumbledore**: From now on, students, we're actually going to try and enjoy ourselves as well as learn something.

**Random student**: Ok...how will we have fun?

**Dumbledore**: By doing this...(_bags of candy hang over the kids' heads. a shock of lightning pops them_) CANDY TIME! (_he dances around the Great Hall, acting like a complete idiot_)

**Minerva**: (_talking to Poppy Pomfrey_) He has totally lost it.

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(_talking to Minerva_)

**Dumbledore**: I can't believe that I let her go off to her death! I never should have let her marry Paul in the first place!

**Minerva**: But why Paul? He's rich and famous. What do you have against him?

**Dumbledore**: Well, I'm not speaking of Isabella alone. I mean, I don't want anyone's daughter to marry Paul Romanov. I myself wish that I had a daughter so I can forbid her from marrying Paul.

**Minerva**: Well, it's not too late.

**Dumbledore**: Yes it is. For me, that is, but not you.

**Minerva**: I see. But mayhaps we should consider that Isabella is happy in her marriage.

**Dumbledore**: Meaning...

**Minerva**: Isabella says that she's never been happier with her husband; and her daughter Irene is the best thing she's ever had.

**Dumbledore**: So maybe I was right to let her go then.

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(_lecturing the Marauders_)

**Dumbledore**: Now you listen here James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew...

**Pettigrew**: Hey, you forgot Shannon!

**Dumbledore**: ...and Shannon Rowes, I'm tired of hearing about how you kids make fun of Severus Snape on a daily basis...

**Snape**: Damn straight!

**Dumbledore**: Therefore as punishment, I want all of you kids to become friends with Severus...forever! Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!

**Kids**: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

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(_Amber's birthday_)

**Minerva**: Where are you, Albus? Get back here! (_Dumbledore, who is eating candy, returns to his wife's side_) Can't you see that the baby will be born soon?

**Dumbledore**: Oh is that so? Perhaps I can feed it some candy.

**Minerva**: Albus, you idiot! You don't feed a baby candy!

**Poppy**: The baby's about to come very soon, Minerva. Aren't you excited?

**Minerva**: I'd be more excited if its father didn't eat so much candy. It's not good for him.

**Dumbledore**: Please don't talk about my candy habit.

**Minerva**: Albus, you know you're making yourself sick because...(_she can't go on, because she's screaming her head off_)

**Dumbledore**: Oh, Minerva, always gotta be the drama queen...(_he looks at the baby in Minerva's arms_)

**Poppy**: Surprised, aren't we? Well, anyway, it's a girl.

**Dumbledore**: Indeed. I have picked out a name for her.

**Minerva**: Which will be...

**Dumbledore**: Her name is Isabella Oriana Belinda Minerva Dumbledore.

**Minerva**: Are you sure about that, Albus?

**Poppy**: After all, you are naming her after the woman you once loved.

**Dumbledore**: I see. But that shall be her name, unless you can come up with something better.

**Minerva**: I have an idea. We'll name her Amber.

**Dumbledore**: Why Amber?

**Minerva**: Why not? The way I look at her, I see the color of amber everywhere. She is precious to us.

**Dumbledore**: I see. (_to baby Amber_) Now you listen here, Amber Guinevere Cassandra Rhiannon Hecate Athena Dumbledore McGonagall, you're my last hope. You are going to make something of yourself, and I won't have you running off and marrying anyone who looks even remotely like Paul Romanov.

**Minerva**: Oh, please, Albus! She doesn't know anything of marriage. She's just a baby.

**Dumbledore**: But Amber is a very special baby. I just want to protect her, like I failed to protect Isabella...

**Minerva**: Oh God! Here we go again about Isabella!

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(_meeting Jacquel for the first time_)

**Jacquel**: So let me get this straight: I'm a witch?

**Dumbledore**: That's right, Miss Romanov. And like your mother and grandmother before you, you shall be attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

**Jacquel**: Hogwarts? But I always thought that my family went to Kartorough Academy. Nichollo said so himself.

**Dumbledore**: He did what? NICHOLLO!

**Nichollo**: What?

**Dumbledore**: Are you telling her more lies?

**Nichollo**: Ok, so I may have told a few little lies about her family here and there, but nothing really harmful.

**Dumbledore**: I see. It will only be a matter of time before you are either blown to pieces, killed by a werewolf, or executed for a crime that is unfit for a children's book. Come, Miss Romanov. (_he takes Jacquel and leaves_)

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(_Dumbledore's death_ _during the assault on Hogwarts_)

**Snape**: I hope you know what you are doing, you crazy old man!

**Dumbledore**: Of course I know what I'm doing, you greasy prat! Just kill me now and let's get this over with!

**Snape**: Ok, fine! I don't know why we even agreed to this deal! I don't want to kill you, and besides, Draco is a patsy!

**Dumbledore**: Severus, you better kill me right now or else Joanne will get mad at the both of us! You and I both know what she's like when she's angry…

**Snape**: But I don't want to do it! You've been like a father to me! It's not fair! Why do you want to die? (_he breaks down and starts crying—wait! There are Death Eaters in the tower! Snape can NOT cry in front of them_!)

**Dumbledore**: Severus Snape, if I don't hear the words _Avada Kedavra_ within the next 5 seconds, you won't get to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts next year!

**Snape**: Oh, I know you just didn't say that to my face! (_audibly_) Avada Kedavra! (_inaudibly_) Turn that annoying candy-loving fool into a phoenix!

**Dumbledore**: (_hit by curse and falls off the tower_) Wheeeeeeeee! I'm flying! Thanks Severus! I owe you one! (_lands safely on the ground, then turns into a phoenix and hides_) Oh, this is going to be priceless! (_he laughs as he sees everyone in the school finding out about his "_death_" and weeping profusely_)

**Snape**: (_witnessing the results of his handiwork_) Oh crap, I am so in big trouble with Potter! I hope he goes easy on me...

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(_In the Afterlife_)

**Dumbledore**: I'm sorry I let you down, Isabella; your granddaughter's life sucks and all...

**Belle**: You sure as heck did, Albus! Your stupdity lead my daughter to disaster!

**Irene**: Yeah, thanx a lot!

**Paul**: You could have done better for Jacquelyn, you know.

**Dumbledore**: I only took care of her because she was Isabella's granddaughter, but you, Paul, or should I say Nicholas, leave me very much to be desired.

* * *

**Ok, now who the heck is Dumbledore??**

1. Dumbledore doesn't go around slapping people. This is so unlike him.

2. Dumbledore was once in love with a woman named Isabella Braumlein Crenshaw, who was a teacher at Hogwarts. That is, until she broke his heart by marrying someone else.

3. Sorry folks, but the battle between Dumbledore and Grindelwald is just too violent for this story.

4. Unfortunately for Dumbledore, Isabella marries a man named Paul Romanov. And while we're on the subject of marriage, Dumbledore ends up marrying Minerva McGonagall, but not before some time has passed.

5. And dealing with Tom, he wanted the DADA post, but Dumbledore the idiot didn't give him the job. Tom then says that the job would never be filled until one who is worth comes along. And we all know who that is!

6. In the case of Isabella, when she married Paul, she changed her name to Samantha to protect her husband from anyone who would want to kill him. She later has a daughter named Irene, whose daughter Jacquelyn spent most of her life under Dumbledore's radar. Or let's pretend that Dumbledore could have been Jacquel's grandfather...or maybe not.

7. Not only does Dumbledore mess with people, he loves to eat candy. Can we even trust this guy?

8. Oddly enough, Dumbledore and McGonagall hook up shortly after this conversation.

9. Now wouldn't it be great if Dumbledore actually forced the Marauders and Snape to become friends?

10. Well, believe it or not, Amber became a very powerful witch at a young age; when she was almost 6 years old, she helped/witnessed baby Harry defeating Lord Voldemort. But she was far from being daddy's perfect little angel; in fact she has an affair with Severus Snape. Yikes!

11. Dumbledore takes care of Jacquel because she is the granddaughter of Isabella Braumlein Crenshaw Romanov, yet he screws up when he allows the orphaned witch to be raised by her cruel yet philandering cousin, Nichollo Trichenberg.

12. And that's what happens when Dumbledore is being a jerk to poor Snape. That idiot had some nerve to trick everyone into thinking that he was dead.

13. Well, Dumbledore didn't get thanked for his efforts to keep Jacquel safe. What did you people expect?

And here's the answer to the question: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

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That's all for now! I will have more scenes featuring Dumbledore in the future.

Next time: **Of Potters & Malfoys** (_and really annoying fangirls in between_)

Please review and send me some of your ideas. I might post them with your name as the credits.


	7. Potters & Malfoys & Fangirls, Oh My!

**Pink Royale**: Don't you just love those slash fics involving Harry and Malfoy?

**Malfoy**: No _I_ don't.

**Pink Royale**: Oh shut up, Evil Faith!

**Harry**: Yeah, Jacquel. It's not even like that!

**Julia**: Oh yes it is, Harry! Not a day goes by when I'm not catching you and Malfoy shagging in empty classrooms and dark corners and tiny cupboards...

**Pink Royale**: Admit it, Harry. You _like_ Malfoy.

**Harry**: No I don't.

**Julia**: Yes you do.

**Harry**: No I _don't_!

**Pink Royale**: Yes you do!

**Malfoy**: You fangirls are sooo annoying!

**Harry**: Why do you two like this kind of crap?

**Pink Royale**: Maybe it's because those fanfiction writers like the idea of you two hooking up.

**Malfoy**: Those writers are a bunch of fangirls who like seeing us shag.

**Harry**: And how long has THAT been going on?

**Pink Royale**: Well, it all began when our parents were at Hogwarts...

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This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: **I own nothing**!

* * *

**Concerning Potters & Malfoys** (_and really annoying fangirls in between_)

**Pink Royale**: And now for the first Potter/Malfoy paring: **James** and **Lucius**.

**Malfoy**: And what does this have to do with us?

**Harry**: Jacquel says that our fathers were the ones who started all of this sh-t.

**Julia**: And what about the fangirls?

**Pink Royale**: Yes, Jules. There are some fangirls in this story.

(_scene change_)

**Lucius**: Hahahahahahaha! It's the great James Potter and his little posse, coming just to annoy us with their pranks!

**Sirius**: Yeah right, tart-face!

**Peter**: You think you're so great with your elegant clothes and your long hair, swinging that pimp cane around...

**All**: PETER?

**Peter**: What? Lucius Malfoy is a tart!

**Remus**: A tart is something you eat, not a person.

**James**: But I still say that you, Lucy, are nothing but a little sissy.

**Shannon**: It's so obvious! I mean, that guy wears pink. PINK!

**Peter**: And _you_ dress as a hippie, with your flowing dresses and your uncombed hair and your bare feet...

**All**: SHUT UP PETER!

**Lucius**: And _you_ call me a tart! A BLOODY TART! Peter Pettigrew, I challenge you to a duel. Tonight. In the Room of Requirement. At midnight.

**All**: WHAT?

**Peter**: But I'm no good at dueling! You'll just turn me into a pig!

**Lucius**: Yeah, like you don't deserve that, Pettigrew!

**James**: Hey, Malfoy, pick on someone your own size! How about you and I fight tonight?

**Lucius**: Fine by me! I'll be happy to crush you!

**James**: Like _I_ won't be able to crush _you_, you pathetic little demon!

**Shannon**: I say that James is so gonna take Lucius down.

**Peter**: You're on, Petals.

**Pink Royale**: We now see James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Shannon walking towards the Room of Requirement preparing to face Lucius. He is standing there with his cronies Crabbe and Goyle.

**Malfoy**: Oh, boy! Let the crapfest begin!

**Pink Royale**: Shut up, Evil Faith.

(_later that evening_)

**Luicus**: Well well well, if it isn't that annoying James Potter and his little freinds, all who foolishly decided to challenge me. You're pathetic.

**James**: Let's end this! (_they fight. Peter runs out the room screaming. The others watch with anticipation. Finally, Professor McGonagall comes_)

**Minerva**: What are you children doing up this late?

**James**: Just a midnight duel, ma'am.

**Minerva**: I see. I suggest that you all go to bed now! (_the kids all groan as she firmly sends them to bed. But Lucius has another idea. He snatches James and shoves him into a closet_.)

**James**: Ok, Lucy, what is with you?

**Lucius**: This! (_he pounces on James and kisses him. Jacobine Kalligan sees them and gets mad_)

**Jacobine**: Lucius Malfoy and James Potter, what on earth are you two doing? KISSING? I'm surprised at you, Lucius. You're a Slytherin! Slytherins and Gryffindors are NOT meant to get along!

**Lucius**: Oh, please, Jacob! You yourself once said that we should all be getting along.

**Jacobine**: Yeah, but not like this! You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

**James**: Jake, sometimes in life you need to learn tokeep your Holy nose out of other people's business.

**Jacobine**: Oh, is that so? Then I say that you two shall burn in Hell for this! I will NOT tolerate your behavior. Come Lucius; it's way past your bedtime, anyway.

**Lucius**: And who are you to be telling me that it's time for bed? Go to bed yourself!

**Jacobine**: LUCIUS MALFOY! GO TO BED NOW OR ELSE I'LL SPANK YOU!

**Lucius**: Yes, _mother_. (_to James_) This isn't over, Potter. Not by a long shot.

**James**: What do you mean?

**Lucius**: We'll be seeing each other every night in the Room of Requirement from now on.

**James**: Doing what? (_Lucius kisses him_)

**Jacobine**: (_getting angry_) LUCIUS?

**Lucius**: I'm coming, _mother_! (_to James_) I'll see you tomorrow night, Jamie-Dear. (_he blows a kiss in James's direction and leaves with Jacobine. James faints as Shannon approaches him_)

**Shannon**: What happened, James? What did that punk do to you?

**James**: (_dreamily_) I don't know. (_he then recovers and gives Shannon a small bag of coins_) Petals, do me and yourself a favor and buy yourself a new sibling. Your sister sucks!

**Pink Royale**: And that's how the story of the first Potter/Malfoy pairing went. Any questions?

**Malfoy**: I don't get it. How could my father be the one who started this?

**Julia**: And there's no way in Hell that my mother was ever a fangirl. Not with her behavior.

**Harry**: God, Shannon really needs to get a new sister, and a nicer one at that!

**Pink Royale**: Of course. But here's how the story ends: _Lucius Malfoy and James Potter hated each other during the day, but every night, they were secret lovers. And that continued until they graduated from Hogwarts and married the women whom they loved_.

**Julia**: Oh, how sweet! The slash! The passion! The...

**Malfoy**: You dumb little annoying fangirl, Jacquel hasn't even finished yet!

**Pink Royale**: _And then Lucius became a Death Eater and James joined the Order of the Phoenix; they would never meet again. Lord Voldemort came along and killed James and Lily and tried to kill Harry, but Harry stopped him. And Lucius was a cruel man and his son Draco was likewise_. So much for being James's lover, eh?

**All**: Hmmmm, yeah. (_scene moves to Lucius Malfoy, who is sitting at home staring into his old yearbooks. He then starts thinking about James and the many nights they had spent together as lovers_)

**Lucius**: Oh, James, why did you have to die! (_starts crying his heart out_)

* * *

**Pink Royale**: And now for the second Potter/Malfoy paring: **Harry **and **Draco**.

**Malfoy**: Finally! _We're_ in this story!

**Harry**: I'm not sure about this, Draco. After that last part, I can't honestly say whether or not I'll be able to watch this episode.

**Julia**: You better, Harry, or else I'll be humiliating you!

**Pink Royale**: God, Jules. You are so mean!

**Jacobine**: Yeah, Jules, stop humiliating Harry!

**Malfoy**: Don't talk like you're not doing it too, Jacobine!

**Pink Royale**: Uh, can we get on with the story?

(_scene change_)

**Draco**: Oh look, guys; it's Potter, Weasel, Mudblood, and Pinky out of class! (_Crabbe and Goyle laugh_)

**Jacquel**: Shut up, Evil Faith. Don't you have anything better to do?

**Ron**: Yeah, Malfoy. Go be a jerk to Nelena, because basically, she's such a prick.

**Hermione**: That's not very nice, Ron!

**Harry**: No, seriously, Hermione; Malfoy needs to pick on someone other than the four of us.

**Jacquel**: And I'll have it known that his daddy is in Voldemort's inner circle! (_they giggle_)

**Draco**: I heard that!

**Jacquel**: No, I'm serious. Your daddy works for Voldemort! He's nothing but a jerk!

**Hermione**: Yeah, Draco, and you're nothing but a spoiled brat! (_they all laugh_. _Nelena comes to them; she is very angry_)

**Nelena**: Hey, you stupid rich pink princess, you should just die; you're nothing but a spoiled brat!

**All**: GO AWAY NELENA! NOBODY LIKES A BULLY, ESPECIALLY A SHORT ONE!

**Draco**: Yeah, you stupid chick, why don't _you_ just go away and die!

**Harry**: And stop picking on Jacquel. Damn, why can't you be like everyone else and not bother her?

**Jacquel**: And if I hear one more cruel insult from you, I'm gonna tell Professor McGonagall, who will expel YOU!

**Ron**: Or we can just send you to Azkaban! (_everyone laughs_)

**Nelena**: You guys are gonna be real sorry when I get through with you! (_she walks off as everone continues laughing. Just then, Jacquel attacks her and locks her in a cupboard._)

**Jacquel**: I don't know what's going on with you, but I'm getting real tired of you telling me to "_go away and die_". What the hell is your problem?

**Nelena**: _You're_ the problem, Pinky. You're too nice and so popular and smart and I don't even have _one_ single friend! You need to go away and die now!

**Harry**: Shut the hell up, Nelena!

**Draco**: Yeah, Nelena, you should go kill yourself; you're pathetic and abusive!

**Others**: Yeah. Go away and die!

**Nelena**: You should die, you stupid witch! Nobody likes an oprhan! (_Jacquel ignores her_) What the f-ck is wrong with you, you stupid b-tch? I told you to go away and die! (_Jacquel still isn't listening to her_) You better listen to me when I'm talking to you! Die now! (_Jacquel's now talking to Hermione_) I THOUGHT THAT I TOLD YOUR JIVE LITTLE A TO GO AWAYAND DIE! WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF FREAK? (_Harry gets mad and yells at Nelena_)

**Harry**: That does it! I've had it with you and your stupidity! Jacquel's not a freak and she's not going to go away and die! ANd I don't want to hear that word ever again!

**Draco**: Yeah, what Potter said! So why don't _you_ go jump off the Astronomy Tower and give us a lifetime's peace! ANd besides, making fun of Jacquel Romanov is MY job, NOT YOURS!

**Nelena**: Since you won't do as I say and kill the princess, I'm gonna push you all off the Astronomy Tower! (_to Jacquel_) Jump off the Astronomy Tower and die! NOW! (_Professor Snape shows up_)

**Snape**: I heard everything that you have said, Miss Luvannokitch, and I'm afraid that I must send you to the headmaster's office. I will NOT tolerate this behavior out of you! (_he goes into the cupboard,picks Nelena up and takes her to the headmaster's office_) I suggest that the rest of you get to class NOW! (_everyone runs to their classes.)_

**Julia**: Damn, why you guys being so mean to her?

**Malfoy**: Quit defending her, Black. Did you see the way she treated your best friend?

**Pink Royale**: And besides, nobody likes a person who says, "_Go away and die_!"

**Harry**: What happens next?

**Pink Royale**: We'll see.

(_Later that afternoon_. _the kids are on their way to class when Harry trips and falls on Draco's robes. They start fighting_)

**Draco**: You are so gonna take back what you said about my father, you little brat!

**Harry**: But I didn't do it!

**Draco**: You're gonna be sorry when I'm through with you! (_just then, Jacquel comes to them_)

**Jacquel**: Hey, Evil Faith, pick on someone your own size!

**Harry**: Shut the hell up, Malfoy!

**Ron**: Yeah, Malfoy,you're nothing but a spoiled brat, just like your father!

**Hermione**: Nobody likes a jerk like you!

**Draco**: _You_ should talk, you stupid mudblood!(_Ron gets mad and punches him across his face_)

**Ron**: You better take that back, you little prat!

**Draco**: _You_ should talk, you stupid weasel!

**Jacquel**: _You_ should talk, _Evil Faith_! (_Harry rushes over to them_)

**Harry**: That's enough, you guys.He isn't worth it.

**Hermione**: Hello? Malfoy just called me a mudblood! Aren't you going to do something about it?

**Draco**: Yeah, aren't you going to do something about it, Potter? I think NOT! (_he snatches Harry and shoves them intoa closet_)

**Harry**: What the hell was that for?

**Draco**: Being mean to me and being friends with the weasel, the mudblood and Jacquel Romanov and not with me.

**Harry**: Are you sure?

**Draco**: Yeah. And the only reason that I hate you is because you wouldn't become my friend. You let the weasel and the pink princess influence you that night.

**Harry**: Well, if you weren't such a git then we would have become friends, now would we?

**Draco**: But I don't want to be your friend, Potter. I want more.

**Harry**: What do you mean "_more_"?

**Draco**: Like this! (_he pounces on Harry and they kiss. A short while later, Julia Black comes along and opens the door_.)

**Julia**: (_seeing the boys kissing_) Hello Harry, Draco...

**Boys**: Hello, Julia.

**Julia**: You have been CAUGHT! (_she laughs her head off_)

**Draco**: Honest to God, Black! What the hell is so damn funny?

**Julia**: Oh, nothing, just the fact that I saw you guys kissing! And guess what? I'm gonna tell everyone! SQUEE! (_she runs from the closet_)

**Draco**: And I thought that she was Jacquel's best friend. Julia Black is nothing but a fangirl! Come on, Potter; let's go somewhere else so she can't find us...(_they run off to the Room of Requirement, where they spend the rest of the day kissing_)

**Julia**: Guess what, y'all? I caught Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy making out today!

**Jacquel**, **Ron**, and **Hermione**: WHAT?

**Pink** **Royale**: And that's how the story of the second Potter/Malfoy pairing went. Any questions?

**Malfoy**: Wow! I never thought that I'd fall for Potter after all these years!

**Julia**: Hahahahaha! I am such a fangirl!

**Harry**: Oh God, Julia! You're so cruel! Anyway, whatever happened to Nelena?

**Pink** **Royale**: Not that anyone would care, but here's how the story ends: _Nelena got expelled and Harry and Draco hid their relationship from everyone. Jacquel, however, decided to stop being passive and take on a more active lifestyle; namely wearing less pink and becoming more aloof and assertive_. The end.

**Julia**: Oh, c'mon people! What about the slash! The passion! The...

**Malfoy**: Shut up, you dumb little annoying fangirl! She already spoke about us! The story is now done.

* * *

**Pink Royale**: And now for the final Potter/Malfoy paring: **Albus** **Severus** and **Scorpius**.

**Malfoy**: What's this? Our future sons are in a relationship?

**Harry**: No effing way!

**Julia**: Ok, so who's the fangirl in this story?

**Pink Royale**: Oh, you'll see, Jules.

(_scene change_)

**Rose**: Uh-oh, here he comes!

**All**: Who?

**Rose**: Scorpius Malfoy. (_all panic as Scorpius walks by_)

**Scorpius**: Hello Rose, Hugo, James, Albus...

**All**: Hello, Scorpius.

**Scorpius**: I'd really love to stay and chat, but I have to get to class. And you should too. See you later. (_he leaves. London Reynolds comes_)

**London**: I'd be nervous about Scor if I were you.

**Hugo**: Why?

**London**: Well, for starters, his father is Draco Malfoy, one of the meanest students that has ever graced the halls of Hogwarts. Number 2, Scor's grandfather is Lucius Malfoy, who was in Voldemort's inner circle and...

**James**: We know, we know. Lucius Malfoy was a tart.

**Rose**: Remember that time he came to school wearing those elegant clothes, his hair as long as Jacquel's...

**Albus**: Swinging that pimp cane around? (_all laugh_)

**London**: Yeah. He's still a tart after all these years! Come on, guys. Barbara Evans is about to do another prank! And this time, she's pranking Fallon Robertsen! (_all but Albus leave_)

**Albus**: (_to himself_) Sure I go along with London, James, and my cousins when making fun of Scor, but do I really want to keep making mean jokes about him? All I'm doing is hurting his feelings and I hate hurting other people's feelings. (_Sable the unicorn neighs gently and prods him in the direction of Slytherin Tower)_ Ok, ok, Sable. I'm going, I'm going!

**Pink Royale**: Ok. I really don't know who these people are.

**Malfoy**: Hello, they're our future kids!

**Pink Royale**: But where are _mine_? Shouldn't _they_ be in this story?

**Harry**: Oh, yeah that's right, I meant to tell you that Joanne said that you end up marrying Fred Weasley and you had triplets.

**Pink Royale**: Yay!

**Malfoy**: But you and Fred both died and never got to see them grow up.

**Pink Royale**: WHAT?

**Julia**: Then I leave Jed, marry George, and had a daughter, which I name after you and Fred.

**Malfoy**: You're kidding, Julia. You leave your muggle boyfriend and marry a weasel? God, you're worse than your father!

**Jacobine**: And what about me?

**Harry**: Funny, you weren't even mentioned, apart from the names of your children.

**Pink Royale**: Commercial break is over; now back to the show!

(_Later that evening. Albus is making his way back to the Slytherin Common Room when London attacks him from behind_)

**London**: And where do you think you're going, Albus Severus Potter?

**Albus**: Uh, nowhere?

**London**: Ha! That's what you want me to think! You're gonna see Scorpius, aren't you?

**Albus**: Well...

**London**: You're insane, Al. Completely and totally insane. I think you like Scor.

**Albus**: No I don't!

**London**: Yes you do, Al. Admit it; you like him!

**Albus**: Leave me alone, London! Don't you have anyone else to bother? Ugh! (_he storms off to Slytherin tower and throws himself down on his bed. Sable neighs and nudges him_) Go away, Sable; leave me alone to die. (_he cries bitterly_.)

**London**: Ok, now what was that about? (_Scorpius approaches her_)

**Scorpius**: Why are you so mean to him, London? Don't you know who he is?

**London**: Of course I know who he is, Scor. He's the son of Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived.

**Scorpius**: And why do you make fun of me? Why are you always making fun of me?

**London**: Because your dad's a jerk and your grandpa's a tart. Oh, wait, I heard that your grandpa was once in Voldemort's inner circle!

**Scorpius**: WHAT?

**London**: And not only that, your father had two other kids with this one girl who had some kind of illicit relationship...

**Scorpius**: Leave me alone, London Reynolds, or else I'll expose _your_ family secrets! (_he storms off to Slytherin tower and heads straight to his dorms. however, when he gets to his bed he sees Albus already there, crying_) Off my bed, Albus.

**Albus**: Oh, this is your bed? I'm sorry; I'll just leave now. (_he makes to leave, but Scorpius stops him_)

**Scorpius**: Has London given you any troubles?

**Albus**: Well, since she's my friend, I can't say for sure, but I really don't like how she makes fun of you and your family.

**Scorpius**: I know, I'm used to it, my father being a git, my grandfather being a tart...

**Albus**: And not only that, London dared to mention that your grandather was a Death Eater...

**Scorpius**: She WHAT? Oooooh, that b-tch is so dead!

**Albus**: London also had the nerve to say that I'm attracted to you.

**Scorpius**: Oh God! No she didn't! Or did she?

**Albus**: Sad, isn't it? (_thinks to himself_) _You got him right where you want him...now kiss him! What are you waiting for? Just kiss him!_

**Scorpius**: Are you ok, Albus? I know London can say some pretty mean things but don't let her get to you...(_just then Albus pounces on Scorpius and they kiss. A short while later Jacqueline-Fredricka Weasley, or Jared to the Slytherins, shows up_)

**Jared**: I can't believe that Fallon! That little prat can't even take a joke! (_she sees Albus and Scorpius kissing_) Oh my Gods! What the hell are you two doing?

**Albus**: Hello, Jared, and how are you today?

**Jared**: Don't you dare "_Hello Jared_" me, Albus Severus Potter! I saw what you were doing!

**Scorpius**: Oh, no, Jared! Don't tell London! She would tease me to no end!

**Jared**: Oh, please, Scor! You'd think I'd _really_ tell her? Not on your life! I won't give her the satisfaction!

**Scorpius**: You know, Jared, you're not like most fangirls.

**Jared**: How?

**Albus**: Well, for one thing, our grandfathers used to make out every night and your grandmother snapped on them; our fathers also dated and your mother was nothing more than a squeeling fangirl; but now it's me and Scorpius and you...let's just say that you're nothing like your mother or your grandmother.

**Scorpius**: Yeah, Jared. You are your own person.

**Jared**: Indeed. And since I am different, I won't squee like my mother or slam you like my grandmother.

**Albus**: So you're perfectly ok with it?

**Jared**: Why shouldn't I be? After all, London and I were beginning to suspect that you had a crush on Scorpius the moment you two first met.

**Scorpius**: You must be kidding, right?

**Jared**: I'm not, Scor. You did kind of like Albus. It was all London's idea, having you two hook up. And now that you're together, what can we do with you? (_that night, London, Jared, and Kenny are watching Albus and Scorpius kissing like maniacs_)

**London**: It's about time he cracked! I always knew that he liked Scor. Albus owes me for that lie. I mean he owes me big time!

**Jared**: Oh come on now, London! You set them up, didn't you? You knew that Albus had it in for Scor!

**Kenny**: Not to mention that I spoke to Scor earlier that day and I made him admit his feelings for Albus.

**Jared**: You're so mean, Ken. _You_ actually tricked Scor into revealing his deepest, darkest secrets! ( _London__ laughs her head off_) Stop laughing, London; you're no better!

**London**: Well, Jared, if it weren't for me, then our poor Albus would have been lost, just like on that TV show; am I right?

**Kenny**: Hmmm, yeah.

**Jared**: Well, at least I'm happy for them, aren't I? (_taking one last look at the happy couple before the trio went to their dorms to turn in for the night_)

**Pink Royale**: And that's how the story of the third Potter/Malfoy pairing went. Any questions?

**Malfoy**: Hey, wait a minute? Aren't you going to be doing any more Potter/Malfoy parings?

**Julia**: What's this? My future daughter isn't even acting like a fangirl! What's really going on here?

**Harry**: Oh, Julia, _really_! Your daughter is a million times smarter than you are cruel! Anyway, how does the story end?

**Pink Royale**: End? No way! This story is just beginning! Joanne said so in the epilogue! Didn't you read that?

**Harry**: Yeah, but she just took my son's story and left it hanging. YOU DON'T EVER TAKE ANYONE'S STORY AND LEAVE IT HANGING! What happens next?

**Pink Royale**: Well, if you must know, here's how the story went: _Albus and Scorpius hooked up, much to the shock of the entire school and the wizarding world. Unfortunately, their fathers also hooked back up_. The end.

**Julia**: I'm getting sick and tired of all the shock! Why can't they just accept the slash?

**Malfoy**: For the last time, shut up, you dumb little annoying fangirl!

**Harry**: Hey Jacquel, aren't you going to be doing more stories?

**Pink Royale**: Perhaps. But right now, I just want to take care of the canon characters before someone else gets to them. (_to audience_) Thanks for watching the show! See you soon with more embarrasing stories!

* * *

**What did I tell you? Malfoys and Potters go together like peanut butter and jelly**!

1. Lucius is just too much of a tart to hook up with James Potter. And James is nothing but a Marauder; too immature to be with the likes of Lucius Malfoy.

2. Jacobine's behavior certainly costed her her siblings, her future, and ultimately her life.

3. We already have seen way too many Harry/Draco hookups, but seriously, folks, are they necessary? Well of course they are! That's why we love fanfiction!

4. Ok, Joanne put it in out heads that Draco is a jerk and Harry's just Harry. So why do we love to hook them up?

5. Is Julia nothing more than a peeping Tom, or does she like the idea of Harry and Draco hooking up?

6. And in Jacquel's case, teasing is bad and teasing is wrong. Teasing always leads to school shootings; isn't that sad?

7. Nelena needs to learn to keep her mouth shut. It's always people like her who cause a lot of problems in schools, making schools unsafe and children hate school and fear school and eventually quit school.  
**Rachel**: I want all of you to sign a petition and send it to Pink Royale asking her to kill off Nelena. We don't want people like her destroying the Harry Potter genre!

8. Joanne has intorduced us to some new characters, but here's some characters who are feateured along with them:  
**London Reynolds**: goddaughter of James Morgan, who is Harry's godson in a number of fanfics  
**Jacqueline-Fredricka Weasley** (a.k.a. Jared): Julia and George's daughter, named after George's brother Fred and Julia's BFF Jacquel, both of whom married and died in several fanfics. Sadly, our favorite fangirl ditches her boyfriend after Jacquel's death and marries a sad George.  
**Kenneth Braumlein**: good friend of London and Jared; his orgins are a mystery.  
**Sable**: the son of Jacquel's beloved pet unicorn, he is often seen with Jared.

9. Jared doesn't seem to be much of a fangirl, but c'mon folks, you know the drill: a (male) Potter and a (male) Malfoy hook up, and a fangirl catches them by surprise. How and why it had to be a female descendant of Jacobine Kalligan we'll never know.

10. And here's another lesson we have to learn: never take a story and leave it hanging! Of course we fanfiction writers can fill in the slots, becasue that's what we do; am I right, people?

And we have one more Potter/Malfoy hookup question: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

* * *

Next time: **The Beginning of an Insane Romance, Part 1**

Please review and send me some of your ideas. I might post them with your name as the credits.

**Rachel**: And please send a statement to Pink Royale telling her to get rid of Nelena! She's evil!


	8. Harry Potter: Mr & Mrs Smith Style

**Pink Royale**: Ok, everyone, we've got a story about Harry and Bellatrix!

**Malfoy**: Wouldn't that be called a "_Hellatrix_"?

**Pink Royale**: Yes, Evil Faith; it would.

**Harry**: What? You're telling me that there's people out there who write romance stories about me hooking up with Bellatrix Lestrange? Oh, HELL no! I don't even like her, not after what she did to Sirius!

**Neville**: Me neither, Harry! She took my parents away from me. And you're right, Jacquel; the story would be called a _Hellatrix_. You can't say _Hellatrix_ without the word _Hell_, which is what it is!

**Pink Royale**: I don't know about this, Neville. I hear that there are some people who try to set _you_ up with Bellatrix as well.

**Harry**: Now that just ain't right. We can't have any "_Nellatrixes_" on this show.

**Neville**: Yeah. Bellatrix and I would kill each other.

**Harry**: But why ME? Why do they like to set ME up with Bellatrix?

**Pink Royale**: I don't know; because they're bored.

**Malfoy**: I can't have you hooking up with my aunt, Potter, no matter what those fanfiction writers say.

**Harry**: Why? Is it because our own writer unintentionally set your cousin Ernest up with your father when she wrote the _Lifetime Original Movie_?

**Pink Royale**: Maybe it's because those fanfiction writers like the idea of you and Bellatrix hooking up.

**Neville**: That is so retarded!

**Malfoy**: Those writers are a bunch of idiots who like the idea of seeing you and Aunt Bellatrix shagging.

**Harry**: Sirius isn't gonna like that!

**Pink Royale**: Well, he might not like this story then...

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

* * *

**

**Harry Potter: Mr. & Mrs. Smith Style**

(_in order to understand this story, think Mr. & Mrs. Smith, you know, that movie starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie...oh, come on, people! Don't tell me that you didn't like the movie_!)

**Pink Royale**: OK, here's the thing: it's a normal day at the Dursley household. Well...not for long...

(_Harry's house_)

**Petunia**: Harry, get up! It's time for you to do your chores!

**Dudley**: Harry, I need you to come fix my breakfast!

**Vernon**: Boy, make my coffee!

**Harry** (_getting out of bed_): Ok, fine! (_he gets dressed and heads downstairs. just then the doorbell rings_)

**Vernon**: I'll get it! (_he opens the door_) Come in, Jacquel; we were just about to have breakfast...(_but little does he know that the person walking into the house is NOT Jacquel Romanov_)

**Bellatrix**: Hahahahahahahhahahahaha! You foolish muggle, how dare you let a Death Eater walk into your house? ( _Vernon_ _takes one good look at Bellatrix and screams_)

**Vernon**: BOY, GET DOWN HERE AND GET RID OF THIS EXCUSE FOR A FREAK!

**Harry**: I'm on it! (_he takes out his wand and points it at Bellatrix_) Why are you here, Bellatrix?

**Bellatrix**: Plain and simple, baby Potter. I'm here to capture you and bring you to my master. Now if you would just come with me quietly, no one will get hurt...(_Harry zaps her_) You stupid boy, I'll make you regret that move! ( _Dudley__ runs out the house screaming_) Prepare to die!

**Harry**: So be it!

(_the next thing anyone knew, Harry and Bellatrix were fighting as if this was a real battle. Vernon and Petunia try to run into the kictchen, but Bellatrix zaps them and kills them. Harry, getting even angrier, takes the fight from the house to the park, where scores of children got hurt trying to escapse from the wrath of the evil Bellatrix Lestrange. And as the day wore on, the fighting didn't stop. All the neighbors were ordered by Harry to stay inside their houses, lest they'd be killed by Bellatrix. Everyone watched as the fight went from the streets to Harry's backyard_.)

**Harry**: (_breathing hard, trying not to look at what had been Vernon and Petunia Dursley_) Oh God, will this _never_ end?

**Bellatrix**: (_coming up just behind him_) Oh, it's not over, baby Potter. In fact, it's just beginning!

**Harry**: _Don't_ call me baby Potter!

(_they fight once again; this time going from Harry's backyard to his living room, where the fight first began. at last Harry locks Bellatrix in the master bedroom and sits down_.)

**Harry**: Who does that b-tch think she is, coming up into my house, scaring off Dudley, and killing Vernon and Petunia? Well, it's not that I care about them, it's just that they're the only family that I have left. Anyway, I still have a score to settle with Bellatrix; but first, I must clean up this mess...(_he waves his wand and the house is cleaned, save for two corpses that are still lying on the kitchen floor. After taking the remains to the morgue and answering some particularly tough questions, Harry goes back home, only to be confronted with Bellatrix Lestrange_)

**Bellatrix**: I suspose that you thought that that was funny, locking me up in that infernal place, baby Potter? Or has bitty baby Potter suddenly lost his nerve?

**Harry**: I still have my nerves, thank you very much; and for the last time, _don't_ call me "_baby Potter_"!

**Bellatrix**: You're still _baby Potter_, because as a baby, you ruined my life!

**Harry**: Yeah, because you deserved it! And how would you know that I'm not planning to ruin your life, _again_?

**Bellatrix**: By doing this! (_she pounces on Harry and they kiss_)

(_the next next day, after all is said and done_)

**Bellatrix**: Hmmm, not bad, baby Potter.

**Harry**: Oh really? It's not like I haven't done it before...

**Bellatrix**: Hahahahahaha! You think, Potter? You think you can just...(_just then the Order of the Phoenix and Jacquel show up_)

**Moody**: There you are, Harry! We've been wondering what happened to you since we found your cousin blabbering about a crazy woman showing up at his house.

**Harry**: Yeah.

**Kingsley**: We've come to take you to Headquarters...(_looking at Bellatrix_)...and I suspose that she had something to do with this, doesn't she?

**Bellatrix**: You watch it, Shacklebolt.

**Harry**: Calm down, Bellatrix. Let's go. (_he takes Bellatrix's hand and they follow the Order and Jacquel to Headquarters_.)

(_at Voldemort's lair_)

**Voldemort**: WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE RAN OFF WITH HARRY? WHAT'S THIS? MY MOST LOYAL DEATH EATER SHIRKS OFF HER DUTIES JUST SO SHE CAN RUN OFF WITH MY ARCH-NEMESIS?

**Lucius**: Apparently, yes. After all, _you_ blamed her for the Department of Mysteries fiasco. She just snapped and walked away. I knew that it would only be a matter of time before she starts pursuing Harry.

**Voldemort**: Oh hell no! That's NOT about to happen. DEATH EATERS! (_scores of Death Eaters stop whatever they are doing and approach their leader_.) New plan: I want you all to capture BOTH Harry Potter and Bellatrix Lestrange! They will NOT escape with their lives! (_Death Eaters cheer and rush off to do their master's bidding_)

(_later that night_)

**Harry**: So, what shall we do tonight?

**Bellatrix**: Oh, you know...(_she kisses him_)

(_Tonks, Kingsley, and Jacquel are watching the whole thing_)

**Tonks**: I don't believe it! She kills his godfather and Harry's shagging her like it's nobody's business!

**Kingsley**: Hmmm. We didn't see that coming.

**Jacquel**: I guess I speak for everyone when I say, "_Ewwww_!" **

* * *

Here's some advice: if you value your life, never hook up with an evil woman! Or make her angry. Or insult her for that matter.**

1. If the doorbell rings, always check to see who it is before letting the person in. One false assumption can cost you your life.

2. It's best to run and get help in case a Death Eater attacks. Never run and hide.

3. If a Death Eater is attacking, STAY INDOORS! Set one foot outside and you might end up being a casuality.

4. When the Order of the Phoenix comes calling, watch what you say and how you speak around them

5. Perhaps Voldemort needed to be deprived of a loyal Death Eater.

But before the movie ends, we have just one more thing to say: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

* * *

Next time: **The Daddy Liberation Front**

Please review and send me some of your ideas. I might post them with your name as the credits.

**Rachel**: And please send a statement to Pink Royale telling her to get rid of Nelena! She's evil!

**Neville**: And don't forget to name the guy who you think should be Jacquel's father!


	9. Who's Your Daddy: Part Deux

**Pink Royale**: This is it, folks. We now present to you the daddy drama, phase 2!

**Malfoy**: Why did you call that a _daddy drama_?

**Pink Royale**: Because there's three guys out there all claiming to be my father.

**Ron**: And they are...

**Pink Royale**: Peter Pettigrew, Lucius Malfoy, and Remus Lupin.

**Harry**: What? You mean to say that Wormtail, Lupin, and Lucius are all claiming to be your father? That's the dumbest thing that I've ever heard of!

**Malfoy**: There's no way that _my_ father could ever be _your_ father! You are such a pathetic little...(_Hermione slaps him_)

**Hermione**: Oh shut up, _Draco_! For all we know, Lucius Malfoy is a womanizer! He could very well be Jacquel's father.

**Ernest**: No he's not! I love him! He would _never_ do this to me!

**Ron**: God, Ernest, you are so messed up!

**Neville**: Yeah! Nobody likes a messed up kid! And besides, Jacquel is older than you are.

**Hermione**: And Lucius can't really love you in that way! He's your uncle.

**Malfoy**: Will you guys quit ganging up on my cousin?

**All**: NO!

**Ernest**: I _hate_ you, Harry Potter, you hear me? I _hate_ you! (_he runs off, crying_)

**Malfoy**: Way to go, Potter! you hurt my cousin's feelings!

**Pink** **Royale**: So anyway, we're now dealing with who could be my father. Many people have responded, saying that they want Remus to be my father, but we shall see about that...

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

I would like to thank 101spacemonkey for helping me solve this daddy drama. Lupin was her father after all. You rock!**

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**

**Who's Your Daddy: Part Deux**

(_in order to understand this story, go back and read the second chapter in the bad fanfiction story, you know, the fic about Wormtail, Lucius, and Lupin all claiming to be Jacquel's father_)

**Pink Royale**: And now we present to you what happened to them when Jacquel was just 5 years old; she was raised by Dumbledore and McGonagall since Dumbledore wouldn't allow Nichollo to raise Jacquel. And speaking of Jacquel, she's having a somewhat better life, even though her adoptive father is a crazy old man who loves candy and pranks and her adoptive mother is strict. Her life is great. That is, until...

**Amber**: No dad no! You can't take Jacquel away from us!

**Dumbledore**: But Amber, Jacquel needs to be with her father.

**Amber**: But that's not fair! We can't just send her away! She's just a baby! She needs us!

**McGonagall**: Are you sure you really want to do this, Albus? Send little Jacquel to her father?

**Dumbledore**: Yes. After all I did promise them that I hand Jacquelyn over to whomever I think is her father.

**Amber**: But what if the person who we think is the father turns out to be a jerk?

**McGonagall**: The only jerk here is Nichollo Trichenberg.

**Dumbledore**: I have already decided that Jacquelyn is living with her father. And one of these three is her father. (_to little Jacquel_) Guess what, Jacquelyn? You're going to live with your daddy today!

**Jacquel**: You like to play pranks. Not falling for it.

**Amber**: See, dad? You play pranks all the time and now poor Jacquel can't tell the difference between a prank and the truth. (_just then Wormtail, Lucius, and Lupin show up_) Here's where you fail big time.

**Wormtail**: Ok, Dumbledork, time's up. Hand over my baby.

**Lucius**: She's not yours, Wormy; she's mine!

**Lupin**: I WAS THE ONE WHO HOOKED UP WITH IRENE AFTER WARREN DITCHED HER! I AM JACQUELYN'S FATHER!

**Dumbledore**: Are you sure?

**Lupin**: Damn straight! Anyway you had her for the last five years. Hand her over!

**McGonagall**: Severus, could you come here please? (_Snape arrives, being hugged by Amber_) Let go of him, Amber.

**Snape**: What do you want? I already have enough to deal with two small boys who love to prank me...(_his tiny sons Stacey and Gabriel laugh as they pull down their father's pants, exposing his pink boxers_)...stop that, boys; and now I have to intervene here. Now what seems to be the problem?

**Amber**: Pettigrew, Malfoy, and Lupin seem to be fighting over my baby sister, and they clearly don't care about her.

**Snape**: I see. And why are they fightng?

**Wormtail, Lucius, and Lupin**: I'M JACQUELYN'S FATHER!

**Snape**: I see. Wait, I have an idea.

**All**: What?

**Snape**: I'll question them and we'll see who cracks. The one who cracks is Jacquelyn's father. (_to Wormtail_) Now, where were you the night Irene was dumped at the altar?

**Wormtail**: I was there, and then I saw that idiot take off. I chased him down and beat the crap out of him until he fessed up.

**All**: What did he say?

**Wormtail**: He said he heard that Irene was some king's granddaughter. The king is a white man and you know how he feels about white people. So Warren Limpett decided that Irene just wasn't worthy and ditched her right then and there.

**Amber**: Warren dumped Irene just because she was a princess? What a prick!

**McGonagall**: Amber, language!

**Amber**: Mother! I say that guy is a dick! How can he do that to Irene? She was a nice girl!

**Wormtail**: And that's what I know. Jacquelyn's my kid.

**Dumbledore**: No, she's not. Next, we shall hear from Lucius.

**Lucius**: Well, if you must know, I saw Irene in a club. A stupid muggle club. She was surrounded by various muggles, all who were either drunk or dancing.

**All**: Go on.

**Lucius**: And then Irene sneaks off and the next thing I catch her making out with some random guy. And that random guy had ginger-brown hair and scars all down his back...(_sneers at Lupin as he says this_)

**Lupin**: Ok, ok! I admit it! I admit it! I am Jacquelyn's father! (_all gasp_) Yes, it's true, it's true! The clubbing, the craziness, the love-making...

**Snape**: Watch it, Remus! There are children present!

**Lupin**: I have been nothing but a complete idiot to not have said anything when Irene died, and I have lied to the wizarding world at that! I have also hurt my little daughter by abandoning her. (_to Jacquel_) Jacquelyn, I've been a jerk to you...

**McGonagall**: Ahem...

**Dumbledore**: MINERVA!

**Lupin**: ...and I'll do whatever I can to make this up to you.

**Jacquel**: I no let down. I like you.

**Lupin**: See? Jacquelyn knows who her real father is. Now hand her over.

**Snape**: Yes, you pathetic old man. Give the little girl to the werewolf. (_to Stacey and Gabriel, who are now pulling his hair_) Stop pulling my hair, you two! And on my way here, I picked up today's mail...(_looks at a letter_) It says here that a Nichollo Trichenberg has recently passed and he has no heirs. So his ridiculously large fortune shall go to little Miss Lupin.

**Dumbledore**: I can't believe it? Jacquelyn's rich?

**Lupin**: Oh dear. (_picks up Jacquel and hugs her_) I can't believe that I'm the father of a rich heiress.

**Lucius**: _I_ can.**

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Being a father to a rich girl isn't the easiest job in the world...**

1. And since Dumbledore and McGonagall have raised Jacquel instead of Nichollo, Jacquel may have a much bigger role in Harry's story.

2. Well, there was the one part that Lucius failed to mention in his story, you know the part about him crashing Irene's bachelorette party...hehe

3. As for Pettigrew, his girlfriend Jill would absolutely kill him if she found out about him seeing other girls, including Irene. Yes, folks, Jill is mean. In fact, she's the one who punishes Peter for this slight by having most of his friends killed. How sad. And you wonder why Aslan (_or_ _Emma_) was born.

4. Since Joanne established the fact that Lupin married Tonks, wouldn't that make Tonks Jacquel's stepmother?

5. Jacquel is better off having a werewolf as a father; and besides, who would want their father to be a tart or a coward?

And now for the final question in this daddy drama: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

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Next time:** Everybody Loves Harry**

Please review and send me some of your ideas. I might post them with your name as the credits.

**Rachel**: And please send a statement to Pink Royale telling her to get rid of Nelena! She's evil!


	10. I Love Harry Potter

**Pink Royale**: And now, let's all get ready for some Harry conquests!

**Stacey**: Well, why does everyone want Harry?

**Pink Royale**: Ahhh...who knows?

**Julia**: Oooooooooh, I do! Harry is like totally the dude everyone likes!

**Stacey**: Oh be quiet, Jules. You know you like him!

**Julia**: No! I DON't like him in THAT way! And if anyone writes fanfic pairing me (or Stacey) up with Harry, I will find them and beat the crap outta them!

**Stacey**: Ouch, Julia! You're so mean!

**Pink Royale**: Ok, folks! It's showtime!**

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**This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

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**

**Harry's Many Kisses**

**Pink Royale**: And now we present to you a series of situations that have Harry pairing up with certain characters in the series...

**Julia**: Slash fics rule!

**Stacey**: Yeah right, you stupid fangirl!

**Pink Royale**: What the hell are you two fighting about?

**Julia**: Stacey says that I'm a fangirl!

**Stacey**: You _are_ a fangirl, Jules!

**Pink Royale**: Will you two ding-dongs cut it out? We's gotta be doin the show! (_Magnus shows up_)

**Magnus**: Wuss up, dudes!

**Pink Royale**: Well, these two can't seem to get a clue that we suspossed to be doing the show!

**Magnus**: Yeah, it's like my peeps is trying to get me to drop the short stuff.

**Pink Royale**: Hmmm. Nelena like totally is a jerk. So, you've got some stories for us to read?

**Magnus**: Yeah. (_he pulls out a book_) Jules, Stace, stop being player-haters and get over here! We've got to give 'em the lowdown on Harry!

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(_when everyone is in the Great Hall_)

**Harry**: Hey guys, wassup?

**Jacquel**: Oh, nothin' much.

**Ron**: Well, if you'd like to know, I overheard Dean and Seamus talking. They said that Neville has a crush on you.

**Harry**: What?

**Hermione**: Oh, don't listen to that, Harry.

**Jacquel**: They're probably using Neville to cover up their own feelings.

**Ron**: Typical.

**Neville**: Uh, hi Harry. (_he looks at Harry nervously_) Uh, can we talk?

**Harry**: Ok.

**Neville**: Not here?

**Harry**: (_being nervous_) Ok. (_he leaves the Great Hall and his friends and goes into a corridor. Neville follows him_.) What is this about?

**Neville**: Uh, dunno. They're talking about how they think I like you.

**Harry**: I see. They're just jealous.

**Neville**: Hmm...yeah. (_just then he throws his arms around Harry and kisses him_)

**Dean**: (_to Seamus_) Oh my God! Neville's kissing Harry!

**Seamus**: I knew Neville liked Harry. Hand over the money! (_Ginny comes up behind them. she is pissed_)

**Ginny**: Fork it over, you two! You stole Harry from me!

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(_after Harry's nightmare in OOTP_)

**Snape**: I can't believe that you just had to have those stupid visions, Potter! And not only that, that kooky old man just had to order me to teach you occlumency. Come on, you stupid boy! (_he drags Harry to the dungoens_)

**Harry**: So, what exactely are we really doing?

**Snape**: (_slyly_) Well, that old fool doesn't know it, but we're going to do what we do everyday after class...(_he kisses Harry. Aslan and Adrian see the whole thing_)

**Aslan**: B-TCH!

**Adrian**: Ok, now that's messed up!

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(_confronting Colin_)

**Harry**: Look, Colin, I'm tired of you going around taking pictures of me every 5 seconds! What? Do you have a crush on me or something like that?

**Colin**: Yes! (_he drops the camera and kisses Harry_)

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(_when he sees Hermione after the 1st task_)

**Harry**: I think I may need someone to talk to.

**Hermione**: Or you may need a hug.

**Harry**: I might want more than that. (_they kiss_)

**Romilda**: Hey, I liked him first!

**Jacobine**: Don't make me use my powers on you!

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(_after class, when Gilderoy Lockhart kissed Jacquel Romanov and she slapped him and made him cry on the TV show_)

**Harry**: Professor Lockhart...

**Lockhart**: Oh, Harry; call me Gilderoy...

**Harry**: Whatever. Would you please leave Jacquel alone? She doesn't like you!

**Lockhart**: I see. I can't believe that she would slap a teacher.

**Harry**: Because you kissed a student. Now, for the last time, leave her alone!

(_the next day_)

**Jacquel**: I hope that prick learned his lesson about messing with me.

**Juila**: Well, _I_ don't.

**Lockhart**: Hello, Russell. I hope you can forgive me for what happened yesterday...

**Jacquel**: No way, you stupid b-tch! You're nothing but an idiot! You can't just go aroung kissing me and thinking that you can get away with it!

**Lockhart**: Well, I never! And I can kiss you whenever I want, so you better do what I say or else!

**Jacquel**: You would DARE!

**Lockhart**: I would. (_he snatches Harry and kisses him. everyone gasps in horror_)

**Jacquel**: Get your filthy hands off Harry, you damned dirty dick! (_Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle laugh_)

**Harry**: Thanks, Jacquel. Your right; Gilderoy Lockhart is a pathetic excuse for a wizard. (_everyone laughs_)

**Lockhart**: I heard that, Mr. Potter. I will be taking 10 points from Gryffindor. (_Gryffindors groan; Slytherins laugh_) Detention tonight, Miss Romanov; you will show me the same respect that you seem to give your other teachers. You will be spending your detention with me, young lady.

**Jacquel**: NOOOOOOOOOO!

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(_at Order headquarters_)

**Tonks**: I thought I told you to call me Tonks. It's TONKS, you sons of a b-tch! TONKS!

**Harry**: Tonks, what is going on here?

**Tonks**: Willamaerha's stupid brothers are making fun of me again! I so wanna rip them to shreds!

**Harry**: Why don't you talk to Will? I'm sure she's agree with you.

**Will**: I already have. (_she goes to her brothers and zaps them_)

**Tonks**: Well, since Will's gonna be busy for quite some time...(_she pounces on Harry and they kiss_)

**Ginny**: Hey, Tonks! Get your hands off Harry!

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(_with the twins_)

**Fred**: Hey Harry, I heard that you like to sneak around.

**Harry**: And _you_ like to play pranks.

**Fred**: Awww, how cute! (_he kisses Harry. George sees them and gets annoyed_)

**George**: Hey! I want to kiss Harry too!

**Fred**: Ok, let's both kiss him! (_they_ _both kiss Harry_.)

**Julia**: Hahahahahahahahahahahah! This is my entertainment for the day!

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(_meeting up with Ron; right after the Fred/George incident_)

**Ron**: Uh, Harry, why do you keep hurting Ginny's feelings?

**Harry**: I don't! It's just that everyone wants me!

**Ron**: Everyone?

**Harry**: Yeah.

**Ron**: I see. (_he snatches Harry and kisses him_)

**Harry**: Hey! What'd you do that for?

**Ron**: I can't let my brothers have all the fun, now can I?

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(_another encounter with Malfoy_)

**Malfoy**: Hey Potter, watch where you're going!

**Harry**: Well excuse me for being so damn clumsy!

**Malfoy**: Oh yeah? I'll show you clumsy! (_knocks Harry down and kisses him_)

**Ginny**: I'm getting sick of of this sh-t!

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(_speaking to Jacquel_)

**Jacquel**: Are you jealous of me?

**Harry**: Why would I be?

**Jacquel**: Because I see you get mad every time I speak to Magnus or Fred.

**Harry**: No I don't!

**Jacquel**: Prove it. (_Harry kisses her_)

**Ginny**: Look punk, either roll with me or I'll kick your ass!

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(_a Harry/Ginny moment. FINALLY_!)

**Ginny**: You saved my life.

**Harry**: I saved you before.

**Ginny**: But this time you risked your life for me because you like me. I think that warrants a kiss.

**Harry**: Indeed. (_they kiss_)

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(_a Sirius moment_)

**Harry**: Hey Sirius, can we talk?

**Sirius**: Yeah. What is it?

**Harry**: It's not that I don't want a caring adult in my my life, it's just that...well...

**Sirius**: I see. (_he reaches up and kisses Harry_)

**Julia**: Oooooooooooooooooooooh! SQUEE!

**Jacobine**: Julia, if you "_squee_" one more time, I'm gonna make you wear PINK!

**Julia**: You would DARE!

**Jacobine**: I would.

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(_a furry incident. Takes place after Harry gets detention for making fun of Lupin's_ "_condition_")

**Lupin**: Come in, Harry. (_Harry walks into the classroom_) Now, explain to me why you decided to make fun of me during class?

**Harry**: Because of this. (_he hands over a piece of paper_) Nelena told me to read this in class today. It's about why Jacquel should just...well, you know..."_go away and die_"...

**Lupin**: I see. Now I must report this to Professor Dumbledore and we'll have to do something about Miss Nelena here. Meanwhile, you will write 25 times "_I must not make fun of Professor Lupin's time of the month_." (_he leaves. Harry begins writing his lines. After a few hours, Lupin returns. He is very angry_) I can't believe the nerve of that stupid old man! He didn't believe a word I said, he didn't read the damn letter, and he didn't even punish Nelena! I'm getting the school governors involved in this! (_finally notices Harry_) Oh, hello, Harry. I didn't see you here.

**Harry:** I can help you, sir. I know some people who won't tolerate this behavior; Hagrid, McGonagall, Snape...

**Lupin**: Thanks, Harry. I'm sure they can help Jacquel.

**Harry**: I don't want this to be about her. I want this to be about us.

**Lupin**: You mean...

**Harry**: Yes, I mean. (_he kisses Lupin_)

**Nelena**: (_being kicked out of the school_) You can't do this to me! JACQUEL ROMANOV IS EVIL! SHE NEEDS TO DIE!

**Hagrid**: You're the one who's evil!

**McGonagall**: We will NOT tolerate this kind of behavior from anyone, especially you!

**Snape**: Say hello to Sirius Black for me when you get to Azkaban...no, wait; Black's excaped. Hahaha...

**Jacquel**: Bye Nellie! Have fun insulting the Dementors!

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(_the final reconing_...)

**Blaise**: Watch this, Drake...I'm gonna make out with Harry tonight.

**Malfoy**: Ooooooooooh, this I gotta see! (_Harry shows up_)

**Blaise**: You and I are so gonna make out tonight!

**Harry**: Oh...ok. (_he walks off. Ron, Hermione, and Jacquel glare at the other two boys_)

**Malfoy**: Didn't think you could pull it off that quick, Blaise.

**Blaise**: I know just how to get to him...hahahahahahahahaha!

(_later that night_)

**Harry**: I can't believe I fell for Blaise's charm! What was I thinking?

**Blaise**: That you need someone who actually loves you. (_he kisses Harry_)

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**Julia**: Ok, now what the hell was that?

**Stacey**: What are you talking about?

**Julia**: The last part! That's not how it's done!

**Pink Royale**: Yes, it is! Those damn Slytherins!

**Magnus**: And now that you've gotten a glimpse of who loves Harry, please tune in next time for more bad fanfiction stories!**

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Just so you know, the following relationships in the story are:**

1. Neville/Harry: don't you think they actually belong together, given what they've been through?

2. Snape/Harry: although this has been done 1,000 times, but who can resist?

3. Colin/Harry: wait...what's this? a stalker gets his target? ewwwww!

4. Hermione/Harry: well, this should have happened. DAMN YOU JOANNE!!

5. Lockhart/Harry: stupid idiot uses Harry to get to Jacquel...how pathetic. I mean, should they hook up or should Jacquel kill him?

6. Tonks/Harry: hmmmm...should have happened...NOT! (_oh shut up, Julia_!)

7. Fred/George/Harry: oooooooh, naughty action! (_Julia, I swear to God if I hear any more of your sh-t, I'm-a slap you_!)

8. Ron/Harry: already been done, but honestly, who doesn't want to see Harry and Ron together?

9. Malfoy/Harry: done 1,000 times, but we still love them! Ginny needs to get a grip!

10. Jacquel/Harry: also should have happened...ooops! she'd still end up with Fred!

11. Ginny/Harry: the way Joanne wrote the book. some of us, however, are still unconvinced.

12. Sirius/Harry: ok, honestly, folks, how many of you really wanted to see them hook up?

13. Lupin/Harry: well, what can I say? should they hook up?

14. Blaise/Harry: believe it or not, there's a number of fics pairing them!

Now that we've seen some overtly bizarre Harry pairings, I've got one more question to ask: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??**

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**Next time: **Let's all go to the movies!**

Please review and send me some of your ideas. I might post them with your name as the credits.

Rachel: And please send a statement to _Pink Royale_ telling her to get rid of Nelena! She's evil! What are you waiting for? Jacquel to be murdered? Seriously folks, REVIEW OR ELSE I'LL SET THE DEATH EATERS ON YOU!!


	11. Failed HP Catch Phrases

**Pink Royale**: And now, let's all go to the movies! Everyone loves movies, especially with today's technology, which has now created unforgettable scenes, memorable characters, and unbelievable special effects. But I can only give you the things they say in the movies, and to make things a little more interesting, I'll have everyone from _Harry Potter_ say the quotes.

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This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

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**Failed HP Catch Phrases**

**Pink Royale**: And now we present to you a series of catch phrases that have failed to make it into the HP movies. Enjoy!

"_He's not the dark lord...he's just a very naughty boy_!" Solomon's reaction to Sean's story about Voldemort.

"_Kirk, I am your father_!" Kirkwood's nightmare that Voldemort was his father (_Thank God he's nowhere near related to the Dark Lord_!)

"_Bye kids! Have fun storming the castle_!" Mr. and Mrs. Weasley bade the kids goodbye as they go off to rescue Harry in "The Children of the Red King"

"_My name is Jacquel Romanov. You killed my family. Prepare to die_!" Jacquel faces a Death Eater.

**Jacquel**: _Surely you can't be serious_.  
**Sirius**: _I am Sirius_..._and_ don't _call me Shirley_.

**Harry to Jacquel**: _I love you. You...you complete me_.  
**Jacquel**: _You had me at_ "hello."

_Hey, you guys can't fight in here; this is the War Room!_

"_He can take away our lives, but he can't take away our magic_!"

Jacquel slaps Gilderoy Lockhart across his face: "_Snap out of it_!"

Pettigrew/Wormtail holding a basket containing baby Aslan: "_My Precious_!"

**Jacquel to Harry**: "_May the Force be with you_."

"_I am Sam. Sam-I-Am. Would you like some lemon drops and ham_?"

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny are stranded at Hogwarts: "_As God is our witness, we'll never go looking for another home again_!"

_I've got a bad feeling about this_...

Harry about to face Voldemort: "_I feel sorry for the snake-faced bastard that I'm about to go up against...by the Gods I do_!"

From the Oxygen Movie: "_Oh, and by the way, Peter Pettigrew called. He'd like to have his kid back_."

Snape's final word before Voldemort kills him: "_Freedom_!"

Snape to Lucius: "_I'm gonna make him an offer that he can't refuse_!"

Harry to Frodo: "_Oh c'mon now; you're telling me that this one little ring is causing you all this trouble? You're lucky you have to destroy one horucrux; try dealing with 7_!"

Jonathan to Adrian: "_Yo, Adrian_!"

Stacey to a tough guy at a club: "_They call me Mister Snape_!"

Aslan waving her wand at a Death Eater: "_Say hello to my little friend_!"

Voldemort just on the brink of victory-before Harry kills him: "_I'm king of the world_!"

_Death Eaters...why does it have to be Death Eaters?_

**Jack Sparrow**: "_And let this be remembered as the day that you almost zapped Captain Jack Sparrow_!"

Coco Riddle to Tyler Potter and Marty McGuire: "Now_, if either of you don't mind, I'm going to bed before either of you come up with another plan to get us all killed, or worse, expelled_." Marty to Tyler: "_She needs to sort out her priorities_." (_OK, now this was in one of the movies, but I just had to put that in there...sorry_!)

Harry after Sirius's death: "_I'm as mad as hell and I'm not gonna take this anymore_!"

Jacquel to Harry after the war ends: "_You did it, kid! You're one in a million_!"

Tonks to Harry: "_Why don't you come up and see me sometime_?"

Jacquel before the final battle: "_We're gonna go out there with all we got and win just one for the Gipper_."

Voldemort finding out that Snape and Amber hooked up: "_D'oh_!"

Harry to Vernon: "_Well, life's a banquet, and most fat suckers like you are starving to death_!"

_I'm getting tired of the motherf---ing snakes up in the motherf---ing school! _(_attributed to Neville_)

Fred to Jacquel: "_Here's looking at you, kid_."

_Hogwarts, we have a problem..._

Voldemort to Bellatrix: "_Mrs. Lestrange, you're trying to seduce me, aren't you_?"

_Ok, another muggle has been murdered. Round up the usual suspects._

_I want answers to this Voldemort problem. You want answers? I want the truth. You can't handle the truth!_

_One morning I shot a Death Eater in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know._

_Mother of Merlin, is this the end of Hogwarts?_

_Greed is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed will save the Ministry_! (_attributed to Fudge_)

_HERE'S VOLDIE_!

_Oh no, it wasn't the Order of the Phoenix. It was Harry that killed the Dark Lord_.

Fred to Jacquel-again: "_Nobody puts Jacquel in a corner_."

Stacey to Harry: "_I don't know nothin' about destroyin' no horucruxes_!"

_It's the end of the Wizrding World as we know it...and I don't like it_!

Harry to Snape: _What we have here is a failure to communicate_.

Harry to Voldemort: _You talking to me? You talking to me? Well, I'm the only one here; so you must be talking to me. Go ahead, make my day_!"

Dumbledore to Harry: _Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer_.

**Catherine**: _Who was that strange girl who just saved our lives? Why, that was the_ Lone Granger!

_Is that a scar on your head, or are you just happy to see me_?

Harry to Ron when they first meet: _Ron, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship_.

_I want a Firewhisky. Shaken, not stirred_.

_Oh my God! She killed Sirius! That bastard_!

_I see dead wizards_!

Dumbledore to the kids: _Carpe diem. Sieze the day, children. Make your lives extraordinary_.

**Lupin**: _Actually, Jacquel is my daughter_.**

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**And now I present a challenge for you:

We've got the quotes, now name the movies that they came from. If you review, you can get part of the next story that I'm about to publish. Have fun!

Oh, and I have one more movie quote for you: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??**

* * *

**Next time:** Stupid, Annoying Death Eaters**

Please review and send me some of your ideas. I might post them with your name as the credits.

Be on the lookout for more movie quotes; I just might post some more.

**Rachel**: And please send a statement to _Pink Royale_ telling her to get rid of Nelena! She's evil! What are you waiting for? Jacquel to be murdered? Seriously folks, REVIEW OR ELSE I'LL SET THE DEATH EATERS ON YOU!!

**Nelena**: You better not!

**Serena**: Shut up, Nellie! Your day will come. We'll see about that...


	12. Death Eaters aren't really that badNO

**Pink Royale**: This story is now nearing 2,000 hits. YAY! But we won't stop there. I say in order to celebrate this milestone, we read more bad fanfiction stories! Have fun!

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

* * *

**

**Death Eaters aren't really that bad...NOT!**

**Pink Royale**: And now we present to you a series of stupid stories about the Dark Lord's very stupid helpers. Enjoy!

(_Voldemort and the kids raid the movie theater_)

**Voldemort**: Ok, kids, I've got us some movies that we can watch today. Why don't we see _Fred Claus_, then _Enchanted_, and then finish off with _Bee Movie_?

**Tyler**: _Bee Movie_? That's for babies!

**Voldie**: Ok then. Why don't we watch that store movie then?

**Lucius** (_to Snape_): Is it just me, or has our boss gone a bit insane?

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(_the gang into the van_)

**Voldie**: Let's get ready to go, minions! Yes, Severus, you have to go; yes, Lucius, your hair is fine, yes Wormtail, you have to sit next to Barty...

**Wormtail**: (_to Avery_) Is it just me or does Barty have a crush on me?

**Avery**: Why no! Seriously, Wormy, who'd have a crush on you?

**Rastaban**: Some crazy chick who eventually dumps him and their baby.

**Wormtail**: I wasn't talking to you, Rastaban!

**Rastaban**: I think Barty likes you. Don't you, Barty?

**Barty**: Well, he's kind of cute in bed...yes, I like you, Wormtail.

**Wormtail**: Bugger!

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(_dealing with snakes on a plane_)

**Bellatrix**: Master, I'm not feeling well. Can you escort me to the restroom?

**Voldie**: Why yes, Bella. (_to Lucius_) Keep an eye on them; it'll take a moment...(_he and Bella had towards the back of the plane_)

**Wormtail**: I hate my life; my boss is a jerk, Lucius is too pretty, Bella is a slut, and Barty is gay for me...what the hell is this? (_something has slithered by his ankles---and it's not Nagini_!) OH MY GOD! IT'S A SNAKE! (_screams like a girl_)

**Rudolphus**: (_hearing Wormtail's scream_) What was that? (_sees a snake_) MOTHER OF MERLIN! THERE'S A SNAKE ON THE PLANE! (_then all hell breaks loose as hundreds of snakes invade the plane, scaring all the passengers and flight crew on board_)

**Rastaban**: I HATE SNAKES!

**Alecto**: SNAKES ARE THE SPAWN OF SATAN!

**Lucius**: I'M TOO PRETTY TO BE BITTEN BY A SNAKE! (_just then, Voldie and Bella show up. We all know what they were doing in the bathroom_)

**Voldie**: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE??

**Snape**: Some snakes got on the plane, sir! (_screams his head off as a snake circles his neck_)

**Bella**: (_to a snake_) Get away, just get away! Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo! I don't like you! (_screams as the snake surrounds her body. A Samuel L. Jackson lookalike shows up_!)

**Lookalike**: I'M GETTING TIRED OF THESE MOTHERF---ING SNAKES UP ON THIS MOTHERF---ING PLANE!

**Lucius**: What are you gonna do about it? (_the lookalike turns down the temperature; it's freezing on the plane_) Now what?

**Lookalike**: Well, let's see who caused this trouble...(_Galbatorix laughs as the door opens, then screams when a group of angry passengers glare at him_)

**Galbatorix**: It was just a bit of fun, wasn't it, Durza?

**Durza**: Oh yes it was, milord. It was so much fun conjuring up those snakes and watching everyone freak out...

**Galbatorix**: And now that I have your attention, I'm looking for a young man named Murtagh...(_Wormtail pulls out his wand_)

**Wormtail**: (_waving his wand_) AVADA KEDAVRA! (_Galbatorix falls down dead_) And as for you, you little punk...

**Durza**: Uh, you cannot kill me. I'm a shade.

**All**: Oh, ok. Now get rid of these snakes.

**Durza**: Sure. (_nods his head--snakes disappears_)

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(_Snape discovers some naughty fanfiction stories centering on himself and Harry_)

**Snape**: (_reading the fanfic_) "_Then Harry said, 'Oh God, this feels so good!' Snape could only---_" (_he gets angry_) OK, NOW WHO WROTE THIS SH-T??

**Wormtail**: (_laughing_) That oughta teaching him to hate Harry for what James did to him!

**Amycus**: Yeah! Now who'd came up with the idea to set Sev up with Potter? I likes it!

**Alecto**: Oooooh, I love the idea!

**Avery**: Hey, why don't we try to do that in real life?

**Wormtail**: Yeah! Great idea! Let's see what master thinks.

**Voldie**: Well, I like that idea! Seeing as those two practically spend so much time together...Oh Severus!

**Snape**: What now, you stupid b-tch?! Or are you all a bunch of stupid fanboys?!

**Voldie**: Severus, I order you to date Harry Potter and make out with him contantly for the pleasure of the Fanboys Club.

**Snape**: You want me to make out with that little prat for your own damn pleasure? (_the fanboys nod_) YOU MUST BE KIDDING! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING??

**Voldie**: That it would be so cool if you were to actually date him, and no I'm not kidding. NOW DO MY BIDDING!! (_Snape leaves_)

**Snape**: He is so gonna regret this!

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(_an unintimate moment between Lucius and Narcissa_)

**Narcissa**: Lucius, you hardly ever speak to me anymore. Why?

**Lucius**: My boss is being a kid-lover; Fudge is a jerk...

**Narcissa**: Maybe a kiss would make things better.

**Lucius**: Maybe. (_they kiss. Ernest sees them and starts crying_)

**Ernest**: Oh Uncle Lucius, how could you hurt me so??

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(_Voldie makes some more new friends_)

**Voldie**: Ok! Who wants to be my new friend?

**Moira**: Well, nobody exactely likes me; I'm too safe...

**Voldie**: You're hired. Anyone else?

**Ivy**: Everyone makes fun of me because I'm a guy who just happens to have a girl's name...

**Voldie**: You're in. Anyone else?

**Bartok**: Nobody in my family likes me!

**Moira**: Oh my God! You're Bartok from _the Rasputins Show_!

**Bartok**: Not anymore. They fired me because they think I am retarded.

**Voldie**: Well, well, well, what have we here? An actor?

**Bartok**: Well, yeah?

**Voldie**: I like child actors! You're on my show now!

**Snape**: (_to Lucius_) God, I hate that child-loving b-tch!

**Lucius**: Same here. He's gonna get himself in so much trouble one day and we won't help him...

**Voldie**: You two WILL help me or else it's _avada kedavra_!

**Snape and Lucius**: Yes, sir.

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(_Bella questions Ernest about Lucius_)

**Bella**: Now, Ernest, Lucius tells me that you've been seeing him. Why?

**Ernest**: I'm in love with him, Mother. I want to be with him all the time.

**Bella**: I see. My little baby boy's in love. LUCIUS?? (_Lucius shows up_) WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS SH-T??

**Lucius**: Oh, Bella-dear, I didn't think...

**Bella**: DIDN'T THINK, DID YOU? RIGHT NOW MY LITTLE ERNEST IS LUSTING AFTER YOU!!

**Lucius**: My goodness! I had no idea that Ernest like me THAT much!

**Bella**: What the hell did you expect? All his artwork centers on you! His diary entries are about him kissing you! And I'm not about to tell you that he dreams about you screwing him every single night!

**Voldie**: What's going on here?

**Bella**: My precious little boy...I mean OUR precious little boy is in love with Lucius Malfoy!

**Voldie**: Hmmmm...that's beautiful.

**Bella**: NO IT'S NOT! THIS IS OUR LITTLE BOY, NOT SOME PLAYBOY MODEL THAT WE'RE DEALING WITH HERE! WHAT KIND OF FATHER ARE YOU??

**Lucius**: C'mere, Ernest, let's go for a walk; it's going to be a while...

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(_Wormtail confronts Barty_)

**Wormtail**: Ok Barty, what the hell is up with you?

**Barty**: What?

**Wormtail**: I have to sit next to you, We sleep in the same bedroom, I think your gay for me...

**Barty**: I am.

**Wormtail**: Now let's get something straight here, Mister Bartimaeus Crouch: I'm straight, I like girls, and there's no way that we're ever gonna hook up! You got that, punk!

**Barty**: (_taken back_) I didn't realize that you were like that, Peter. You're so mean! (_runs out the room crying_)

**Wormtail**: That's right, you little bastard; run away from me! I won't let you touch me! (_someone calls_ _him_)

**Voldie**: WORMTAIL??

**Wormtail**: Yes, master?

**Voldie**: (_waving his wand_) CRUCIO! (_Wormtail falls onto the ground, screaming his head off_) How dare you defy me!

**Wormtail**: But I'm a straight guy! I like girls! I'm not hooking up with Barty. NEVER!

**Voldie**: Let me remind you that you've had a bad experience with girls; that the only girl you ever loved broke your heart and abandoned your baby daughter. Why don't you wanna hook up with Barty? He's a nice guy, and he'll never break your heart like that slattern Jill did.

**Wormtail**: Oh...ok. I guess I'll talk to Barty then. (_he goes off to find Barty_)

**Voldie**: (_laughing to himself_) Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! I love guilting that guy into doing whatever I say!

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(_Snape talks to Harry_)

**Snape**: Come in, Potter. We need to talk.

**Harry**: Why?

**Snape**: You've really been causing a lot of trouble in class lately. Do you have any problems at home?

**Harry**: No...

**Snape**: I can tell you're lying...

**Harry**: No, I'm NOT!

**Snape**: There's no need for you to yell at me, Potter.

**Harry**: Stay away from me! Don't talk to me! You don't like me, nor do you like my father! Just...I hate you! (_he starts crying. Snape reaches out to comfort him_) GET AWAY FROM ME!! (_he cries even harder_)

**Snape**: Harry...(_Harry tries to fight him off, but fails. Snape holds him_) It's going to be ok, Harry...(_they kiss. the Fanboys Club is watching_)

**Avery**: All right Severus!

**Amycus**: About time he cracked!

**Wormtail**: I always knew he had a thing for Harry, just like he had a thing for James!

**Alecto**: And that's the next chapter in my story! (_all laugh_)

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(_Voldie and his young Death Eaters raid yet another movie theater_.)

**Voldie**: How would you like it if we saw this "_Golden Compass_"?

**Kids**: Yeah! We'd all see it!

**Snape**: What is this world coming to??**

* * *

Seriously folks, can you even trust these guys?:**

1. Whoever writes a Wormtail/Barty Jnr story will get a spanking.

2. Wasn't it fun putting them on a plane that's surrounded by hundreds of snakes?

3. Aren't you getting sick and tired of Voldie trying to recruit innocent children for his evil campaigns?

4. And don't you hate those Ernest/Lucius pairings?  
**Ernest**: You better read them and like them or else I'll zap you with a spank jinx!

5. Stories hooking Harry and Snape together must be read on a daily basis. No, seriously, folks! Read them; I don't care if they're not slash! READ THEM!!

There's plenty more stories about Death Eaters on the way, but before we cut you loose, we have one more thing to say: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

* * *

Next time: Out of the Closet

Please review and send me some of your ideas. I might post them with your name as the credits.

**Rachel**: And please tell _Pink Royale_ telling her to get rid of Nelena! She's evil! What are you waiting for? Jacquel to be murdered? Seriously folks, REVIEW OR ELSE I'LL SET THE DEATH EATERS ON YOU!!

**Nelena**: You better not!

**Serena**: Shut up, Nellie! Your gonna die!


	13. The 12 Pains of Harry Potter

**Pink Royale**: We have now hit another milestone with OVER 2000 hits, and I say in order to celebrate this milestone, we read more bad fanfiction stories! Have fun!

Also, the holidays are approaching, so I figured that I'd write some bad holiday fanfiction stories. But don't worry, I haven't abandoned the next chapter. Dumbledore will be getting what he deserved!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

* * *

**

The 12 Pains of Harry Potter

**Pink Royale**: And now we present to you the most terrible Christmas song ever...the 12 pains of Harry Potter! In order to get this song, try listening to the 12 Pains of Christmas, which was written by the wonderful and talented Wierd Al Yankovic. Enjoy!

_the 1st thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
_**Everyone**: finding a Christmas tree!

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_the 2nd thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
_**Rastaban**: bringing out the lights  
**Everyone**: and bringing home the Christmas tree!

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_the 3rd thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
_**Wormtail**: hangovers  
**Rastaban**: setting up the lights  
**Kids**: and setting up the Christmas tree!

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_the 4th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
_**Snape**: writing Christmas cards  
**Wormtail**: hangovers  
**Rastaban**: setting up the lights  
**Kids**: and decorating the Christmas tree!

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_the 5th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
_**Avery**, **Alecto**, **Amycus**, & **Nott**: wrapping up gifts!  
**Snape**: writing Christmas cards  
**Wormtail**: ouchies  
**Rastaban**: setting up the lights  
**Kids**: and decorating the Christmas tree!

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_the 6th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
_**Bellatrix**: facing my sister  
**Avery**, **Alecto**, **Amycus**, & **Nott**: wrapping up gifts!  
**Snape**: I hate Christmas cards  
**Wormtail**: I have a migraine  
**Rastaban**: where are the extention cords  
**Kids**: and decorating the Christmas tree!

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_the 7th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
_**Rudolphus**: annoying charities  
**Bellatrix**: facing my sister  
**Avery**, **Alecto**, **Amycus**, & **Nott**: wrapping up gifts!  
**Snape**: I don't know these people  
**Wormtail**: that's my eggnog  
**Rastaban**: put away that oversized pumpkin  
**Kids**: and decorating the Christmas tree!

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_the 8th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
_**Ernest**: I want _Transformers_ on DVD  
**Rudolphus**: charities, and I hate your sister  
**Avery**, **Alecto**, **Amycus**, & **Nott**: wrapping up gifts!  
**Snape**: writing Christmas cards  
**Wormtail**: where's the Tylenol  
**Rastaban**: that's a traffic light, you idiot  
**Kids**: and decorating the Christmas tree!

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_the 9th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me_:  
**Lucius**: what, no parking spaces  
**Ernest**: I want some art supplies  
**Rudolphus**: ugggh, blasted charities  
**Bellatrix**: I hate her husband  
**Avery**, **Alecto**, **Amycus**, & **Nott**: wrapping up gifts!  
**Snape**: why am I even sending a card to them  
**Wormtail**: you're a jerk  
**Rastaban**: I found a giant snowglobe  
**Kids**: and decorating the Christmas tree!

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_the 10th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me_:  
**Narcissa**: very long lines  
**Lucius**: nowhere to park  
**Ernest**: can somebody please buy me something  
**Rudolphus**: get a job you homeless bum  
**Bellatrix**: her daughter has a wierd name  
**Avery**, **Alecto**, **Amycus**, & **Nott**: wrapping up gifts!  
**Snape**: I don't even know these people  
**Wormtail**: my stomach hurts  
**Rastaban**: I stole a nativity scene from the church across the street  
**Kids**: and decorating the Christmas tree!

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_the 11th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me_:  
**Crabbe **&** Goyle Senior**: boring TV specials  
**Narcissa**: too many shoppers  
**Lucius**: I can't drive around forever  
**Ernest**: I wanna watch that _Golden Compass_ movie  
**Rudolphus**: damn donations  
**Bellatrix**: she's a b-tch, I hate her  
**Avery**, **Alecto**, **Amycus**, & **Nott**: wrapping up gifts!  
**Snape**: I can't stand these Christmas cards  
**Wormtail**: get your hands off me  
**Rastaban**: get a flashlight, I can't find the switch  
**Kids**: and decorating the Christmas tree!

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_the 12th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
_**Voldemort**: Singing Christmas carols  
**Crabbe **& **Goyle Senior**: lame holiday movies  
**Narcissa**: too many shoppers  
**Lucius**: GET YOUR GAS-GUZZLING TERRORIST SUPPORTING EXCUSE FOR A VEHICLE OUTTA MY SPACE!  
**Ernest**: (_crying_)  
**Rudolphus**: I hate charities  
**Bellatrix**: I can't believe that we're staying with them for dinner  
**Avery, Alecto, Amycus, **& **Nott**: putting the gifts underneath the tree!  
**Snape**: screw the cards, I'm emailing everyone instead  
**Wormtail**: you wanna take this upstairs, Barty  
**Barty**: yeah!  
**Rastaban**: get out here, everyone, I'm about to throw the switch  
**Kids**: and lighting up the Christmas tree!**

* * *

****Pink Royale**: the things we must do to get ready for the holidays! Stand by for the ultimate bad fanfiction holiday story, _I'm Dreaming of a Slash Christmas_! But before we can go on: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

* * *

Next time: Out of the Closet

Please review and send me some of your ideas. I might post them with your name as the credits.

**Rachel**: And please tell _Pink Royale_ telling her to get rid of Nelena! She's evil! What are you waiting for? Jacquel to be murdered? Seriously folks, REVIEW OR ELSE I'LL SET THE DEATH EATERS ON YOU!!

**Nelena**: You better not!

**Serena**: Shut up, Nellie! Your gonna die!


	14. I'm Dreaming of a Slash Christmas

**Pink Royale**: We have now hit another milestone with OVER 2000 hits, and I say in order to celebrate this milestone, we read more bad fanfiction stories! Have fun!

Also, the holidays are approaching, so I figured that I'd write some bad holiday fanfiction stories. But don't worry, I haven't abandoned the next chapter. Dumbledore will be getting what he deserved!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

* * *

****Pink Royale**: And now we present to you the ultimate bad fanfiction holiday story, _I'm Dreaming of a Slash Christmas_! In it, we see our dear Harry experiencing a love story that has been 2 years in the making...(_the song_ "**I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas**" _plays in the background---IT'S THE OLD VERSION_!!) Magnus, you idiot! (_everyone stares at her_) I mean, Maggie, that song is too old school and way outta our generation.

**Magnus**: Well, sorry, but Nelena likes that version...

**Pink Royale**: Oh, whatever! I'm just gonna show everyone here what a holiday song should sound like. (_she grabs her guitar and runs up to a microphone, where a band is standing behind her on stage_.) HIT IT!! (_singing_) _I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, I'm dreaming of a white Christmas_...(_Ron shows up_.)

**Ron**: Hey, Jacquel, we gotta start the show!

**Pink Royale**: Ok, everyone! Here's the moment that you've all been waiting for! (_audience cheers_)

_I'm Dreaming of a Slash Christmas  
a 3 part play written by Jacquel C. on 12/23/2005  
rated for mature viewers only_

setting: _well, it's all at Jacquel's mansion in...ah, who cares! WE WANT THE SHOW!  
_

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**Part I**

(_we see Harry lying in bed just a few days before Christmas. He had showed up at Jacquel's house just hours before. Jacquel had thrown a huge tantrum when Nichollo refused to let her go to the Weasley family Christmas party and could only be appeased when Nichollo begged the Weasleys to come over. Harry was also invited even though he wanted to spend the holidays with Sirius_)

**Harry**: Why am I thinking about Sirius? He's my godfather for crying out loud! I am not gay; I love Ginny Weasley! I AM NOT GAY! (_Fred overhears him_)

**Fred**: Harry, this is a family show! What the hell are you talking about?

**Harry**: The fact that I...well...you love Jacquel, don't you?

**Fred**: Very much.

**Harry**: And if you wanted to, would you make out with her?

**Fred**: Harry, I already made out with her during that shaving party a few years ago, remember?

**Harry**: And didn't Lupin yell at you and her for doing that?

**Fred**: Yeah. So what's the deal with you and Sirius?

**Harry**: I kind of like him...

**Fred**: WHAT??

**Fangirls**: (_crying_)

**Harry**: Sorry, Joanne, but I'll never get to marry Ginny in the cheesy epilogue of the 7th book and have 3 horribly misnamed kids!

**J. K. Rowling**: Awwww damn! But at least I'll have your friend Stacey marry the girl who's been wanting HIM for years...And yes, it's Aslan Griswold, Stacey.

**Stacey**: NOOOOOOOOOO!!

**Jacquel**: Can we get back to the story? Like right now?

**Fred**: Harry, you must be kidding! You know how Ginny feels about you...

**Harry**: I hate to do this to her, Fred, but I must. I'll go up to Sirius and tell him how I feel about him.

**Fred**: Harry, you're insane!

**Harry**: Don't forget that you want Jacquel, you naughty boy!

**Fred**: I like totally _hate_ you, Harry!

end of part 1

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**Part II**

(_on Christmas Eve,_ _we see everyone prepping for Jacquel's Chirstmas party. Nichollo had promised to keep his playgirls away from the ballroom, but Jacquel doesn't believe him. Also, Hermione decided to come over as well as the entire Order of the Phoenix. Tonks decides that everyone should play a little drinking game_)

**Everyone**: What? A drinking game?

**Tonks**: Sure. We will drink and reveal our darkest secrets.

**Moody**: Are you sure? You know how bad I get...

**Kingsley**: Remember last year at my house, when Moody pratically butchered that one song by what's-his-name...(_everyone remembers last year, when Moody attempted to sing the Gorillaz's Dirty Harry. Unfortunately Harry got embarrased and Jacquel humilated Moody even further by posting the entire thing on YouTube, which got over 1.6 million hits within 30 minutes of posting_.) That's why I asked Richard to come.

**Moody**: Kingsley, you didn't!

**Kingsley**: I did. (_at the same time, Fred and George had raided the freezer and pilfered most of the Firewhiskey. The kids had decided to play their own truth-or-dare game as well_)

**Hermione**: Ok, Jacobine, who do you have a crush on?

**Jacobine**: Neville Longbottom. (_said boy blushes_) Who do you like, Ron?

**Ron**: Uhhhh, Hermione?

**Julia**: Obvious!

**George**: You're a lesbian, Jules!

**Julia**: Shut up, George! For all we know, _Nelena's_ a lesbian!

**Jacobine**: And if that is so, then why is she with Magnus?

**George**: And since _you're_ not a lesbian, Julia, who do you like?

**Julia**: Kingsley Shackelbolt.

**Jacquel**: Ooooooooh bad Julia! You like Kingsley?

**Hermione**: Oh, icky!

**Jacobine**: Double icky!

**Julia**: Oh, c'mon, girls! I think he's rather nice-looking, don't you think?

**Ginny**: Get her! (_they all attack Julia with pillows_)

-_meanwhile_-

**Tonks**: (_looking into the freezer_) I could have sworn I brought more firewhiskey than that...(_grabs the remaining bottles and returns to the den_) And now for a round of _I Never_.

**Richard**: Well, I never went to Disneyland...

**Moody**: Yes you did, Richard.

**Richard**: Not the one in America.

**Tonks**: You're hurting my feelings, Richie.

**Richard**: Don't call me Richie, _Nymphadora_! I am a Knight!

**Tonks**: DON'T CALL ME NYMPHADORA!

**Richard**: Sorry, _Tonks_! Now where were we?

**Arthur**: I never went to Disneyland either. Can I drink?

**Lupin**: No, Arthur. You can't drink.

**Molly**: I have one: I never made out with a werewolf...(_Sirius drinks_)

**Tonks**: You would use one of _our_ words, Molly?

**Molly**: I would.

**Richard**: Grownups. I would like to play a new game: _who do you like_?

**Arthur**: Molly, naturally. (_Molly blushes, Tonks giggles_) Richard, who do you like?

**Moody**: I know, he likes that Indian girl, Meena is her name?

**Richard**: Dad, you're mean!

**Kingsley**: (_to Hestia_) Who do you like?

**Hestia**: Daedalus Diggle. (_Daedalus blushes, everyone else laughs_)

**Emmeline**: Who do you like, Tonks?

**Tonks**: Well...

-_back to the kids_-

**Ginny**: Give it up, Jules! You cannot like Kingsley!

**Julia**: OK! I actually like Mark Evans! Happy?

**Hermione**: That's enough, everyone! Ok, Jacquel, who do you like?

**Jacquel**: Fred Weasley. (_blushes like crazy_)

**Harry**: I knew it! Fred, you seduced her, didn't you?

**Fred**: Yeah, maybe. Now, Harry, who do you like?

**George**: And no lies.

**Luna**: I can tell if you're lying, Harry.

**Harry**: Ok, fine! I like Sirius Black! (_everyone gasps_)

**Ron**: Sirius? But he's your godfather!

**Ginny**: Ewwww!

**Jacobine**: You can't like Sirius, Harry! He's my father!

**Julia**: Harry, you just made my inner fangirl very very happy!

**Jacobine**: Goddammit, Julia Faith Black! He's _your_ father, too! Can you for once in your life do your daughterly duty?

**Julia**: But neither you nor I were daughters to begin with, Jacobine Hope Black! (_they go backstage and argue_)

**Jacquel**: I've had enough of this! Hey Fred, I know a secret place where there's a bunch of misteltoe hovering over it...(_she and Fred run off_)

**George**: Harry, are you ok? You look like you're sick.

**Harry**: Well, it's just that I've been thinking about Sirius lately and yes, I kind of like him...

**Ron, Ginny, Hermione, and Luna**: Ewwwwwwwwwww!

-_back to the grownups_-

**Emmeline**: You can't hide forever, Tonks! Who do you like?

**Richard**: She won't speak! Her will is made of iron!

**Sirius**: Then I suppose we'll have to make it rust. Truth or dare, Tonks?

**Tonks**: Truth.

**Hestia**: Do you like Kingsley Shackelbolt?

**Tonks**: Yes.

**Daedalus**: No, _seriously_, Tonks. Do you _LIKE_ Kingsley Shackelbolt?

**Tonks**: Well...

**Emmeline**: Admit it, Tonks; you like Kingsley!

**Kingsley**: Really?

**Moody**: Awww, leave the poor girl alone.

**Lupin**: Haven't you guys degraded her enough for tonight? It's Christmas Eve, for crying out loud!

**Everyone**: SHUT UP REMUS!

**Emmeline**: We already know that you have a daughter named Jacquel Romanov...

**Tonks**: SHUT UP, Y'ALL! I admit it; I _do_ like Kingsley Shackelbolt!

**Everyone**: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

**Arthur**: Do you like him enough to make out with him?

**Molly**: ARTHUR??

**Richard**: Sirius, you've been God-awfully quiet the whoel time. Tell me, who do you like?

**Sirius**: Harry Potter. (_all gasp_)

**Tonks**: You must be kidding!

**Lupin**: Harry's your godson, Paddy!

**Richard**: You're gonna break some girl's heart.

**Sirius**: As if my heart hasn't been broken before! (_he runs off, crying. everyone glares at Richard_)

**Richard**: Hey, what'd I do?

end of part 2

WBRABHPFFSWBRABHPFFSWBRABHPFFSWBRABHPFFSWBRABHPFFSWBRABHPFFSWBRABHPFFS

**Part III**

(_it's now Christmas Day at Jacquel's mansion. After all the presents were opened and shared, Jacquel thought it would be fun if they had a snowball fight; with the kids on one team and the grownups on the other team. But there are two people who don't join in the Christmas fun. They are inside one of the large bedrooms, both hating themselves for revealing their darkest secrets the night before._)

**Harry**: I hate my life.

**Sirius**: Why do I like Harry?

**Harry**: Sometimes I wish I should just kiss him and get this over with!

**Sirius**: Maybe I should kiss him and then take off.

**Harry**: WHY DOES EVERYTHING BAD HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME?? (_he starts crying. Sirius gives him a hug_) Leave me alone!

**Sirius**: Harry, don't cry. Why are you so upset?

**Harry**: Because at Jacquel's party last night, I admitted that I liked you.

**Sirius**: Yeah, I also admitted that I liked you at Tonks's party.

**Harry**: Well, life sucks. (_he_ _cries even harder and clings to Sirius. Sirius smiles and hugs him_)

-_outside, where the kids are being badly beaten by the grownups_-

**Jacquel**: Where's Harry?

**Fred**: We're getting creamed out here!

**Ron**: We need help! (_just then some Knights show up_)

**Sean**: Did somebody call for help? (_the kids stare at him_) Well, we are the Black Knights, and we're here to help you solve all your problem. Now, What's your problem? (_several moments later, all the grownups were buried up to their necks in snow_)

**Richard**: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! I hope that this teaches you not to go around messing with us kids! (_everyone has a good laugh. Meanwhile, Harry and Sirius are still in the the room_.)

**Harry**: Sirius, I have a confession to make: I love you.

**Sirius**: I love you so much, Harry. (_they kiss. Just then, Fred and Tonks walk into the room and see them_)

**Fred**: About time Harry cracked! Can you believe that he acted like such a jerk?

**Tonks**: Well, I'm shocked. Didn't think that would actually happen. (_Jacquel and Ginny show up_)

**Jacquel**: (_sees Harry and Sirius kissing_) Ok, I'm going to pretend that I never saw _that_!

**Ginny**: Ewwwww!!

**Tonks**: I'm glad Julia wasn't around to see that; she'd make a big deal out of it.

**Ginny**: Hmmm, yeah.

**Jacquel**: Well, let's all be grateful that this worked out so well.

**Fred**: But someone owes me a shave. (_looks at Jacquel_)

**Tonks**: We'll leave these two alone, ok? (_and after taking one last look at the happy couple, all four go back to the party_)

end of the show**

* * *

****Pink Royale**: And that concludes the ultimate bad fanfiction holiday story, _I'm Dreaming of a Slash Christmas_! But before we can go on: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! I'll back in January to post more bad fanfiction stories!

* * *

Next time: Out of the Closet

Please review and send me some of your ideas. I might post them with your name as the credits.

**Rachel**: And please tell _Pink Royale_ telling her to get rid of Nelena! She's evil! What are you waiting for? Jacquel to be murdered? Seriously folks, REVIEW OR ELSE I'LL SET THE DEATH EATERS ON YOU!!

**Nelena**: You better not!

**Serena**: Shut up, Nellie! Your gonna die! It will happen soon!


	15. Dumbledore's SecretEXPOSED!

**Pink Royale**: We have now hit another milestone with well OVER 2000 hits, and I say in order to celebrate this milestone, we read more bad fanfiction stories! Have fun!

Happy New Year! I'm back to write more bad fanfiction stories for you to read!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

* * *

**

**Dumbledore's Secret...EXPOSED!**

**Pink Royale**: And now we present to you what would happen if Dumbledore's biggest secret came out. Enjoy...or maybe not, since the old bastard has told his final lie!

(_the kids are gathered in the Great Hall. Dumbledore has died several weeks before and everyone is very sad. Amber Dumbledore, Dumbledore's daughter and potential heiress to the Dumbledore fortune, pulls out several packets of letters and reads them to the students, teachers, staff, and her mother and daughter_)

**Amber**: Listen up, everyone: just before my father died, there were some letters that he wanted me to read to you. Hopefully these letters will not change your mind about what a great man he is.

**Jonathan**: (_muttering to himself_) Yeah right. Her dad is nothing but an idiot.

**Amber**: (_reading the letter_) _Dear students, teachers, & staff, if you are reading this letter, that means that I have met an unfortunate end. Do not be too sad for me, as I have lived a hard life. For many of you, you may recall the day I defeated Gellert Grindelwald..._

(_and now comes the part that was a bit too violent for chapter 6_)

**Dumbledore**: Come out, Gellert! I know you're out there! (_waves his wand about. Grindelwald shows up_)

**Grindelwald**: Albus! I always knew you were going to show up! Did you think that you could just let me off that easy?

**Dumbledore**: Ahhh, Gellert. Ever the comedian, aren't you?

**Grindelwald**: Not this time, Albus! You broke my heart; now I'm going to break every bone in your body!

**Dumbledore**: But Gellert, you wouldn't really do that, or would you?

**Grindelwald**: We were friends, Albus! I loved you! And then you had the nerve to spit me out like an old piece of muggle candy!

**Dumbledore**: I knew we loved each other, but Isabella came along and I had to have her...

**Grindelwald**: And so you just had to push me aside and go after that little slattern, didn't you? Well, listen up here, Albus: You are nothing but a manipulating bastard who cares only for himself! I've had it with you and your crap!

**Dumbledore**: Awwww, what are you gonna do about it?

**Grindelwald**: THIS! (_he zaps Dumbledore_) Mark my words, Albus: you will be the cause of Isabella's death! You will bring pain and suffering to everyone you meet! You will...(_Dumbledore waves his wand_)

**Dumbledore**: AVADA KEDAVRA! (_Grindelwald falls down dead_) Now who's the weakest link?

**Amber**: (_reading the letter_) _After that, I claimed that I killed Grindelwald in a duel and they called me a hero. But of course Isabella saw right through me..._

**Dumbledore**: Isabella, why can't you forgive me?

**Belle**: I can't believe you, Albus! You think you're so great just because you killed the Dark Lord!

**Dumbledore**: I _did_ kill the Dark Lord!

**Belle**: You're letting it get to your head! Don't do it, Al!

**Amber**: (_reading the letter_) _I should have forseen my misdeeds but I didn't. And my stupidity led me to doing something stupid..._

**Belle**: Guess what, Albus? I'm getting married!

**Dumbledore**: But Isabella, you can't!

**Belle**: Sorry, Albus, but I'm marrying Paul Romanov wether you like it or not. I'll let you meet him if you like. (_Dumbledore takes one look at Paul and gasps_)

**Dumbledore**: No way am I letting you marry that...that monster, Isabella!

**Belle**: It's not my choice; they told me that I must marry him. I'm not in love with him or anything like that.

**Dumbledore**: Don't do it, Belle! If you do then you will die!

**Amber**: (_reading the letter_) _With the departure of Isabella, my life took a downturn. It seems as if no mater what I did, I ruined someone's life. But I had not yet done my worse deed..._

**Dumbledore**: No way am I letting you marry that...that monster, Isabella!

**Belle**: We've been through this, Albus. I must marry him or else he'll die. And besides, you don't know what he's been through.

**Dumbledore**: But he doesn't even love you, Belle.

**Belle**: I don't have to love him, Al. I just have to marry him.

**Dumbledore**: Listen to me, Belle: I love you. You...you complete me.

**Belle**: You don't really love me, Albus.

**Dumbledore**: You should know that I love you, Isabella. Please don't leave me!

**Belle**: Goodbye, Albus. (_she and Paul leave_)

**Dumbledore**: I love you, Isabella! Come back! And as for you, Paul, I shall place a curse of death on you and your descendants!

**Amber**: (_reading the letter_) _I did it. I have done the ultimate deed. I placed a death curse on Paul and Isabella and their future_ _children. Their daughter Irene would never forgive me for doing this. I'm such an idiot. But the greatest crime that I have committed has yet to be shown_...

**Dumbledore**: (_he sits at his desk. before him is 15-year-old Jacquel Romanov. she is not happy_.) Why have you come to see me, Miss Romanov?

**Jacquel**: I only came to ask you one question: why?

**Dumbledore**: Why what?

**Jacquel**: Why did you lie to me?

**Dumbledore**: What did I lie to you about?

**Jacquel**: You should know what you lied to me about!

**Dumbledore**: So you found out something about your family. Why are you so upset?

**Jacquel**: You listen to me you stupid old man and you better listen good because I'm only gonna tell you this once. You have lied to me and decieved me for the last 13 years of my life. I have spent those 13 years living without my mother and grandparents. I believed thatI really was an orphan! I had to live with a manI didn't like! I had to keep running away to a family that despised magic! And I never even got to meet my father! and it's all your fault!

**Dumbledore**: I understand why you are angry, Miss Romanov...

**Jacquel**: I don't even know if that's my real name...

**Dumbledore**: No it's not. Your name is Jacquelyn Claire Lupin.

**Jacquel**: I knew it! You lied to me once again! And not only that, you never told me that Professor Lupin was my father! And to think you were good! One day, so help me God, one day, I'm so gonna rip you into little pieces! (_storms out of the room_)

**Amber**: (_reading the letter_) _And with that, I lost the trust of that child. But I should not have been surprised that this had happened, since I had placed that death curse on her grandparents, which killed them and eventually her mother. I realized that one more thing happens to her, Jacquelyn Lupin would be the death of me..._

**Dumbledore**: (_on the night that he died_) It's over, Minerva. I've screwed up everyone's lives. I've hurt my mother, sister, Gellert, Tom, Paul, Isabella, Irene, Jacquelyn, and Harry. I've betrayed them all.

**McGonagall**: Albus, don't talk like that; it ill becomes you.

**Dumbledore**: You don't understand, Minerva. I've hurt them all. Even you, Amber, and Cygnus. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself. (_he sees Harry and walks over to him_) Listen to me, Tabby: you must protect the last member of the Romanov family. It's the least I can do since I've destroyed the Romanovs. And now, I must prepare to face the people I hurt the most...

**Amber**: (_reading the letter_) _I apologize, dear students, for the many sins I have done and I can only ask for forgiveness from she who refuses to forgive even the simplest of transgressions and the boy who I have harmed. Perhaps we can all meet again in a more pleasant setting. Until we meet again._

**Harry**: That was kind of sad.

**Ron**: I must say, Dumbledore had to be a world-class idiot to do what he did to the Romanov family.

**Hermione**: I never would have thought that he would have been capable of committing such an atrocity as this.

**Jacquel**: It doesn't matter. I will _never_ forgive him!**

* * *

After all has been said and done, do you REALLY think we can trust Dumbledore?**

1. Since J. K. Rowling said that Dumbledore was gay, I have now seen way too many stories about Dumbledore hooking up with Grindelwald. Yes, folks. I have been reading some very bad fanfiction stories!

2. Also, if Dumbledore was really gay, he would not have hooked up with Isabella Braumlein Crenshaw or Minerva McGonagall at all. Nor would he have become Amber's father. WHERE DID IT SAY IN THE BOOKS THAT HE WAS GAY?

3. Paul's family had been slain during the Russian Revolution of 1917-1918 in 1918; the Romanov family too recieved a death curse from the mystic monk Rasputin. (_He really did curse the Romanovs with death; it's a true story_.)

4.I have also been reading too many bad fanfiction stories about Dumbledore being a manipulative jerk who uses Harry to solve his own problems. Well, was he really **THAT** controlling of Harry's life? You be the judge.

5. Jacquel got mad at Dumbledore when she discovered that her whole life was a lie and her father was Lupin. What did you people expect? Dumbledore was a jerk to her grandfather and turned her mother and grandmother against them. And after Irene's death, Dumbledore didn't allow Lupin to raise Jacquel; he sent the baby to live with her philandering cousin. What a jerk.

6. In **Half-Blood Prince**, Dumbledore killed his own stupid self because he was so stupid and he touched that horucrux. Snape only finished the job. Dumbledore probably manipulated Snape into killing him. He too must have manipulated the Weasleys into being friends with Harry. (_and believe you me, they did their job all too well_) I've been reading too many bad fanfiction stories!

There's plenty more stuff I want to say about Dumbledore, but we're out of time for now. Well, before we turn off the TV, we have one more thing to say: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

* * *

Next time: **The Last We'll Ever See of Her **

Please review and send me some of your ideas. I might post them with your name as the credits.

**Rachel**: And please tell _Pink Royale_ telling her to get rid of Nelena! She's evil! What are you waiting for? Jacquel to be murdered? Seriously folks, REVIEW OR ELSE I'LL SET THE DEATH EATERS ON YOU!

**Nelena**: You better not!

**Serena**: Shut up, Nellie! Your gonna die!

**Darla**: You're gonna get it big time!

**Alec**: Readers, prepare for THE END!

**Harry**: please review and NO FLAMES!


	16. Nelena's Last Stand

**Pink Royale**: It's time for the moment that you've all been waiting for!

**Harry**: NELENA GOES AWAY & DIES!

**Ron**: Seriously, folks, can any of you put up with such a person like her?

**Hermione**: I don't like Nelena anyway.

**Neville**: She needs to go away and not come back.

**Pink Royale**: Let's get on with the show!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**Nelena's Last Stand**

**Pink Royale**: And now we present to you the story that will hopefully spell the end of Jacquel's cruel rival. Now say goodbye to Nelena, folks!

**Nelena**: You better not!

**Pink Royale**: And another thing readers...

**Everyone**: What?

**Pink Royale**: I am now changing my pen name to Claire Violet Thorpe.

**Everyone**: But why would you do that, Jacquel?

**Claire**: Oh, you'll see.

(_the kids are gathered in the Great Hall. suddenly, Filch comes running in. a poisonous dart is embedded in his back_)

**Amber**: What's up, Filch?

**Filch**: We're under attack! (_he falls to the ground and dies. pandemonium breaks out_)

**Dumbledore**: (_cracking his wand_) SILENCE! (_everyone_ _quiets down_) We will escape in an orderly manner. Prefects, take the younger students to their dorms. Teachers, let us deal with the invasion. (_prefects take the children and run to their dorms. teachers rush to guard the enterances to the school_)

**Jacquel**: Looks like Nelena is up to her old tricks again.

**Hermione**: How would you know?

**Jacquel**: She murdered Argus Filch. Isn't that enough evidence?

**Ron**: Yes! Let's kick her ass! (_Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Jacquel draw their wands and hurl themselves at four dark figures that broke through the windows_)

**Harry**: Show your faces, cowards! (_another figure leaps at him, but Neville rips his cape off_)

**Jacquel**: Magnus? What the hell? Why?

**Ron**: I thought you were Jacquel's friend!

**Hermione**: You betrayed her!

**Magnus**: I know, I know.

**Jacquel**: But why would you betray me?

**Magnus**: Nelena doesn't like you.

**Harry**: Don't think we don't know that!

**Magnus**: Nelena wanted me to be her friend and since Jacquel didn't want to be her friend...

**Ron**: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Since when was Jacquel and Nelena were friends?

**Jacquel**: Well, it started back when I was 8 years old...

(_flashback to Bedmount, 1988. 8-year-old Jacquel Romanov is playing outside when she sees a strange girl_)

**Young Jacquel**: Who the heck are you?

**Young Nelena**: Hi. I'm Nelena. And you are...

**Young Jacquel**: Jacquel Romanov.

**Young Nelena**: So, anyways, I live with my mother and uncle, sister, brother, and two cousins in the forest. We've lived all over the world, well, mostly in the woods anyway. Did you know that my mot...(_she rambles on and on. eventually, Jacquel gets very annoyed with Nelena_)

**Young Jacquel**: Hey Nelena!

**Young Nelena**: What?

**Young Jacquel**: SHUT UP! (_Nelena drops her jaw. flashback ends_)

**Jacquel**: On the day I told her to shut up, we became enemies.

**Hermione**: Wow. I didn't think you had it in you.

**Ron**: Me neither.

**Harry**: Way to go, Jacquel. You actually told her to shut up.

**Magnus**: And the sad part was, I happened to be with her when she said that.

**Neville**: You said a mean word, Jacquel. I'll never look at you the same way again. (_Malfoy shows up with Blaise Zambini and Theo Nott_)

**Malfoy**: What's this I hear? Little Miss Princess actually talked down to the shrimp?

**Blaise**: She doesn't sound like a Gryffindor to me.

**Nott**: You know, you could have stayed in Slytherin.

**Jacquel**: Yeah, but even then I'd still be a Gryffindor. (_Nelena comes_) And now we have to fight.

**Nelena**: Hey Pinky, you should just die; you are nothing more than a spoiled brat!

**Harry**: well, we gotta do this. Let's get them! (_the kids spring into action. the figures rise and suddenly, spells are being casted_)

**Magnus**: It's over Nelena! And guess what? I never liked you anyway! (_Nelena gets angry_)

**Malfoy**: And also, quit picking on Jacquel Romanov! She's my enemy, not yours...(_Jacquel stops him_)

**Jacquel**: No. This is my fight! I made Nelena who she is and she made me who I am. She's been making fun of me for the last 2 years of my life, and I say it's time for me to end this! (_Gonna Fly Now the theme from Rocky II plays_) You're going down!

**Nelena**: Prepare to die! (_they draw out their wands and start hurling curses at each other. the fight drags from the Great Hall to the Forbidden Forest, then to the Chamber of Secrets, then after an unforgettable air battle over London, the girls end up fighting in the Death Chamber in the Ministry of Magic_)

**Magnus**: (_he and the others have chased the fight until they see Jacquel and Nelena standing before the veil_) Wait! Can't you two see that fighting only ends in tears?

**Nelena**: It doesn't matter. She's a spoiled brat; she deserves to die!

**Jacquel**: Why do I deserve to die? We all have the right to LIVE!

**Hermione**: Well, _au contraire_, Jacquelyn, there are some people in this world who don't deserve to live, like Nelena for example.

**Malfoy**: She's always telling you to "_go away and die_".

**Jacquel**: I see. (_takes out her wand_) Well, I never thought I'd say this.

**Nelena**: say what?

**Jacquel**: THIS! (_waves her wand_) GO AWAY AND DIE! (_zaps Nelena to within inches of her life_)

**Nelena**: But Jacquel, why?

**Jacquel**: Oh let me see: you are mean to me, you try to kill me every few days, you've wrecked my friendship with Magnus…

**Magnus**: C'mon Jacquel, I still wanna be your friend.

**Jacquel**: And you even tried to have me kidnapped by a Death Eater.

**Hermione**: Actually, said Death Eater reported the incident to Dumbledore.

**Jacquel**: Sorry, Nelena, but I'm gonna send you behind the veil. AVADA KEDAVRA!

**Nelena**: No please! I'm sorry!

**Jacquel**: Too late, Nelena. You've gone too damn far and now you have to pay the price. And besides, Jacquel never forgives and she never forgets.

**Nelena**: Magnus, would you please be a friend and help me out here?

**Magnus**: What are you, nuts? I'm not even your friend, so why should I help you? I never even liked you anyway!

**Nelena**: NOOOOOOOOOO!! (_she falls behind the veil and dies. a set of twins come out_)

**Twin #1**: Thank you very much for saving us, Jacquel Romanov.

**Jacquel**: Who the heck are you?

**Twin #2**: We are victims of Nelena's cruelty. She kidnapped us when we were 10 years old and forced us to impersonate Jason and Lorraine Luvannokitch.

**Harry**: So then the real Jason and Lorraine Luvannokitch are…

**Twin #1**: Yes. They're dead. They and their mother were killed in a bus accident a long time ago, when they were just 14 and 16 years old.

**Jacquel**: So that means that you weren't them, were you?

**Twin** **#2**: We are orphans when Nelena stole us from our home and forced us to impersonate them and claim them as her parents.

**Hermione**: So Jason and Lorraine _are_ dead then.

**Ron**: And if you're telling the truth, then tell us this…

**Magnus**: Who the heck are Serena, Rachel, Darla, and Alec Luvannokitch?

**Twin #1**: There are no such people as them. There is only Stephanie, Chelsee, Laurie, Annilee, and Dante Prince. (_all gasp_)

**Jacquel**: What do you mean Serena, Rachel, Darla, and Alec are Stephanie, Chelsee, Laurie, Annilee, and Dante? Who are these people?

**Twin #2**: Their parents were killed in a fire when they were small children…

**Magnus**: I can safely assume that Nelena caused this, didn't she?

**Jacquel**: What do you expect, Maggie? Nelena is behind every incident in which a child becomes an orphan or whole familes die in man-made disasters!

**Twin #1**: You cannot be further from the truth. We have always dreamed of the day when a victim of Nelena's cruelty would rise up and sent her to a place where she cannot escape, a place where she would be eternally punished for her many sins.

**Twin #2**: And now we must leave and go on to a better place. I do hope we will meet again, Jacquel Romanov.

**Jacquel**: I will certainly meet you when I die. (_twins leave. the kids go back to Hogwarts_)

**Harry**: Well, that was quite weird.

**Hermione**: Yeah, especially when we learned that some people are not who we think they are.

**Jacquel**: Now that Nelena isn't here anymore, I really don't feel like using the name _Pink Royale_ anymore.

**Ron**: But Jacquel, I thought you liked the color pink, and _royale_ suggested that you were part royalty.

**Jacquel**: That may be true, Ron, but eversince I learned that Nelena hated me because I was…how should we say this, better than her, always wearing pink…she called me "_the Pink Princess_" as an insult. I really hate people who make fun of me.

**Neville**: Why don't you make up a new name?

**Blaise**: I've got it!

**Everyone**: What?

**Theo**: We can call her Claire Violet Thorpe.

**Jacquel**: What?

**Harry**: It's that simple: Claire is your middle name, Violet is the color that you'll be wearing from now on…

**Jacquel**: And Thorpe?

**Magnus**: Just thought it sounded nice. Now that you aren't fighting with anyone anymore…(_Malfoy snaps at Jacquel_)

**Malfoy**: Not so fast, you little _wolfling_!

**Jacquel**: Oh, so we're back to that again, eh, _Evil Faith_? (_they_ _start fighting as Stevie Wonder's My Cherie Amour plays_)

* * *

**Nelena may be no more, but the pain of her cruelty might take a long time to erase:**

Serena/Stephanie: Thanks for helping us get rid of Nelena!

Rachel/Chelsee: Now we can go on to our new lives.

Darla/Laurie: We still have to find Annilee, though.

Alec/Dante: We will, with the viewer's help!

Harry: Well, I can honestly say now, since Nelena is gone forever, it's on with the show!

Claire: Sure my name change was bit over the top, but before you aske me why I changed my name, ask yourselves this: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

* * *

Next time: **Random Moments, Part 2**

Please review and send me some of your ideas. I might post them with your name as the credits.


	17. Random Moments, Part 2

**Claire**: Ok, so it's my first show since I changed my name to Claire Violet Thorpe a few days ago. And now, we have some more random moments, wich are full of silliness and toilet jokes. Enjoy!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

Random Moments, Part 2

(_at the Death Eater headquarters._ _Voldemort is interviewing a potential canidate_)

**Voldemort**: So, tell me, what experiences with any evil leader do you have?

**Donnie**: Oh, I have plenty.

**Bellatrix**: Such as?

**Donnie**: Well, I don't have much experience with magic, per se, but I did have to deal with an evil leader who wanted to rule the world.

**Voldemort**: Are you sure?

**Donnie**: Yes.

**Voldemort**: Well, in that case, you're hired!

**Donnie**: Yay!

**Snape**: Oh crap! Another kid joins the group!

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(_Vernon and Petunia are confronting Dudley_)

**Vernon**: Happy birthday, Dudley. What do you want?

**Dudley**: I want to go to Harry's magic school. (_Harry and Jacquel gasp_)

**Harry**: Dudley! What the hell?

**Petunia**: Harry, that's not a nice thing to say to your cousin!

**Jacquel**: Oh, Dudley's just kidding, isn't he?

**Dudley**: No, I'm not!

**Vernon**: Yes, you'd better be kidding, Dudley.

**Dudley**: I'm not kidding, dad. I really want to go to Harry's magic school.

**Jacquel**: I believe that Harry's magic school is called Hogwarts.

**Vernon**: Whatever. Dudley, you won't be going to this _Hogwarts_.

**Petunia**: Plus, why don't you like going to Smeltings?

**Vernon**: Don't you want to be normal, unlike your freakish cousin?

**Harry**: Uh, you _do_ know that I'm in the room?

**Dudley**: But I wanna go to Hogwarts, it's not fair! (_he starts crying_)

**Vernon**: I absolutely forbid you from going. And you're going back to Smeltings wheter you like it or not!

**Dudley**: I DON'T CARE! I WANNA GO TO HOGWARTS! (_he blows up the cake. everyone screams_)

**Jacquel**: Dudley, you idiot! You got cake in my hair!

**Petunia**: I can't believe you, Dudley Ackley Dursley! GO TO YOU ROOM!

**Dudley**: I hate you! You hear me? I HATE YOU! (_he goes to his room_)

**Vernon**: Fine! Be that way, freak! (_to Harry_) And as for you boy, I don't know what you said to him, but-

**Jacquel**: AHEM!

**Vernon**: Fine. Clean this mess and then I want you to write a letter to your teacher and see if they can get Dudley to come to that school of yours.

**Dudley**: (_in his room. he had overheard the whole thing_) YES!

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(_in the graveyard, where Voldemort is about to attack Harry and Cedric_)

**Voldemort**: Kill the spare! (_Wormtail waves his wand and prepares to zap Cedric. but he accidentally zaps Solomon's sandwich_)

**Solomon**: You zapped my hoagie! How dare you do something like that!

**Wormtail**: Uh, sorry?

**Solomon**: Sorry? SORRY? I don't care if you're sorry! You zapped my sandwich! I challenge you to a duel!

**Wormtail**: Hey! You're mean! (_he starts crying_) Master, do somethig about him!

**Voldemort**: (_waving his wand at Solomon_) Freeze, b-tch! (_Sean shows up_)

**Sean**: NO! You freeze, b-tch!

**Wormtail**: Oh, sh-t! I'm f-cked!

**Solomon**: Now freeze, put your wands down, and hand over all the sandwiches and some Sunny D.

**Sean**: And if you're good, I'll poison some of your sandwiches and let you eat them.

**Solomon**: Sean??

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(_Snape shows up at the cementary, where Voldemort, Wormtail, Harry, Cedric, Sean, and Solomon are eating sandwiches_)

**Snape**: What the crap! How come nobody called me?

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(_Voldemort is interviewing another potential candidate_)

**Voldemort**: Ok. So you say that you have no family, people dislike you, and you want to get revenge on the girl who ruined your life?

**Slade**: Yes.

**Voldemort**: Very well. Welcome aboard.

**Lucius**: I'm getting sick of this sh-t!

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(_Harry writes a Tyler/Hayley slash story_)

**Harry**: And since Jacquel won't let me write slash in her story, I'll write one myself. (_writes the story_) "..._and so, after the Halloween incident, Tyler and Hayley were inseperable. Many students and teachers all wondered if their hero had actually found love. Even Snape couldn't understand why his son was in love with Tyler Potter_..." (_Snape walks in_)

**Snape**: Harry, what are you doing?

**Harry**: I'm writing a slash fanfiction story since Jacquel wouldn't let me put slash in her story.

**Snape**: I see. And why would she not allow you to put slash in her story?

**Harry**: She's such a homophobiac. She wants Tyler to get a girl.

**Snape**: Why not a guy?

**Harry**: She watches way too many movies with straight love in them.

**Snape**: But what about that "_Brokeback Mountain_" movie?

**Harry**: Yeah right. She only saw it because of Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall.

**Snape**: And why do you like slash? (_Harry reaches up and kisses him_) I see. (_they kiss again. the Fanboys are watching_)

**Wormtail**: Ooooooooh! Way to go, Sev! (_Ginny also sees them and gets mad_)

**Ginny**: Harry, I'm so kicking your ass! (_sees his story_) Or I'll just publish your story in the newspaper. (_takes his story and leaves_)

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(_during _**Harry Potter & Merlin's School of Magic**_ (coming soon) Jacquel and Harry meet at the Quidditch World Cup_)

**Harry**: So you're Jacquel Romanov, the Girl-Who-Lived?

**Jacquel**: Hmmm, yeah.

**Harry**: Well, I hate to break this to you, but you don't know that someone's been using you to recreate his glory days.

**Jacquel**: What the hell?

**Harry**: And you're not who you think you are.

**Jacquel**: The nerve of that b-tch! I'm so tearing him into pieces!

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(_scene from Goblet of Fire, when Dumbledore announces the death of Brom. this was also inspired by a video I saw on YouTube_)

**Dumbledore**: Last night, we recieved word of a terrible tragedy and today, we are experiencing a terrible loss. One of our teachers has been murdered. (_all gasp_) Adn while the Minister doesn't want you to know the truth behind how he died, I feel that for you to not know the truth would be an insult to his memory. Therefore you all have the right to know how he died. Brom the Storyteller was murdered by Durza the Shade. (_students groan. some of the girls start crying_) And that is quite an unfortunate event indeed in the history of Hogwarts.

**Nelena**: Yeah, whatever.

**Dumbledore**: Brom was a brave and loyal man who has helped us many times whenever we needed him.

**Nelena**: Yeah, whatever.

**Dumbledore**: But now he is gone, and yet he taught us one thing: while we all may come from different worlds and have different views about magic, we all have the same heart. And so, we dedicate this evening to a man who gave his life for the good of the wizarding world.

**Nelena**: Yeah, whatever.

**Dumbledore**: Say that one more time and I'll come over there and kick your ass! (_Eragon shows up. everyone gasps_)

**Eragon**: All right! Which one of you bastards here killed Brom? (_everyone points to Nelena_) It's time for you to go!

**Nelena**: (_jumps behind Jacquel_) Help! Save me, Pinky!

**Jacquel**: No way! You never liked me anyway, so why should I help you after what you tried to do to me? (_Eragon points an arrow at her_)

**Eragon**: BRISINGR! (_arrow hits Nelena_)

**Nelena**: Noooooooooo! (_she melts away_)

**Dean**: I don't believe it! He shot Nelena!

**Seamus**: Yeah. Didn't see that coming.

**Saphira**: AHEM!?

**Eragon**: Thank you, Saphira.

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(_inspired by a moment on Family Guy, Sirius is about to get sent back to Azkaban when an unexpected moment happens_)

**Judge**: Despite the evidence pointing to his innocense, I'm afraid I must send Sirius Black back to Azkaban.

**Sirius**: Oh, no!

**Lupin**: Oh, no!

**Julia**: Oh, no!

**Jacobine**: Oh, no!

**Harry**: Oh, no! (_Kool-Aid Man crashes into the courtroom_)

**Kool-Aid Man**: OH YEAH!! (_everyone stares at him. he backs away_)

**Jacquel**: Uh, can we all quit saying, "_Oh, no_!" because it'll make the Kool-Aid Man come out and say, "_Oh Yeah_!" (_Just then another wall is smashed. James Potter shows up and boy is he pissed_!)

**James**: All right! Now what's this about Sirius being sent back to Azkaban?

**Judge**: Uh, he betrayed you and Lily to Voldemort and blew up 13 people with a single curse.

**Wormtail**: Hey! I said I was sorry! Geez!

**Lily**: Sirius would never have betrayed us and blew up 13 peopel with a single curse! But I do know know someone who DID try to betray us.

**Vernon**: Who?

**Lily**: It was Dumbledore! (_everyone gasps. said wizard becomes frightened_)

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(_Voldemort and the kids are at a movie theater when he meets yet another potential candidate_)

**Voldemort**: OK, kids, let's all go watch "_Horton Hears a Who_". (_just_ _then, Treasure Tolkien from the_ **Not Another...Movies** _series shows up_)

**Treasure**: I wouldn't do that.

**Voldemort**: Why not?

**Treasure**: How old are you?

**Voldemort**: As if that's any of your business.

**Treasure**: Whatever. You're a little too old to be watching "_Horton Hears a Who_". Why don't you try watching "_Tyler_ _Perry's Meet the Brown's_" instead?

**Voldemort**: Aren't you a little too young to be watching that movie?

**Treasure**: Yeah, but my mom doesn't want me watching G-rated movies. She says they promote childish behavior.

**Voldemort**: I see. And now, I have you in my clutches, and you'll have to do as I say.

**Treasure**: Say what?

**Voldemort**: You're mine now, kid. (_to the other children_) Everyone into the movies now! (_they all run into the movie. Snape and Lucius start laughing_)

**Snape**: Hahahahahahahahahaha! (_a random woman walks up to him_)

**Woman**: Hey, what's so funny?

**Lucius**: We switched his tickets!

**Woman**: Uh-huh.

**Lucius**: You see, he wanted to see _Horton Hears a Who_ but what he doesn't know it that he's actually seeing _10,000 BC_ instead!

**Woman**: Oh, I get it. So you played a trick on him.

**Snape**: Yes! We're naughty, just like the twins! (_Fred and George show up_)

**Fred**: Impressive.

**George**: Most impressive.

**Twins**: But you have a long way to go before you get to our level! (_they and the woman laugh. Snape and Lucius groan. Meanwhile, Voldemort gets the shock of his life_)

**Voldemort**: Hey! This isn't _Horton Hears a Who_! This looks like _Jumper_!

* * *

**WHO DECIDED TO WRITE THIS CRAP??**

1. Voldemort decides to keep hiring more kids to be his henchmen. Why?

2. This story takes place during Harry's second year. Apparently Dudley wanted to go to Hogwarts and his parents wouldn't let him, so he throws a tantrum and he ends up ruining the cake and getting sent to his room. Maybe it would have been better for Harry if Dudley were actually a wizard, AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE??

3. Well, it would have been better if Wormtail got his butt kicked by some random wizard.

4. Just whose side is Snape still on, anyway?

5. Voldemort uses his "_yeah, I've been there_" trick to lure yet another child into his evil trap.

6. Harry is trying to make my "_Tyler Potter_" series a slash story. Please review and tell him to NOT DO THAT!!

Also, R.I.P., Heath; he was a fine actor who was taken from us far too soon.

7. In _Harry Potter & Merlin's School of Magic_, Harry grows up as a normal kid while Jacquel is forced to take on the dreaded role of Girl-Who-Lived. There is an evil Dumbledore, smart Weasleys, nice Malfoy, and misunderstood Neville in this story.

8. In the last **Random Moments**, Brom taught at Hogwarts. But Nelena killed him when she attacked Hogwarts and ragon made sure she got what she deserved.

9. Now you tell me: was everything that happened to Harry all just part of Dumbledore's plans all along?

10. Here's a lesson: The next time you go see a movie, please make sure that the movie you are seeing is the movie that you've paid for. And it's also unwise to talk back to a Movie Character.

Here's another crappy moment: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

* * *

That's all for now! I will have more random moments in the future.

Next time: **The Cast of Harry Potter Sings Deathly Hallows**

review and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	18. Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows Song

**Claire**: It's my second show since I changed my name to Claire Violet Thorpe. And now, here's how everyone reacted to _Deathly_ _Hallows_, which sucked. Enjoy!

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This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows Song**

(_everyone is at Hogwarts_)

**Jacquel**: So what did you think of _Deathly Hallows_?

**All**: it sucked!

**Hermione**: I know! Damn that story was so predictable!

**Ron**: I hated it!

**Harry**: J. K. Rowling is such a b-tch for screwing us up like that!

**Stacey**: And that's why the world chose fanfiction over her piece of sh-t book!

**Julia**: Hey! Why don't we make this into a song?

**All**: Yeah!

**Jacquel**: Here's how it's gonna go: (_starts singing_) On July 21, 2007 we joined a billion people in choosing fanfiction over canon. You see that she screwed up the ending, killing off our favorite characters and making the epilogue from hell. So we're gonna go back and rewrite the story, which will be written by our very own Jacquel! (_everyone cheers_)

**Harry**: But is that all?

**Jacquel**: No, it's not! here's how it really goes: (_starts singing_) they say that every story deserves a clean ending, well, Joanne decided she'd break that rule. Ok, it's her story and we all respect that, but then again, she had no right to play games with our lives...(_everyone_ _starts singing_)

**Harry**: the story is now over

**Ron**: it was so predictable

**Hermione**: I could of had Harry

**Ginny**: No way, he's mine!

**Jacquel**: He'll never be yours Gin, so why don't you go out with Neville?

**Neville**: Uh ok, but I still kind of like Luna

**Julia**: sadly you lucked out

**Stacey**: and just to show that we still have spite

**All**: we're all gonna sing about how bad it was...

**Harry**: oh the beginning was cliche

**Jacquel**: why didn't she use my ideas

**Hermione**: yours was the best, but she went with hers instead

**Stacey**: but the middle was dumb

**Harry**: I don't even LIKE camping

**Ron**: and I would NEVER ever in life run out on my friends.

**Neville**: but then she made me out to be a badass

**Ron**: she made you kill a snake

**Neville**: I should have killed Bellatrix

**Fred**: I shouldn't have died

**George**: I shouldn't have lost my ear

**Gabriel**: why did dad get bitten by a snake

**Stacey**: that's just wierd

**Gabriel**: he was your dad too, Stacey

**Stacey**: yeah, you could have told me that before Joanne killed me

**Tonks**: then the bitch had to nerve to say I got pregnant and killed me and my dad and Remus and Jacquel and I didn't even get a death scene and Teddy became an orphan??

**Jacquel**: She gives me a stepmother, makes me marry Fred and have kids, and I get to die before I ever get the chance to see them...

**Ginny**: And then mummy starts cursing...

**Bellatrix**: WHAT?? MOLLYWOBBLES ACTUALLY CURSES?? THAT"S JUST PLAIN WRONG!!

**Neville**: I killed a snake when I should have killed you, you stupid bitch!

**Voldemort**: All these years I wasted trying to kill Harry when I should have killed Dumbledore and ended this stupid war...

**Death Eaters**: Darn right you should have! Dumbledore is a pig!

**Lucius**: And since when did canon become fanfiction

**Snape**: I NEVER would have hooked up with Lily; it would have been Jadis

**Ron**: and the epilogue was full of crap

**Ginny**: she made my dreams come true

**Hermione**: but it didn't even sound right

**Gabriel**: and what's this about the words "_All Was Well_"?

**Harry**: "_All Was Well_"? "_All Was Well_"?! 10 years of waiting and that's all she came up with?!

**Stacey**: And that's why on July 21, 2007, the world said, "_Thanks for Harry Potter, Rowling, but no thanks_!"

**Julia**: It was also when we all chose fanfiction over canon

**Jacquel**: I wish she'd let me write the story; at leats it wouldn't have sucked

**Hermione**: don't worry, canon sucks anyway

**Harry**: fanfiction is afterlife

**Ron**: but now we've got this _Twilight_ and I'm gonna read it

**All**: because _Twilight_, to me is life after _Harry Potter_

**Lupin**: and what's this about Dumbledore being gay; it was me and Sirius all along!

**All**: the grande finale just didn't go right...

**Jacquel**: because _Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows_ is nothing more than 99 percent bark & 1 percent bite!

* * *

All right, what the hell happened here??

1. I've read over 500 7th year stoires; why weren't any of them used in the book?

2. 99 percent of those stories were fanfiction, and the fanfiction stories were better than this piece of crap!

3. I've even written my own anti-_Deathly Hallows_ story; it's called **Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows Redux**, not to be confused with Harry Potter Redux, which is flat-out different than the new story.

4. There are many other anti-_Deathly Hallows_ fanfiction stories out there; and I suggest you give them a chance.

5. And on the epilogue, admit it: you would have done better.

6. In the **Series that Made No Sense**, there is a _Deathly Hallows_-like premise, but our hero (Tyler Potter) does more than search for horucruxes and deal with a stupid gay Dumbledore: he uncovers Hayley Snape's secert past life as Harry Potter.

7. When _Deathly Hallows_ the Movie comes to theaters, I suggest you see it once; then go see somethign else to get those bad memories out of your head.

Now that we've FINALLY gotten over _Deathly Hallows_, we got one more question to ask ourselves: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

That's all for now! I will have more silly songs in the future.

* * *

Next time: **Whatever Happened to...**

review and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	19. Whatever Happened to those characters Ja

**Claire**: It's my third show since I changed my name to Claire Violet Thorpe. And now we have to ask ourselves this one nagging question: We all know what happened to Harry Potter and his friends, but we need to know this: **whatever** **happened to Jacquel Romanov, Julia Black, Stacey Morgan, Jaden Kastianopolis and all those other characters in** _Deathly_ _Hallows_? Jo never wrote their stories; but I did. And now I will answer everyone's questions regardign those guys.

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This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**Whatever Happened to those characters Jacquel made up for her HP fanfiction stories??**

(_a random person is sitting at home reading Deathly Hallows __when he looks up and asks himself..._)

**Random person**: Hey, whatever happend to those other characters? (_at once, a wizard shows up_)

**Wizard**: What other characters?

**Random person**: Those other characters in _Harry Potter_ that we don't know about?

**Wizard**: What other characters?

**Random person**: You know, Jacquel, Julia, Stacey, Jaden, Aslan; those characters!

**Wizard**: Oh, I see! Those characters! What about them?

**Random person**: Jo already told us about what happened to practically everyone in _Harry Potter_, but she never told us what happened to _those_ people.

**Wizard**: I see. And what do you want to know about them?

**Random person**: Everything! Like what happened to them after Deathly Hallows and if they got married and had children and if any of their children went to Hogwarts with Harry and Ron's children.

**Wizard**: Oh that? Well, I'll tell you, but you won't like it.

**Random person**: Ok, then. Whatever happened to Jaden?

**Wizard**: After the Battle of Hogwarts, Jaden went to live in Leeds. Unfortunately he lucked out when he married Marya Griswold and they had twin daughters Janeen and Staciana.

**Random person**: Ouch, that's harsh. Whatever happened to Jonathan?

**Wizard**: After the Battle of Hogwarts, Jonathan helped rebuild the school and went to live in Hogsmeade.

**Random person**: Did he ever get married?

**Wizard**: No, he never did marry, nor did his brother Adrian, but they did have children named Jennifer, Schulyer, Michael, Nichollo, and Diana.

**Random person**: But who had who?

**Wizard**: Jonathan had Michael and Diana, and Adrian had Jennifer, Schulyer and Nichollo.

**Random person**: All right, then. Whatever happened to Jacobine?

**Wizard**: Jacobine turned her back on the wizarding world and married Dudley...

**Random person**: WHAT?? SHE MARRIED _HIM_?? AND THEY HAVE SIX KIDS??

**Wizard**: Yes; none of them were magic, which surprised Jacobine; but she is now pregnant with her 7th child; that child is magic.

**Random person**: Hah! The fat bastard gets what he deserves! Anyway, whatever happened to Stacey?

**Wizard**: Stacey was killed during the Battle of Hogwarts.

**Random person**: How sad! He left little James as an orphan! Poor little guy...

**Wizard**: Don't feel too bad for James. He grew up with Harry, married Shara Kroger and had Saiorse and Dylan.

**Random person**: That makes me feel a whole lot better. Whatever happened to Aslan?

**Wizard**: She died untimely at the age of 22 after giving birth to her daughter, Melissa. Melissa went to live with Briana and Gabriel.

**Random person**: Poor Aslan; she never got to marry the boy she wanted. Who was the baby's father?

**Wizard**: She never revealed the name of Melissa's father.

**Random person**: I can't believe she pulled an Irene Romanov! Anyway, whatever happened to Marya?

**Wizard**: She was found out to be Gwendolyn Luvannokitch. She dropped out of Hogwarts and went to Spellmans. She later married Jaden.

**Random person**: How sad; she never got over being called a "_bad girl_." Whatever happened to Marty?

**Wizard**: He grew up, but he never forgave his grandparents Matthew and Emily for rejecting him. Marty also lucked out when he married Annilee Prince, the only surviving sibling of Serena/Stephanie, Rachel/Chelsee, Darla/Laurie, and Alec/Dante Prince, all who were killed during the final battle.

**Random person**: What?? He was suspossed to marry Rachel! Anyway, whatever happened to Adair, Lidie, and Seamus?

**Wizard**: After their father's death and their mother's deportation, Adair, Lidie and Seamus continued at Hogwarts until they all graduated and remained in Scotland. All 3 have gotten married and have children.

**Random person**: Whatever happened to Briana, Denver, and Jillian

**Wizard**: Briana married Gabriel and had Sam, Sarah, and Tobias II. Denver moved to Wales; and Jillian went to Windsor.

**Random person**: Interesting. Whatever happened to little Ernest?

**Wizard**: He later became a world-famous artist.

**Random person**: Did he ever get married?

**Wizard**: Well, he has 3 daughters Bellatrix, Griselda, and Merope, but he never revealed who their mother was.

**Random person**: Ok, then. Now, what happened to the Mullers?

**Wizard**: They were all raised by Hagrid, and they continue to live in Hogsmeade to this day.

**Random person**: But didn't they go back or something like that?

**Wizard**: No, for once they were sent to 1997, they couldn't go back to 1917 because then it would screw up the time-space continuum and we can't have that. So they had to grow up and raise their families in our time.

**Random person**: Ok then...what happened to Nicholette and Armany?

**Wizard**: They continued to live in Hogwarts until Nicholette graduated and moved back to thier hometown.

**Random person**: Odd; I was hoping they'd die or something like that, just like their siblings; they're all a bunch of sick bastards. Anyway, whatever happened to Robbie and his siblings?

**Wizard**: Robbie and the others went to live with Jadis (since she didn't trust Petunia) and Molly went to Hogwarts when she turned 11.

**Random person**: I'm disappointed that Jadis pushed Petunia away from her instead of welcomng her back. Anyway, whatever happened to Juniper, Ian, and Veronica?

**Wizard**: Jadis raised them as well; she wasn't about to let Petunia see her children again.

**Random person**: Well, Petunia got what she deserved. Anyway, whatever happened to Jamie Lynn?

**Wizard**: Jamie Lynn went into the Ministry and founded the Jacquel Romanov Foundation, which takes orphans away from abusive homes and places them in boarding schools.

**Random person**: Ok then. I see she's trying to prevent another "_Jacquel Romanov_" from coming. Whatever happened to Quinston and Caspian?

**Wizard**: They continued to live with Seamus until his death; then they became stage actors, as Sean had been.

**Random person**: So the boys decided to continue the Black family acting dynasty.

**Wizard**: They and their children, too; Adair, Lidie, and Seamus had no interest in acting.

**Random person**: That's too bad for them! Anyway, whatever happened to Roxanne and Walter?

**Wizard**: They continued to stay involved in the wizarding world's affairs, as also Sabrina and Michael.

**Random person**: So, whatever happened to Magnus?

**Wizard**: Magnus lucked out when Jacquel decided to marry Fred; he married Miranda Gatzer and had twins Revalie and Roscoe.

**Random person**: Awwwww, it's too bad about Maggie; he and Jacquel would have made such a cute couple! They and Henry and Shara and Seth and Heath would have made a great family! Now I **REALLY** hate J. K. Rowling! Anyway, whatever happened to the children?

**Wizard**: They all grew up and went to school with little James. Shara eventually marries James.

**Random person**: Wow. That's all I can say. So, whatever happened to Julia?

**Wizard**: Julia never recovered from experiencing Jacquel's death. As you may have heard, Julia married George and had Jared, but she went insane and died soon after her daughter's birth.

**Random person**: How sad she never got any better. And now for my final question: so what really happened to Jacquel Romanov?

**Wizard**: Break out the tissues, people, because here comes the most heartbreaking news that you'll ever hear in life. Jacquel Romanov was killed during the Battle of Hogwarts.

**Random person**: Oh my God! Jacquel really is dead!

**Audience**: (_crying_)

**Random person**: But how? What happened?

**Wizard**: Jacquel was fighting in the battle with a group of other students when a wizard sent a death spell at them. They all died immediately, Jacquel included.

**Audience**: (_crying_)

**Random person**: Didn't Jacquel get married and have children or something like that?

**Wizard**: Well, she had married Fred Weasley and the had 3 children, all triplets as you may have heard. But when she and Fred died, their baby son (_named Paul even though Jacquel was aginst the name; she wanted to name him Michael_) also died, leaving behind daughters Hadassah Irene and Susannah Amelia. Is that what you want to know? (_random_ _person has ran out of questions_) So there you have it folks, the truth behind what happened to those other characters in _Deathly Hallows_...(_Suddenly the music grinds to a screeching halt and Fred, George, and Jacquel show up. They are very angry with the wizard for making up lies about their friends_.)

**Fred**: Hey! What the hell are you idiots doing listeing to those people? They don't know jack schitt about us!

**George**: Yeah! And _Deathly Hallows_ was just a stupid book! We have the REAL results here!

**Fred**: And here's what happened: all the kids mentionend here grew up and changed both the wizarding and muggle worlds.

**George**: And Fred and I run a chain of joke shops.

**Jacquel**: And I still live in my house on Fleet Street.

**Wizard**: Excuse me, but I think you three are wrong. J. K. Rowling wrote this story; it's canon and canon means it's true.

**Jacquel**: Hello, did you read the last chapter? The last book was a joke!

**George**: And besides, after reading it, 99 percent of the world population chose Fanfiction over canon.

**Fred**: And besides, canon is more like guidelines than actual rules.

**Wizard**: Are you implying that I'm stupid?

**Fred**: Yes you are. GET HIM!! (_he, George, and Jacquel beat the crap out of the wizard_)

* * *

Ok, so we'll never know what happened to those guys in _Deathly Hallows_, but we got one more question to ask ourselves: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**??

That's all for _Deathly Hallows_! Now Back to the fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _Harry Potter_** Uncut**

review and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	20. Harry Potter Uncut

**Claire**: It's my 4th show since I changed my name to Claire Violet Thorpe. And this time, I'll be doing _Harry Potter Uncut_, which means Harry will be doing something out of the ordinary. This is a 7-part series that I've planned for this story. Here we go!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**Harry Potter Uncut**

(_Harry is at a huge dinner party where he takes the microphone when no one else is looking..._)

Note: this is to the tune of Weird Al's Bimbo #5, which is a spoof of Lou Bega's Mambo #5

**Harry**: Ladies and gentlemen, where is Witch-Princess #5? Are you ready to do it one more time?

(_music begins_)

1, 2, 3, 4, 9 / everybody on my broom, let's go for a ride up/to Hogwarts, Jacquel and her friends wanna roll with me Harry Potter but we really don't wanna / get killed like we did last year / I'm finding me a sexy girl with a cute little rear / I have Hermione, Parvati, Lavender, and Cho / Hannah, Susan, Luna, and many other girls in between / but for now I'm chasing after Jacquel Carey / while I ride horses nude up in New York / and if she shows up, I will ride up to her and jump her and then make out with her!

CHORUS: A little bit of Chloe on the dance floor / a little bit of Maddy at the door / a little bit of Treasure in the pool / Ginny shows up, now I'm dead! WITCH-PRINCESS #5! YEAH!!!

Put a t-shirt on and get up on the horse / let's ride around without a care in the world / I'll tease you and you'll tease me / and if I misbehave, would you not zap me, please / open up Deathly Hallows / and here's a big surprise / Joanne was wrong / because it all sounds like this:

CHORUS: Ohhhhh, Jacquel Romanov went away / but maybe Jacinth can hang out with me / a little bit of Becky for tea and cookies / if only Ginny wasn't such a fangirl...WITCH-PRINCESS #5! YEAH!!!(noticing girls from _Charlie Bone_) Oh what's this? More girls wanna hang out with me? OK! (walks up to them)

**Harry**: Say, girls, have any of you ever been involved in a controversial book ending?

**Olivia**: No way!

**Emma**: I'd mess them up real good.

**Olivia**: Is it true that you really defeated the Dark Lord with your scar?

**Harry**: Of course I did!

**Emma**: Can we see it? (_Harry shows them his scar, girls squeal_)

**Harry**: (_to himself_) Note to self: _transfer to their school_.

CHORUS: A little bit of Violet in the lab / a little bit of Abigail who lives next door / Candy Cane is in my backyard / Ginny shows up, now I'm dead!

**Harry**: Oh, I really do love New York! I hope you all consider watching "_Twilight_" the movie, because I need a serious vacation from this Harry Potter thing that you all want me to do! OK?

* * *

**Harry Potter has clearly let **_Equus_ **get to his head**!

1. Did you really think Harry actually wanted to marry Ginny? Not if he could help it!

2. All the girls he mentioned in this song are all the girls he could have married. But NOT Jacquel Romanov, for several reasons that we can't mention.

3. Harry's fantasy girl is a girl who'd love him for who he is, not his fame; even if he were to ride a horse nude on Broadway.

4. Olivia Vertigo and Emma Tolly are from the Children of the Red King series; in several stories, Harry actually hangs out with them and Charlie Bone.

5. And aren't you sick and tired of those Harry/Ginny fanfics?

Well, we have one more thing to say: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**??

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: **McCain or Obama: the Wizards Decide**

review and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	21. The 2008 Vote

**Claire**: It's been 5 episodes since I stopped being Pink Royale and became Claire Violet Thorpe. And now, since elections are up in the USA, we'll be asking ourselves who we are going to vote for come November 4, 2008.

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Also, the writer of this story is not endorsing either political candidate and will keep who she's voting for private until the winner has been decided.

* * *

**The 2008 Vote**

**McCain or Obama: the Wizards Decide**

Note: I got this idea from a story I read on TheOneRing. net called **The 2000 Vote: Gandalf or Saruman?**, in which various people in LOTR were asked if they were going to vote for either Gandalf or Saruman. But this time, an American reporter has traveled to the Wizarding World and he is asking many wizards who they would vote for. And none of them are American to begin with.

_Thank you for making Wizardline the number 1 source for late night news!_

**Rosa Reyes**: Hello, and welcome to yet exciting newscast. My name is Rosa Reyes...

**Carlos Dunston**: And I'm Carlos Dunston...

**Rosa**: And we're just less than 24 hours away from what would be the most exciting day in 2008...ELECTION DAY!!! (people cheer) And on this day, people in America are going to decide who their next president would be...

**Carlos**: Will they vote for John McCain, the war hero who spent 6 years of his life in a POW camp in Vietnam; or will they chance it and vote for Barack Obama, a new guy who may have the solutions we need to solve the many peoblems that lpauge our great nation?

**Rosa**: But what of everyone else, who have very much made their decision based on who they like?

**Carlos**: And what about people in other countries who want to see the results of this historically exciting election? Sure they can't vote, but they are excited all the same.

**Rosa**: We now go live to London where our roving reporter Germaine Gerand is talking to the local wizarding citizens who they would vote for...(_camera turns to Germaine, who is standing outside in London, talking to various people_)

**Germaine**: Thank you, Rosa and Carlos. My name is Germaine Gerand and I'm live in London asking various wizards who they would vote for...(to Kingsley) Who would you vote for?

**Kinglsey**: Obama. He seems to be an all together kind of guy.

**Germaine**: Why not McCain?

**Kingsley**: I don't like him. He seems...(he leaves)

**Germaine**: One vote for Obama, none for McCain. Who's next? (to Jacquel) Hello, young lady. Who are you voting for?

**Jacquel**: Obama.

**Germaine**: She's part of the younger generation, folks, and she thinks Obama can succeed.

**Jacquel**: Damn straight!

**Germaine**: Why can't we get someone to vote for McCain???

**Vernon**: I'll do it!

**Germaine**: All right, sir! But in the last 5 seconds, 47 other people picked Obama.

**Dudley**: I like the cool guy.

**Vernon**: But what about McCain?

**Dudley**: No, he's too old!

**Harry**: He'll mess us all up like Bush did!

**Vernon**: Since when did you have something to say?

**Harry**: Since I just voted for Obama. The black guy rules!

**Vernon**: You stupid boy, you were suspossed to vote for McCain!

**Petunia**: I did.

**Germaine**: A family divided because of the election! But another family is united...

**Molly**: For Obama. He supports working families and the kids all like him.

**Arthur**: McCain who???

**Germaine**: What do you kids have to say about this?

**Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred, George, Ron, & Ginny**: We all say Obama's great!

**Germaine**: Grrrr!!!! Nobody seems to like McCain!

**Sirius**: Obama seems to be a fresh fish out of water and we need guys like him. Right, girls?

**Julia, Jacobine, & Jamie Lynn**: Right!

**Stacey**: What? A black guy is running for president? I'm voting for him!

**Snape**: Stacey just has to vote for the black guy, doesn't he?

**Gabriel**: I'm voting for him too!

**Amber**: Vote for McCain, I'll show you pain!

**Vernon**: And what about that Sarah Palin?

**Jacquel**: HER?! She's nothing but an airhead! Michelle has her head set firmly on her shoulders!

**Germaine**: WILL NO ONE VOTE FOR MCCAIN???

**Lucius**: Sure, I'll vote for him...NOT!!!

**Bellatrix**: I like the Obama guy.

**Wormtail**: He'd ban gay marriages, haha to you, Barty!

**Barty**: Yeah yeah.

**Wormtail**: I'll vote for McCain...

**Voldemort**: Wormtail??? You better vote for Obama before I kick your butt!

**Wormtail**: Yes, master.

**Germaine**: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??? DOES NO ONE HERE LIKE JOHN MCCAIN!?

**Sean**: I and the Black Knights of London support, endorse, and will vote for Barack Obama.

**Solomon**: I sent him a basket full of hoagies to eat.

**Jadis**: I like Obama. He's fresh and full of good ideas and McCain is just a Bush clone.

**Mel**: We don't need another Bush copycat; we want change. And Obama represents change.

**Germaine**: WHY CAN'T MCCAIN GET ANY LOVE???

**Moody**: NEVER-CEASING VIGILANCE WHEN YOU VOTE, RICHARD!!! Vote for McCain!

**Richard**: I'm voting for Obama, just so you'll know.

**Tonks**: At least no one's paying any attention to my God-awful first name. I'll vote for Obama.

**Germaine**: Will no one vote for McCain???!!!

**Limpett**: Uh sorry. I like the guy, but I hate his ppolicies. And that Sarah Palin is even dumber than Paris Hilton.

**Germaine**: I thought you hated white people.

**Limpett**: True, but I can't help but wonder why someone who isn't even an American is running for president.

**Wormtail**: Hey, didn't we kill you back in chapter 2?

**Limpett**: Well, yes you did. But I came back just to tell everyone to vote for a real black guy...ME!!!

**Stacey**: Oh shut up, you stupid bastard! You're just a racist white person and you know it!

**Jaden**: And we hate people like you! You have no place in America with that kind of attitude, let alone the White House.

**Jacquel**: (_grabbing a megaphone_) ATTENTION ALL WIZARDS: VOTE FOR BARACK OBAMA! CHANGE AMERICA! MAKE AMERICA MAKE HISTORY! How's that, Mr. News Reporter?

**Germaine**: Oh never mind! And that's how it goes when you ask British wizards who they would vote for. This is Germaine Gerand reporting live from London, England for _Wizardline_. Now back to you, Rosa.

**Rosa**: And that's all the time we have for today! I'm Rosa Reyes.

**Carlos**: And I'm Carlos Dunston.

**Both**: And you have been watching _Wizardline_. Tune in tomorrow for the life and times of Harry Potter. Goodnight.

**

* * *

**

To all Americans reading this story: GET OUT AND VOTE!!!

And before you vote, I have one more thing to say: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**??

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: **What Would You do for an Oreo?**

I'm going to be super busy for a whole month, because the month is November and it's NaNoWriMo! I am currently participating in it and trying to write an original story in 30 days, so I may not be able to update any of my stories for a while. I suggest that you all put me on alert so when I do update, you'll be the first to know.

Also, I have gotten a FictionPress account and uploaded some of my original fiction stories. My name is still Claire Violet Thorpe so you people won't get confused. So come to my new profile (http://www. fictionpress. com/u/637195/) and check out some of my non fanfiction stories.

Review and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	22. What Would You do for an Oreo?

**Claire**: It's been 6 episodes since I stopped being **Pink Royale** and became **Claire Violet Thorpe**. And now, before we do anything else, I'm going to tell every the results of the election, which happened in the USA, on November 4, 2008.

And the results are as follows: We had two choices, John McCain and Barack Obama. But on November 4, we went to the polls and voted. And here it is: OBAMA WON, Y'ALL!! THANKS TO ALL OF US AMERICANS, HE'S GOING TO THE WHITE HOUSE!! WE MADE IT HAPPEN!!

So in short, congradulations to our newest president Barack Obama!!!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**What Would You do for an Oreo?**

_Here's some of the craziest things that people would do just to get a delicious Oreo cookie. So what would you do for an Oreo?_

**Fred**: We'd prank Snape!  
**George**: We already do that! (_Snape screams as he wakes up wearing a pink dress_)  
**Fred**: So hand over the Oreo or we'll prank you!

**Hermione**: I wouldn't do my homework at all.  
**Ron**: You're kidding, right?  
**Hermione**: For an Oreo, I would. Now fork it over!

**Quirrell**: I'd sell my soul to the Dark Lord just to get one! (_blank stares from the other teachers_)  
**Dumbledore**: NAKED TIME!!! (_goofy music plays; he rips off his robes. teachers flee_)

**Snape**: (_walks into McGonagall's class and kisses her_) Ok, I kissed McGonagall! Now where's my damn Oreo? (_McGonagall slaps him_)  
**Kids**: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

**Dumbledore**: I'd stop eating candy!  
**McGonagall**: Yeah right!  
**Dumbledore**: I'll eat prunes!  
**McGonagall**: Oh, you're hopeless, Albus! (_Dumbledore eats the Oreo_)

**Harry**: Lupin's kind of crabby ain't he? Must be his "_time of the month_" again! (_everyone laughs_)  
**Lupin**: Harry, could you not do that?  
**Harry**: Oh my God, he's PMSing! (_everyone laughs even louder_)  
**Lupin**: Harry, detention! (_Harry frowns, but sees an Oreo and eats it_)

**Filch** is forced to be nice to everyone, but he fails and doesn't get the Oreo.

**Jacquel** usually ignores Nelena, but today she does this: "You keep going around telling me to "_go away and die_". So why don't YOU go away and die yourself and leave me alone?" Everyone laughs and Nelena cries. Jacquel finds an Oreo and eats in. Nelena is later found hung in the Slytherin common room.

**Ron**: I'd ignore Hermione! (_Hermione tries talking to him, but when she gets mad and Ron doesn't speak to her, she slaps him. Ron sees and Oreo and eats it_) YAY!!!

**Neville**: I'd stop being such a scaredy-cat all the time. (_he spend the day standing up to people who make fun of him. Finally, he punches Malfoy across his face for making fun of him_) I mean it, Malfoy! Stop bothering me or else! (_Neville gets the Oreo and eats it_)

**Malfoy** is forced to be nice to Harry and after defending Harry against Filch, he spots an Oreo and eats it.

**Hagrid**: I'll start a stuffed animal collection! (_everyone laughs. Later on, they are all shocked when they see that Hagrid has a shelf full of beanie babies and is eating a giant-sized Oreo_)

**Cedric** steals the Goblet of Fire instead of dying, then says, "Sorry guys, but I'm not winning the tournament; the only prize I get is this Oreo (_which he eats_) and Harry too!" Then he takes Harry and runs away to Forks, Washington.

**Sirius**: I'd make out with Remus. Oh yeah, that's right; I'd do that anyway. So give me that Oreo! (_Later_ _on, Harry catches Sirius and Lupin improperly sharing the Oreo in the Shrieking Shack_)

**Lupin**: I'd admit that I am Jacquel's father.  
**Sirius**: Remus, NO! (_Lupin eats an Oreo_)  
**Lupin**: But it's true! (_Jacquel walks in_)  
**Jacquel**: Ok, now what's this about Lupin being my father? (_both wizards stare at her uneasily_)

**McGonagall**: I'd put that Umbridge woman in her place! (_before long, Umbridge shows up and they have a shouting match. Minerva wins and gets the Oreo_)

**Percy**: I'd quit being so strict!  
**Jacquel**: Uh, you're kidding, right? And what's next? We hook up in a fanfiction story? (_Percy eats the Oreo_)  
**Percy**: Uh, yeah.

**Kingsley**: I'd acutally get something done in the Ministry! (_Later on, Fudge is upset ot hear that he's out of a job. He goes to Kingsley demanding an explaination, only to find him sitting in HIS chair eating an Oreo_)

**Tonks**: I'd quit going ballistic everytime someone calls me "_Nymphadora_"!  
**Lupin**: WHAT???? (_Tonks eats the Oreo_)

**Moody**: I'd join my son's group!  
**Kingsley**: You must be kidding!  
**Tonks**: The Knights aren't too big on your "never-ceasing vigilance" speech!  
**Moody**: (_eating the Oreo_) Yes, they would.

* * *

**Is the Oreo worth all the chaos?**

1. The twins would do ANYTHING for an Oreo!

2. Hermione is usually a bookworm, but you'd think she'd seriously give up books for cookies?

3. Quirrell isn't as bad as you thought he was.

4. 1,000 fanfiction stories have been written with the pairing Snape/McGonagall.

5. Dumbledore seriously needs to stop eating candy!

6. Who knew that Harry could be such a troublemaker?

7. Did you think Filch would get the Oreo? Not on your life!

8. Sadly, this isn't the Jacquel you know and love.

9. Ron sometimes needs ot not be around Hermione, even if she gets mad and slaps him.

10. Neville FINALLY stands up in _Deathly Hallows_!

11. Malfoy needs to start being nice to Harry and his friends.

12. Didn't you think Hagrid's beanie baby collection was a bit too much?

13. Let's get this straight: Cedric dies as a wizard and later gets revived as a vampire???

14. Don't you just LOVE those Sirius/Remus fanfics?

15. Poor Jacquel still doesn't know that Lupin is her father!

16. Don't you wish that McGonagall had put Umbridge in her place?

17. Percy needs to loosen up sometimes.

18. Everyone knows that Kingley would _actually_ get stuff done in the Ministry.

19. Tonks needs to stop getting mad even her first name is called.

20. Moody sometimes acts like an old soldier and Richard is embarrassed to even be around him.

That's what people would do to get an Oreo; I still have more to go! And before we eat the Oreos, I have one more question for you: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: **Voldemort loses his mind-completely**!

NaNoWriMo has ended, and I ended up with 54,090 words, which is more than any of my fanfiction stories put together! And now that it's over, I can get back to more fanfiction!

Also, I have gotten a FictionPress account and uploaded some of my original fiction stories. My name is still Claire Violet Thorpe so you people won't get confused. So come to my new profile (http://www. fictionpress. com/u/637195/) and check out some of my non fanfiction stories.

Review and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	23. Voldemort loses his mindcompletely!

**Claire**: It's been 7 episodes since I stopped being Pink Royale and became Claire Violet Thorpe. And now, we shall see Voldemort having a major mid-life crisis and evaluating himself after some certain events happened to him...namely children.

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**Voldemort loses his mind-completely!**

_The Dark Lord is now going through a mid-life crisis, due to his series coming to an end on BOTH film and in the books; what shall he do with himself?_

**Claire**: _We now present to you 3 tales of what happened during Voldemort's mid-life crisis. First one up is his reaction to the "__Twilight__" craze that's sweeping the nation…_

**Voldemort**: My entire life sucks. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything.

**Bellatrix**: Oh but you have, Master. You're like the #1 villain of all time, next to Darth Vader and the Wicked Witch of the West.

**Voldemort**: But now that we're almost done, I mean, just look at us, Bellatrix. One minute, we're popular and everyone loves us…

**Bellatrix**: More like _hated us_, if you know what I mean.

**Voldemort**: And now we've been replaced by vampires. What the hell is "_Twilight_" and why the hell are teenaged girls reading it?

**Wormtail**: See for yourself. (_he is seen reading Twilight_)

**Voldemort**: Et tu, Wormtail? Uuuuuggggghhhhh! What the hell is up with this "Twilight"?

**Wormtail**: It's about this girl who moves to some rainy little town in Washington state and she meets a cute boy who's really a vampire and stuff like that. It's a good book, really.

**Bellatrix**: I guess I'll go read it then. (_she goes off to read __Twilght_)

**Voldemort**: What??? Bellatrix too??? Wormtail, you'd better have a good reason for this!

**Wormtail**: How should I know she wanted to read it? Ask the girls. They'll tell you everything you need to know about "_Twilight_".

**Voldemort**: Fine! (_he goes and finds Corrie Anne, Chloe, Maddy, and Treasure all sitting around reading "Twilight"_) And why are you girls reading it?

**Maddy**: I love this book. It's got romance and passion in it.

**Chloe**: And forbidden love.

**Treasure**: And vampires.

**Corrie Anne**: And all kinds of stuff Harry Potter doesn't even have. I wish I were Bella.

**Chloe**: Me too.

**Treasure**: I want a boyfriend who's a vampire.

**Maddy**: I wish I had Jacob Black. (_the other girls stare at her_) What? I like Jacob!

**Chloe**: Why would you like him? He's a jerk!

**Treasure**: I like Edward better.

**Maddy**: (_rips off her shirt, showing a Team Jacob shirt_) Team Jacob!

**Treasure & Chloe**: (_rips off their shirts, showing Team Edward shirts_) Team Edward!

**Corrie** **Anne**: (_rips off her shirt, showing a Team Switzerland shirt_) Team Switzerland! (_they all stare at her_) What? I don't like to get involved in these kinds of debates!

**Voldemort**: Whatever. Now can you girls please tell me why you love "_Twilight_" so much?

**Treasure**: Because _Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows_ was such a major letdown; 2, _Half-Blood Prince_ bailed on us in theaters, and #3, I just realized that we girls needed to stop texting our friends and read more.

**Voldemort**: I see. But I won't read the book.

**Girls**: Suit yourself. (_they go back to reading "Twilight"_)

**Claire**: _And if you thought that was funny, just you wait until the next episode, when Voldemort is training the children to…you know…wreak havoc on muggles_…

**Voldemort**: Ok kiddies, now comes the time where you must learn to zap muggles and mudbloods, intimidate half-bloods, and reprimand blood-traitors.

**Treasure**: But isn't that promoting racism and discrimination and possible genocide?

**Voldemort**: Perhaps.

**Bartok**: But why do it?

**Voldemort**: Because it's so much fun! (_kids stare at him_) Oh right. Suppose I am just being retarded, as usual.

**Maddy**: Right you are. And from now on, you will all refer to me by the name Sara Lee. (_they all stare at her_)

**Addison**: But why would you want to change your name?

**Sara Lee**: Well, if Treasure can change her name at will, so can I. So there.

**Voldemort**: So what is the first thing we do when we approach a muggle, _she-who-until-five-seconds-ago-was-known-as-Maddy_?

**Treasure**: I never changed my first name, just my last name. And we'd kind of scare him off first.

**Voldemort**: That is correct.

**Sara Lee**: So let me get this straight: you're known as _Treasure Desiree Spartan Dara Lightfoot Reuel Tolkien_?

**Treasure**: Exactly.

**Tyler**: Are you having some kind of identity crisis?

**Treasure**: Well, first off, I'd take out the Lightfoot; it was my stepfather's name and his family hates me, and then I'd put in two more names. So I'd technically be _Treasure Desiree Spartan Dara Cunningham Reuel Tolkien Cullen_.

**Voldemort**: Anyone else wanting to explain your names?

**Slade**: Well, people just call me Slade; I don't know my real name and stuff like that.

**Ivy**: Ivy a girl's name, don't ask.

**Bartok**: My mom was on crack when she named me.

**Addison**: What about you? Don't you have an ultra cool name?

**Voldemort**: No; I'm just Lord Voldemort.

**Chloe**: Surely you don't have another name that you answer to?

**Voldemort**: No! Now drop it and leave it alone!

**Corrie Anne**: C'mon, we all know you haven't always been called Voldemort.

**Ivy**: And besides, we've already told you our names.

**Treasure**: Now out with it, what was your name?

**Voldemort**: Fine! My name was Tom Marvolo Riddle. (_kids start laughing_) See? I told you it would be completely useless telling you about my muggle name!

**Bellatrix**: You're doing the right thing, Master. The kids don't want smoke and mirrors; they can go to Vegas for that. No, they expect honesty, which is something they never got in their stories.

**Voldemort**: What am I doing? I'm letting these children get to me! I'm supposed to be the Dark Lord, not some fun-loving Disney character!

**Lucius**: Maybe you shouldn't have taken those children out of their stories.

**Voldemort**: Shut the hell up, you pompous bastard!

**Claire**: _Man was that crazy! But that's nothing compared to what would await the Dark Lord as he now tries to get the kids to actually torture a muggle…_

**Voldemort**: Ok kiddies, we're now at a muggle's house. Watch and learn how to torture a muggle. (_he breaks into the house_)

**Petunia**: Who's there? (_just then she sees the Dark Lord_) You're _him_, aren't you? You murdered my sister!

**Voldemort**: Please! You never even cared about her anyway! I'm taking you with me! (_he snatches Petunia and takes her to the children. There, he sees them talking to a very small boy_)

**Very Small Boy**: Hello, my name is Alexander and I wish to join you.

**Voldemort**: Very good, kids, you actually got someone to join us, which is actually not today's lesson. But anyway, I've captured a muggle and now you will torture her.

**Bartok**: So what's your name?

**Petunia**: Petunia Dursley. (_kids burst out laughing_) That's not funny! How would you feel if _I_ made fun of your names?

**Alexander**: You make fun of me all the time.

**Ivy**: You are exactly how I'd imagine a woman named Petunia would look like! So there! (_kids laugh again_)

**Petunia**: Make them stop!

**Voldemort**: Why should I? They've gotten their own way of torturing muggles, methinks. Children! (_they all look at him_) Next part of the lesson: remind her of how pathetic she is compared to her dear sister Lily!

**Treasure**: Why would we need to do anything like that? Anyone can tell that lilies are more beautiful than petunias. (_kids laugh again_)

**Petunia**: That was insulting!

**Voldemort**: Aren't they great? Final part of the lesson: make her wish she was dead!

**Bartok**: You're kidding, right? Her mother should have aborted her! (_this time, complete and utter silence_)

**Voldemort**: What happened, kids? Why aren't you all laughing?

**Treasure**: Because abortion is both morally wrong and horrible. Abortion means to kill an innocent baby before it's born. It's just evil.

**Voldemort**: Meaning…

**Slade**: What if _your_ mom aborted _you_?

**Voldemort**: I guess I'd never be born to begin with, thus adverting a thousand griefs I inflicted upon the wizard and muggle worlds.

**Tyler**: See? Life is so much better when every baby is born, be they good or evil, and each baby is allowed to grow up in the world.

**Addison**: Here's how I see it: abortion means a child will never be born, they'll never learn to walk, talk or see the world; they'll never get to taste the pleasures of food nor experience the joys of living.

**Sara Lee**: Wow, Addie. I never thought about that.

**Voldemort**: And that's why…(_he sees Petunia trying to sneak back into her house_) Dammit! I was so distracted hearing you kids talk about morals and good things I failed to see that our quarry is getting away!

**Ivy**: She won't get too far! (_just then, Petunia is caught in a trap set by Ivy and Chloe_)

**Treasure**: Seems like ivy and chloe beats out petunias hmmm? (_kids laugh_)

**Petunia**: It's not fair!

**Voldemort**: Life's not fair, isn't it? Well, let's take her and leave! (_they all return to headquarters_)

**Bellatrix**: What's _she_ doing here?

**Voldemort**: I've captured her and I'm going to use her to lure out the Potter boy so I can kill him!

**Snape**: You do know he cares nothing for this wrench?

**Voldemort**: Really? Very well then; take her to the dungeons! (_Death Eaters take a screaming Petunia to the dungeons_) Very good children, even if your methods are a bit…unorthodox. But as for you Bartok, as punishment for suggesting that women should get an abortion, you will be scrubbing the floors for 5 months! (_Bartok is taken away_) And as for little Alexander, we're all glad you joined us.

**Snape**: Yay, yet another brat joins us. Woo hoo. Let's welcome him with a song. (_Wormtail comes out singing Rick Astley's _**Never Gonna Give You Up**)

**Voldemort**: What the hell? Wormtail can _sing_?!

**Chloe**: He can dance as well!

**Wormtail**: (_singing_) _We're no strangers to love / You know the rules and so do I / A full commitment's what I'm thinking of / You wouldn't get this from any other guy / I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling / Gotta make you understand_

**Wormtail & random Death Eaters**: _Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down / Never gonna run around and desert you / Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye / Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you…_

**Voldemort**: Hey! What the hell's going on here?

**Wormtail**: Oh this? Well…I kind of have something to tell you…

**Voldemort**: What?

**Everyone**: You've been Rickroll'd!!! (_song continues playing and everyone dances. Voldemort frowns to himself_)

**Voldemort**: Severus, Lucius, you were right!

**Snape**: We sure as hell were, weren't we, Luce?

**Lucius**: Of course. You never should have kidnapped those children and brainwashed them into your evil ideals.

**Snape**: And what about Draco?

**Lucius**: Completely different! Those children have now destroyed the final shred of badness that you have left in you!

**Voldemort**: Oh, *_really_*? Then get a load of this! (_he shows them a video of the kids torturing Petunia_)

**Snape**: Wow. I stand corrected.

**Lucius**: Me too.

**Voldemort**: I'll never be good! In fact, I'm badder than ever! And with the kids' ability to make fun of a person, I'll be back to my old self in an instant! Mwahahahahahahahaha!

**Lucius**: I still say he's gone nutters!

* * *

Hah! Turns out Old Voldie is just a big wimp!

1. Tom Marvolo Riddle really was his birth name. He just stopped using it after his 16th year, methinks.

2. If you think he's upset because the Harry Potter series got upstaged by Twilight, just wait until he discovers the growing number of fanfics crossing Harry Potter and Twilight.

3. Treasure couldn't have been more right when she made her claims. So guys, instead of texting your friends, READ A BOOK!!!

4. Also, Treasure sticks names onto her own name in this order: Treasure (given name...it's really her given name) Desiree (middle name) Spartan (mother's maiden name) Dara (father's family name) Cunningham (last name of Treasure's boyfriend Sean Cunningham) Reuel Tolkien (when she joined with the Tolkien culb in high school; part of the name of John Ronald Reuel Tolkien, who created Middle Earth and Lord of the Rings and everything that went along with it) Cullen (of course most girls dream of marrying Edward Cullen, so why shouldn't she be excempt?). Let's all hope she doesn't decide to tack another name to this exhaustive list of names, shall we?  
5. Say it with me: Petunia needs to get what's coming to her…

6. And plus, never say abortion in a joke because it's not funny at all. It's sad.

7. Rickroll'd: to prank someone by posting a link that appears relevant to a certain topic. When clicked, the link takes the intended target to a video featuring Rick Astley's song "Never Gonna Give You Up". This prank has since swept the country and many people have since been "Rickroll'd".

8. The lyrics to Never Gonna Give You Up came from . You can learn the words and then create a video of yourself singing the song and then send your song to someone and rickroll them.

9. Voldemort refuses to admit it, but this time, he has really gone off the deep end. He should now quit while he's still ahead.

Well, can't say Voldie's ever going to regain his standing as the ultimate bad guy, but I won't Rickroll you (yet) but I will ask you: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more bad fanfiction stories!!

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Next time: **Reactions to Deathly Hallows**!

Sorry for not updating; I've joined the Harry Potter/Twilight Express and am currently writing a story called "_Something Wicked This Way Comes_", which is about Harry meeting vampires in Forks and falling in love with one of them, namely Edward Cullen. Read it and you'll see why it's like the #1 story I've written in like ever!

I also have an adultfanfiction account for those of you who want the unedited version of my stories, and I'll be hopping along to post some there soon. My pen name is Claire Violet Thorpe and you can find the link there in my profile.

Review and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	24. Reactions to Deathly Hallows: The Gangst

**Claire**: It's been 8 episodes since I stopped being Pink Royale and became Claire Violet Thorpe. And now, we shall see how various characters reacted to the abomination known as _Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows_.

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This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13. Disclaimer: I own nothing!

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**Reactions to Deathly Hallows: The Gangsta Rap Edition**

(_everyone is at Hogwarts_)

**Jacquel**: So what did you think of _Deathly_ _Hallows_? And this time, no singing!

**All**: it sucked!

**Hermione**: I know! Damn that story was so predictable!

**Ron**: I hated it!

**Harry**: J. K. Rowling is such a b-tch for screwing us up like that!

**Stacey**: And that's why the world chose fanfiction over her piece of sh-t book!

**Julia**: Hey! Why don't we make this into a song?

**All**: Yeah!

**Jacquel**: Now just a minute, people; the last time we did that, it turned out to be some God-awful rendition of the _Bohemian Rhapsody_. Let's get our rears in gear and do something a bit more fun, now shall we?

**Harry**: But what if we wanted to make it up as another song?

**Jacquel**: Or how's about another gangster rap, you know, like what we had back in chapter 4 in the story? (_starts singing_) Ok, we are now boarding the SSS No Crap Allowed and we'z about to break it down to y'all what we really think about this abomination and crap that just screwed our lives over and stuff like that...(_everyone starts singing_)

**Harry**: the story is now over, and boy did it crap me out. I never thought Joanne would pull a stunt like that!

**Ron**: it was so predictable, I mean anyone and I mean anyone can write a book like that!

**Hermione**: I could of had Harry, yes it's true; but instead I had Ron and I'm very blue!

**Ginny**: No way, he's mine! Harry's all mine! No one else can have him, not even Jacquel!

**Jacquel**: He'll never be yours Gin, so why don't you go out with Neville? And besides I end up with either Fred or Magnus.

**Neville**: Uh ok, but I still kind of like Luna. I wish Joanne would have brought us together instead.

**Julia**: sadly you lucked out, you never got your chance. She shouldn't have destroyed the Neville/Luna romance.

**Stacey**: and just to show that we still have spite, yes we all still have some kind of bite…

**All**: we're all gonna sing about how bad it was...and switch our loyalties to _Twilight_, yo!

**Harry**: oh the beginning was cliché, oh God I wish it wasn't so damn lame!

**Jacquel**: why didn't she use my ideas; c'mon, y'all, I always have the best ideas for the book!

**Hermione**: yours was the best, but she went with hers instead; and she made you have a bun in the oven.

**Stacey**: but the middle was dumb, and quite absurd; and the witch killed me off along with that Colin Creevey.

**Harry**: I don't even LIKE camping, not even when the Dursleys took me, last time I went camping, I got a case of poison ivy.

**Ron**: and I would NEVER ever in life run out on my friends. I'd shoot myself first before ever doing that!

**Neville**: but then she made me out to be a badass, and I wish I'd taken out that stupid Bellatrix.

**Ron**: she made you kill a snake. A _snake_. A _SNAKE_! I'm with you, dude, you should have killed Bellatrix.

**Neville**: I should have killed Bellatrix, and yes it's true, but instead your mother did what I should have done.

**Fred**: I shouldn't have died, it was just so freaking wrong; I should have lived and married Angelina instead.

**George**: I shouldn't have lost my ear, that too was not cool. And I love Alicia, not Julia.

**Gabriel**: why did dad get bitten by a snake, why _why_ _WHY_?? That was so not cool!

**S****tacey**: that's just weird, not to mention mean; and being bitten by a snake was so not right.

**Gabriel**: he was your dad too, Stacey, but you were too cool to admit it. You lied about it and you got what you deserved.

**Stacey**: yeah, you could have told me that before Joanne killed me. But that would like totally wreck those Snape/Lily shippers.

**Tonks**: then the bitch had to nerve to say I got pregnant and killed me and my dad and Remus and Jacquel and I didn't even get a death scene and Teddy became an orphan?? Where the hell did she even get the idea anyway? Stephenie Meyer wouldn't pull a trick like that at all!

**Jacquel**: She gives me a stepmother, makes me marry Fred and have kids, and I get to die before I ever get the chance to see them...what the heck? I mean _what the heck_? Why would she insist my kids live the same life I lived?

**Ginny**: And then mummy starts cursing..._cursing_. _CURSING_!! When last I checked, mummy never cursed a day in her life!

**Bellatrix**: WHAT?? MOLLYWOBBLES ACTUALLY CURSES?? THAT'S JUST PLAIN WRONG!! I don't wanna sound mean, but she's something of a twit.

**Neville**: I killed a snake when I should have killed you, you stupid bitch! You better be lucky lest I remember and hurt you the same way you hurt my parents!

**Voldemort**: All these years I wasted trying to kill Harry when I should have killed Dumbledore and ended this stupid war...and spared about 99% of you from living crappy lives.

**Death Eaters**: Darn right you should have! Dumbledore is a pig! And besides, he started all of this sh-t!

**Lucius**: And since when did canon become fanfiction? If it were me, I'd crucio her for that!

**Snape**: I NEVER would have hooked up with Lily; it would have been Jadis! No, wait; it'll still be Amber.

**Ron**: and the epilogue was full of crap; I mean come on now, was it really necessary?

**Ginny**: she made my dreams come true; I love her so; she'll always be my hero in my book!

**Hermione**: but it didn't even sound right, I mean, whatever happened to Jacquel's future kids? Shouldn't they be with ours?

**Gabriel**: and what's this about the words "_All Was Well_"? I mean, who uses such a stuid ending like that?

**Harry**: "_All Was Well_"? "_All Was Well_"?! 10 years of waiting and that's all she came up with?! "_All Was Well_"? "_All Was Wel_l"?! _Well_, Stephenie Meyer did much better than that!

**Stacey**: And that's why on July 21, 2007, the world said, "_Thanks for Harry Potter, Rowling, but no thanks! We'll take our chances and write fanfiction instead_!"

**Julia**: It was also when we all chose fanfiction over canon; because face it, anything's better than this book of crap.

**Jacquel**: I wish she'd let me write the story; at least it wouldn't have sucked. And besides, I know how to get a clean non-Disney ending.

**Hermione**: don't worry, canon sucks anyway. So you don't even have to accept it as truth.

**Harry**: fanfiction is afterlife, and fanfiction means you can change the story around.

**Ron**: but now we've got this _Twilight_ and I'm gonna read it. I don't care what those Twi-haters have to say.

**All**: because _Twilight_, to me is life after _Harry Potter_. And vampires beat out wizards any day of the week!

**Lupin**: and what's this about Dumbledore being gay; it was me and Sirius all along! I wished she could have outed us instead of that studip old man; at least it would have made more sense!

**All**: the grande finale just didn't go right...in fact, it was just plain wrong!

**Jacquel**: because _Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows_ is nothing more than 99 percent bark & 1 percent bite! And now that I'm through with the series, it's time for me now to start on _Twilight_!

* * *

**Who said you can come back here and turn our song into a gangsta rap remix**?

I honestly thought we were through whining over _Deathly Hallows_. I really did. But someone has seen fit to take the _Deathly_ _Hallows_ song and turn it into a horrible rap song. Like seriously, was that even necessary? Can we PLEASE for the love of all that is good in the world, let the book die? I mean, every time someone mentions _Deathly Hallows_, another dragon dies. PLEASE, PEOPLE, THINK OF THE DRAGONS!!!

Now that we are FINALLY done with _Deathly Hallows_ ONCE & FOR ALL, we got one more question to ask ourselves:** WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**?? That's all for now! More will follow...

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Next time: **How Book 1 Should Have Ended **

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	25. How Book 1 Should Have Ended

**Claire**: 9 episodes have passed since I stopped being Pink Royale and became Claire Violet Thorpe. (well, I'mma stop that now) And now, we shall see what would happen if we rewrote book 1 of Harry Potter.

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This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13. Disclaimer: I own nothing!

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**How Book 1 Should Have Ended**

And now to begin the remake of the first Harry Potter story...

** Claire**: (_very dramatic_) How _Harry Potter & the Sorcerer's Stone_ Should Have Ended...

(_Everyone is in the 3rd Room Corridor_)

**Harry**: We gtota get the scorcere's stone before Lord Voldemort does!

**Jacquel**: No you don't.

**Harry**: Yes we do! We have to, or eelse Snape will steal it and give it to Lord Voldemort!

**Jacquel**: And I say, _no you don't_! Can't you see? They're just using you to get the stone so that you die and Dumbledore gets the stone!

**Neville**: It's true. I saw it in a movie once.

**Hermione**: Oh, you have got to be kidding me!

**Ron**: That's not true! Why would Dumbledore do that?

**Jacquel**: Because he's a mean and evil bastard who manipulated Harry into doing whatever he wants and stuff like that.

**Harry**: You mean, he made me live with people who hate me and stuff like that?

**Jacquel**: That's exactly what I mean, Harry. So I suggest that we all go to bed right now or else we'll get in big trouble. _(all mumble, but they agreed with Jacquel and wernt to bed_)

(_Meanwhile_...)

**Snape**: Aha! I caught you Quirrell! What do you have to say for yourself?

**Quirrell**: Well, you'll still be a boring teacher and I'm going to date a Movie Character. How do you like THEM apples?

**Snape**: You have the stone?

**Quirrell**: Yup. (_he holds it up_)

**Snape**: (_waving his wand_) AVADA KEDAVRA! (_Quirrell falls down dead_) Who's the boring teacher now? (_he takes the stone_) Now to dispose of this thing...(_he tosses it into the fire and it melts_)

(_the next day_)

**Dumbledore**: Unfortunately, Slytherin has won the house cup...(_Slytherins mock as everyone else __boos_) And also, we will have to have a resorting ceremony, seeing as SOME people are unfit to be in Gryffindor...(_Harry, Jacquel, Neville, Stacey, and Jaden are brought forward_) I have tested them and they all belong in Slytherin.

** Malfoy**: Hah! About time Potty knew his place!

**Jacquel**: Shut the hell up, Evil Faith!

* * *

**WHAT??? A story remake??? Did I give you permission to do that?**

Well, unfortunately folks, this is what could have happened if I had written the story. But I didn't; J. K. Rowling did. But even then, we don't have to accept the story as it is written; that's why we have FANFICTION!! We'll have the sequel up very soon!

And while we're on the siubject of fanfiction remakes, we have one more question to ask ourselves: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**??? That's all for now! More will follow...

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Next time: **Who's Your Daddy, Part 3**

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	26. Who's Your Daddy: Part 3

**Claire**: Ok, let's get this thing into high gear!

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This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13. Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**Who's Your Daddy: Part 3**

(_the story about Jacquel's father continues..._)

**Claire**: We now see Jacquel as an 11-year-old student attending Hogwarts, and Wormtail, Lucius, and Lupin have plans for which house she goes into...

**Jacquel**: I don't want to go to Hogwarts!

**Lupin**: Come on, Jacquel, it's not so bad. I went there myself and so did your mother, so you'll turn out ok.

**Jacquel**: You and I both know that I really don't belong at Hogwarts! It's just not the place for me!

**Lupin**: I know you're not happy about this, Jacquelyn, but I'm going to have to insist that you attend Hogwarts. (_Jacquel glares at him_)

**Wormtail**: (shows up) You can't just send her to Hogwarts, Remus! it's not safe for her! Why can't you send her to Oceloteczema Academy of Advanced Conjuration instead? It's more advanced and she's smarter than most witches her age. Hogwarts is nothing more than a huge setback for her.

**Lupin**: And what would you know of schools anyway, Wormtail?

**Lucius**: I believe she should go into Slytherin.

**Lupin**: Nobody asked you, you self-absorbed rich jerk!

**Jacquel**: You can argue all you want, but I'm still not going to Hogwarts!

**Lucius**: Only because he wants you in Gryffindor, where the fool who calls himself the headmaster rules and he expects you to join him.

**Wormtail**: But don't listen to him; he can bend your thinking into any way he wants.

**Lucius**: He really doesn't care about you at all.

**Lupin**: How can you two say something like that? Dumbledore is a good man!

**Lucius**: And why would you say that?

**Lupin**: Because he is!

**Wormtail**: Didn't you see how bad he treated Irene? And think about what he did to her family!

**Lucius**: And not only that, he deprived Jacquelyn of having a family at all, let alone you as her father! Or was it me?

**Wormtail**: No, it was me. I'm sure of it.

**Lupin**: Stop lying to yourself, Peter. You and I both know there's no way you could be her father. Not with that slutty Jill breathing all down your neck and stuff.

**Lucius**: Or suppose Dumbledore could be Jacquelyn's father...

**Wormtail & Lupin**: WHAT THE HELL???

**Lucius**: So what? I've read a story where Dumbledore could be her father and everything that went along with it.

**Wormtail**: That a$$hole! That (_word had to be censored_) a$$hole! How dare he???

**Lucius**: It would have been nice if that Limpett jerk was her father...wait...he's not!

**Lupin**: Of course. He would have dumped poor Jacquel on someone else the moment she was born and walked away.

**Jacquel**: But why is everyone saying that Dumbledore could be my father? When last I checked, Dumbledore was a gay bastard who liked bending people's minds to his will!

**Wormtail**: Don't believe that lie about Dumbledore; there's no way in this hell he can ever be your father!

**Lupin**: Because I am! Now, Jacquel, we must get you into Hogwarts or you'll miss your first day. (_he takes Jacquel and boards the Hogwarts Express. Lucius and Wormtail are with them_)

**Lucius**: It would be nice if they updated that blasted old thing! I've been on muggle trains and they're a whole lot classier than this pile of junk!

**Wormtail**: I know. I see the same seat I used to sit in years ago.

**Lupin**: Whatever. Now we must prepare Jacquelyn for her first day at Hogwarts...(_Jacquel is staring out the window, looking very angry. the men frown as they all stare at her_)

(_Later that evening..._)

**Dumbledore**: Good evening, and welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry! (applause) And now, we will be sorting the students!

**Lucius**: I don't like the looks of this...I won't let Jacquelyn be placed in Gryffindor.

**Lupin**: And why not?

**Wormtail**: No, Remus. She does not go into Gryffindor. Any other place is better than that! (_Jacquel's name is called_)

**Lupin**: Oh, dear! Here is goes! (_Jacquel goes to the Sorting Hat_)

**Sorting Hat**: Ahhh...Miss Romanov, or Lupin, or Malfoy, or whoever you really are, I see that you've had a rather unusual past. There are those who seek to control you, and there are those who would fight to free you. Surely, there is a place for you to go into... Phoenixfur! (_everyone gasps_)

**McGonagall**: Phoenixfur? You mean to tell me that she's been sent to the house of Phargi Phoenixfur?

**Flitwick**: Well, this is unheard of. Last time that happened was over 45 years ago!

**Snape**: Well, at least she isn't in Gryffindor

**Lupin**: Phoenixfur? I never thought of that.

**Lucius**: Well, this is indeed odd. That house hasn't been used in years; and only the really lucky ones get to go there.

**Dumbledore**: I don't believe it! Jacquelyn's a Phoenixfur? That just isn't right! I will have to recruit more students and teachers just to fill up some space.

**Lupin**: Hmmm, it's not Gryffindor, but at least she's in Hogwarts.

**Jacquel**: Dad?

**Lupin**: Yes, Princess?

**Jacquel**: Don't push your luck.**

* * *

You'll never know what Jacquel will do next...**

1. Because Jacquel was raised by Lupin and not Nichollo, her future has been greatly altered.

2. Phargi Phoenixfur was the rumored fifth founder of Hogwarts, but he and his students hadn't mingled very much with the other founders and their students.

3. With her sorting, Jacquel's adventures in Hogwarts will be very different from the fanfics i usually write about her.

4. Dumbledore isn't too happy with this and vows to get Jacquel re-sorted into Gryffindor.

5. Maybe I might make this into a story.

And now for the final question in this daddy drama: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

* * *

Next time:** Hogwarts New Years Resolutions**

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	27. You say it's your birthday

**Claire**: I must admit I'm losing my drive to write Harry Potter fanfiction, but don't worry, this story will be written!

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This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

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**You say it's your birthday...**

**Claire**: Jacquel and the gang are all old and it just happens to be Jacquel's birthday, so they all go celebrate it.

**Jacquel**: I can't believe it! I'm freaking OLD!!!

**Harry**: Come on, Jacquel, it's not so bad. You're what, now? 29?

**Jacquel**: I'm 27 in real life.

**Harry**: But still that's not so bad, compared to the other parties we threw for you.

**Ron**: I know! Every time we throw her a party, Ginny always crashes it!

**Stacey**: And you married her WHY???

**Jaden**: For God's sanity, Harry, can't you just dump her? Lots of people out there aren't too happy with your decision to marry Ginny!

** Ginny**: Nobody cares about your opinion, you Caged bastard son of a trogg-headed Spatangoid!

**Jacquel**: Oh be quiet, Ginny! You have destroyed my last birthday! SECURITY!!! (_just then, several La Push Wolves wearing cut off blue jeans show up and firmly escort Ginny from the room_)

**Ginny**: This isn't over, Jacquel! I will crush you!!! (_she is pulled out the room_)

**Julia**: She REALLY needs to see the inside of a crazy people's home!

**Malfoy**: Don't we all know it!

**Jonathan**: Well, I've got the song ready! Let's kick it! (_song plays_)

**Harry, Ron, Hermione, Stacey, Jonathan, Jaden, Julia, Malfoy, Magnus, Neville, Luna, Fred, & George**: (_singing_) You say it's your birthday, well, I think that's just peechy-keen! We're gonna go celebrate the biggest day of your life, be you big or small! So let's get together and sing...Happy happy birthday from all of us to you, we wish it were our birthday so we can have it too! Happy happy birthday and you know it's true, Jacquel, we love you! Happy happy birthday

**Harry**: Why did you leave me?

**All**: Happy happy birthday

**Harry**: And not only that, you started chasing after vampires...

**All**: Happy happy birthday

**Harry:** That thing with Ginny meant nothing...

**All**: Happy happy birthday

**Harry**: Jacquel, please forgive me and take me back...

** All**: Happy happy birthday from all of us to you, we wish it were our birthday so we can have it too! Happy happy birthday and you know it's true, Jacquel, we love you! (_Just then, Jace Wayland barges in_)

**Jace**: HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! (_all the glass in the room breaks, including Harry's glasses_)

**Harry**: AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!! You freaking broke my glasses, you arrogant jerk!

**Jacquel**: Jace, what are you doing here?

**Jace**: It's your birthday, isn't it? Well, it's time for the birthday girl to get kissed! (_Just then, Edward and Jacob show up and jump between him and Jacquel_)

** Jacob**: Oh no you don't, you Screeching Glorious bastard child of an Oribi!

**Edward**: Or else we'll claw you to death!

** Jace**: What are you two Shrieking Flaming bastard sons of a spider-brained Wapiti talking about?

**Jacquel**: Uh, you crashed my birthday party!

**Jacob**: And besides, Jacquel is seeing Carlisle now, so you can't interfere! Go back to that girlfriend of yours!

**Edward**: You mean his sister.

**Jacob**: That's exactly what I meant!

**Harry**: And what about me?

**Cho**: Cedric? You're alive???

**Edward**: Who is this Cedric that you speak of? I am Edward Cullen.

**Hermione**: Well, they both are played by the same person...

**Jacquel**: Who I have a crush on in real life...

**Ron**: What??? You mean to tell me that you like Robert Pattinson? Whatever happened to Orlando Bloom?

**Hermione**: Come on, Ronald. That was ages ago.

**Jacquel**: And besides, I think Robert is beautiful. I mean, he plays a guy who's nice to you and takes care of you and stuff like that.

**Stacey**: Jacquel, you are Robsessed.

**Jaden**: What's that supposed to mean?

**Jonathan**: That means, Jacquel is totally and hopelessly obsessed with the actor Robert Pattinson.

**Jacquel**: You know it!

**Lupin**: Arrrgggghhh!!!

**Wormtail**: What is it, Remus?

**Lupin**: My princess is in love with a vampire!!!

**Charlie**: Yeah, same thing happened to my daughter. But don't worry, it's not so bad.

**Laurent**: Because she's nothing more than a delicious slice of chocolate cake served with ice cream.

**Jacquel**: WHAT THE FLIP??? LAURENT, GET OUT OF HERE!!! DID I EVEN INVITE YOU TO MY PARTY???

**James**: Well, it is your party...wanna hang out?

**Jacquel**: Ok...

**Fred**: Hey! I saw her first!

**Magnus**: Me too!

**Harry**: And why does she hang out with the bad boys?

**Jacquel**: You know me; most girls love bad boys. (_to James_) Let's go! (_they leave_)

**Charlie**: See what I mean? Well, Edward is a decent boy, but I'm not too sure about that James.

**Lupin**: My little Princess wants to date a vampire! (_looks at Harry_) Harry Potter, this is all your fault!

**

* * *

**

**Let's Party**!

1. Jacquel seems to always go for the bad boys instead of those who appear to be decent.

2. She just can't have a decent party without someone botching it up.

3. Cedric and Edward were played by Robert Pattinson (_but you knew that already_!).

4. Anyway, it kind of was Harry's fault Jacquel ran to the vampires.

And now for the final part of this story: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

* * *

Next time: **Hogwarts New Years Resolutions **

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	28. Hogwarts New Years Resolutions

**Claire**: I must admit I'm losing my drive to write Harry Potter fanfiction, but don't worry, this story will be written! I have several more months to complete it, so let's finish with the bad fanfiction stories!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**Hogwarts New Years Resolutions  
**

**Claire**: The gang has one more year with me, so what did they promise to do?

**Fred & ****George**: We'd stop doing so many pranks!

**Hermione**: I'd study subjects relevant to my education.

**Ron**: I'd start being my own self.

**Quirrell**: I'd stop being a whiny jerk.

**Dumbledore**: I would be nicer to people and stop eating so much candy.

**McGonagall**: I'd pay more attention to my students' personal lives.

**Harry**: I need to realize that I don't have to play the hero.

**Lupin**: I will seek professional help for my issues.

**Filch**: I need to chill out.

**Neville**: I will have someone help me with my homework.

**Malfoy**: I'll push harder to make Harry be my friend.

**Hagrid**: I'll push to get a better job.

**Cedric**: I'll try to stay in the story more often.

**Sirius**: I'd fight to get my life back.

**Percy**: I'd appreciate what I do have.

**Kingsley**: I'd make sure that stuff gets done!

**Tonks**: I'll stop going ballistic everytime someone calls me "_Nymphadora_"!

**Moody**: I'll ive up the "old soldier" act.

**Snape**: I'll realize that Harry is not like his father.

**Voldemort**: I'd go into therapy to get help for my issues.

**Bellatrix**: I'll be a better person.

**Vernon & Petunia**: We'll take better care of Harry.

**Wormtail**: Next time, I'm picking my own friends!

**Lucius**: I will stop acting like a pompous jerk.

**Ginny**: I will stop stalking Harry and realize that he does not like me.

**Jacquel**: The next time someone offers me an invitation to go to Hogwarts, I will invent something better for me to do.

**

* * *

**

**So can they keep these resolutions up?**

Well, I don't know, but since I have a few months left to write the story (I plan to end it in December of this year), we're going to end it with a BANG!!!

And now for the final part of this story: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

* * *

Next time: **Would You Like to Order a Phoenix**?

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	29. Would You Like to Order a Phoenix?

**Claire**: I must admit I'm losing my drive to write Harry Potter fanfiction, but don't worry, this story will be written! I have several more months to complete it, so let's finish with the bad fanfiction stories!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**Would You Like to Order a Phoenix?  
**

**Claire**: And now for some fun with the Phoenixes...

**Moody**: Ok, who's up for a little raid?

**Hestia**: Uh, you mean about the Death Eaters? What are they doing now?

**Tonks**: Well, I think we've been a little too hard on them?

**Sturgis**: Hmmm... yeah. We have.

**Kingsley**: Sometimes, we keep forgetting that they're just like us.

**Daedalus**: Yep. Humans.

**Hestia**: Wizards.

**Tonks**: We're not any much better than them!

**Moody**: Well, that's not going to work with him.

**Mundungus**: He doesn't have to know.

**Emmeline**: So we're gonna defy Dumbledore's orders?

**Sturgis**: Do we have a choice?

(_the group goes off to confront the Death Eaters_)

**Voldemort**: Ok, so it's agreed: we get half pepperoni and half Hawaiian. (_just then, Moody, Tonks, Hestia, Daedalus, Mundungus, Emmeline, and Sturgis show up_) Oh crap! It's the Order of the Turkeys! (_Death Eaters brandish their wands_) And why are you here? Oh, did that stupid old man send you here to harass me?

**Tonks**: Well, that's kind of why we're here. To talk to you.

**Lucius**: About what?

**Sturgis**: Well, aren't you guys kind of tired of being the bad guys?

**Rastaban**: Hmmmmm, I never thought about that before.

**Wormtail**: Me neither.

**Bellatrix**: Why do you ask?

**Moody**: We're curious, so to speak.

**Kingsley**: Well, yes. So, are you?

**Rudolphus**: Ok. We admit it.

**Emmeline**: Say it.

**Death Eaters**: YES!!! YES!!! WE'RE TIRED OF BEING THE BAD GUYS!!! WHY CAN'T DUMBLEDORE GIVE US A BREAK???

**Mundungus**: Because he's dumb! get it? DUMB-bledore? Hah? Hah-hah? (blank stares)

**Voldemort**: Ok, minions. Let's confront Dumbledore through the best way we know how: THE PRESS!!!

**Claire**: And so, they insulted Dumbledore in the newspapers and lots of people were shocked. Ok, maybe my stories about bad Dumbledore are seeping into this one as well. And before I shut this thing off, I have one more question for you: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

* * *

Next time: **Hogwarts Idol**

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	30. Hogwarts Idol

**Claire**: I must admit I'm losing my drive to write _Harry Potter_ fanfiction, but don't worry, this story will be written! I have several more months to complete it, so let's finish with the bad fanfiction stories!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing! Not the songs, not the lyrics. Just the story.

* * *

**Hogwarts Idol**

**Claire**: And now for HOGWARTS IDOL, with your hosts Harry Potter, Jacquel Romanov, and Draco Malfoy!!!

**Draco**: How come I have to be the mean jerk?

**Jacquel**: Because you're always mean. And we kind of need a Simon Cowell lookalike on this show.

**Harry**: Come on, guys! Let's get the show started!!! (_everyone lines up and a stage is set. Stacey jumps onto the stage_)

**Stacey**: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting to you for your entertainment...HOGWARTS IDOL!!! (_audience cheers_)

**Draco**: So, who's going first?

**Beterli**: (singing "_Sweet Home Alabama_" by Lynyrd Skynyrd) Big wheels keep on turning / Carry me home to see my kin / Singing songs about the Southland / I miss Alabama once again / And I think it's a sin, yes / Well, I heard Mr. Young sing about her / Well, I heard ol' Neil put her down / Well, I hope Neil Young will remember / A Southern man don't need him around anyhow...Sweet home Alabama / Where the skies are so blue / Sweet home Alabama / Lord, I'm coming home to you...

**Draco**: Uh, what the heck is that?

**Beterli**: You're a jerk, Malfoy! You have a problem with Lynyrd Skynyrd?

**Jacquel**: What? You're such an Evil Faith!

**Harry**: Uhhhhh....

**Stacey**: Let's skip to contestant #2, shall we?

**Denver**: (singing "_Crazy_" by Gnarls Barkley) Does that make me crazy? / Does that make me crazy? / Does that make me crazy?/ Possibly...

**Jacquel**: Well...I'm not exactly down with the lyrics and all.

**Harry**: Lame.

**Draco**: What is this? I want some real talent.

**Nicholas, Kenneth, Konrad, Kerrie, Kevin, & Kiara**: (singing "_We are the Champions_" by Queen) We are the champions my friends / And we'll keep on fighting till the end / We are the champions We are the champions / No time for losers 'Cause we are the champions of the world...

**Draco**: They are the champions...OF THE LOSERS!!! Like, can they even be more pathetic?

**Harry**: I second that.

**Jacquel**: That used to be my favorite song.

**Nelena**: (singing "_Girlfriend_" by Avril Lavigne) Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend / No way, no way, I think you need a new one / Hey, hey, you, you, I could be your girlfriend...

**Jacquel**: Hey Nelena, go away and die!!!

**Harry**: That's kind of harsh, even from you.

**Draco**: Somebody needs to send her to jail, and in a major hurry!

**Balin & ****Everett **(singing "_Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go_" by WHAM!): Wake me up before you go-go / Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo / Wake me up before you go-go / I don't want to miss it when you hit that high...

**Draco**: Is this a talent show or are we stuck in the 80's?

**Stacey**: How the heck should I know? We were BORN in the 80's!

**Callie**: (singing "_I'm Too Sexy_" by Right Said Fred; Nelena is standing next to him) I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt / So sexy it hurts / I'm a model you know what I mean / And I do my little turn on the catwalk / Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah / I shake my little touche on the catwalk (_just then, Jacquel throws an apple at his head and he and Nelena fall off the stage_)

**Draco**: OUCH!!! I mean, that was just...HARSH!!!

**Jacquel**: Yeah. He's a heartbreaker.

**Stacey**: And leave it to the retarded guy formerly known as Jacquel's ex-boyfriend to sing that song we all love to hate!

**Ginny**: (singing "_The Climb_" by Miley Cyrus; the worst song in history) And I, I got to be strong / Just keep pushing on / Ain't about how fast I get there / Ain't about what's waiting on the other side / It's the climb

**Harry**: (_drools at Ginny_)

**Stacey**: AAARRRGGGHHHH!!! NOT MILEY CYRUS!!! MY HEAD HURTS!!!

**Jaden**: I HATE "_THE CLIMB_"!!!

**Jacquel**: What do you mean _YOUR _head? My ears are like freaking bleeding here!!!

**Draco**: Somebody call the police! We've got a Miley-obsessed stalker of Harry here!

**Jonathan**: (singing "_In Love With a Girl_" by Gavin Degraw) I'm in love with a girl who knows me better, / Fell for the women just when i met her, / Took my sweet time when i was bitter, / Someone understands, / And she knows how to treat a fella right, / Give me that feeling every night, / Wants to make love when i wanna fight, / Now someone understand me, / I'm in love with a girl (I'm in love with) / I'm in love with a girl (I'm in love with)

**Stacey**: What'd you do to him?

**Jacquel**: Ok, I slipped him _Twilight_. Who cares?

**Harry**: I do! That book sucks!

**Draco**: YOU suck, Potter! And I think you owe millions of girls an apology!

**Harry**: (_looks behind him and sees a group of angry Twilight fans behind him_) I'm sorry girls who like _Twilight_!

**Stacey**: Ok, Jaden, send in the next contestant!

**Adrian, Agnes, Marty, Serena, Aslan, Gabriel, & Adair**: (singing "_I Want You Back_" by The Jackson 5) ooh baby give me one more chance / to show you that i love you / wont you please let me / back in your heart / i want you back yes i do now / i want you back oh oh baby / i want you yeah yeah yeah / i want you back na na na

**Draco**: Hmmmm, let's see: nice dance, nice form, keeps in time to the music, ACTUALLY knows the lyrics...

**Jacquel**: I think we might have a winner.

**Cho**: (singing "_You Belong With ME_" by Taylor Swift) If you could see that I'm the one who understands you / Been here all along, so why can't you see? / You, you belong with me, you belong with me...

**Harry**: Ummm Cho?

**Jacquel**: Yeah, Harry. You DO belong with her!

**Draco**: Yeah, _Potter_! What the heck were you thinking going off that that Gin-brat?

**Ryan, Susen, Taylor & Dylan**: (singing "_Don't Stop Believing_" by Journey; they sing rather off-key) Strangers waiting / Up and down the boulevard / Their shadows searching in the night... / Don't stop believin' / Hold on to that feelin' (_just then the karaoke machine breaks and explodes, sendng the kids fleeing from the stage_)

**Draco**: (_covers his eyes_)

**Jacquel**: (_covers her mouth_)

**Harry**: (_covers his ears_)

**Stacey**: (_facepalm_)

**Jaden**: Oh, this is bad! Now we're stuck with blasted pop culture tunes! Just my freaking luck!

**Hermione**: I'll get the spare machine... (_goes to the storage area and sets up the spare karaoke machine_) AND BEGIN!!!

**Ernest**: (singing "_Baby_" by Justin Bieber) And now I'm like Baby, baby, baby noo / I'm like Baby, baby, baby noo / I'm like Baby, baby, baby noo / I thought you'd always be mine (mine)

**Jacquel**: He is so cute!

**Draco**: Hmmm...somehow, I knew you were gonna say that.

**Stacey**: Isn't he your cousin?

**Draco**: Exactly!

**Louise, Ginger, & Jacinth**: (singing "_Spiderwebs_" by No Doubt) Sorry, I'm not home right now / I'm walking into spiderwebs / So leave a message and I'll call you back / A likely story but leave a message / And I'll call you back

**Harry**: Well, I'm not sure what to make of that...

**Draco**: I do...Somebody named Ginny needs to BACK OFF!!!

**Robbie, David, & Felix**: (Singing "_Message in a Bottle_" by Sting & the Police) I'll send an SOS to the world / I'll send an SOS to the world / I hope that someone gets my / I hope that someone gets my / I hope that someone gets my / message in a bottle

**Jacquel**: Uh-oh! I guess a new band of singing brothers just rolled into town!

**Draco**: Those Jonas brothers better watch their backs!

**Hermione**: Jonas _WHO_??? You mean the Evans brothers!

**Catherine, Elizabeth, Helen, & Ludmilla**: (Singing "_Hot N Cold_" by Katy Perry) You change your mind like a girl changes clothes / Yeah, you change your mind like a girl I would know...'Cause you're hot and you're cold / You're yes and you're no / You're in and you're out / You're up and you're down / You're wrong when it's right / You're black and it's white / We fight, we break up / We hug, we make up / You, you don't really wanna stay, no / But you, you don't really wanna go, oh / 'Cause you're hot and you're cold / You're yes then you're no / You're in and you're out / You're up and you're down

**Draco**: Did a two-headed eagle just rip out my tongue, or have I FINALLY discovered some girls who can actually SING???

***backstage***

**Stacey**: Awww, Sev, what? You're not gonna sing?

**Snape**: No. They'll only laugh at me.

**Stacey**: Please! I know you can sing. Sing us a Prince song!

**Hermione**: Hey, Stace! No hogging the contestant!!!

**Snape**: Fine, I'll do it!!! (_walks on stage_)

***onstage***

**Jaden**: And now a song from the artist known as Prince!

**Harry**: You mean _"Half-Blood_" Prince?

**Jacquel**: Grow up, Harry!

**Snape**: (singing "_Purple Rain_" by Prince. and yes, he can SING!) I never meant to cause you any sorrow / I never meant to cause you any pain /  
I only wanted one time to see you laughing / I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain / Purple rain, purple rain / Purple rain, purple rain / Purple rain, purple rain / I only wanted to see you bathing in the purple rain

**Hermione**: Wow! I'm impressed!

**Ron**: WHo knew Professor Snape can sing?

**Neville**: I did. In that "_Sweeney Todd_" movie.

**Draco**: Hey, where'd Jacquel go?

* * *

**Claire**: Ok, so that's the show! And now, audience, the voting begins! So, who will win the contest? Will it be...

1. **Beterli **singing "_Sweet Home Alabama_" by Lynyrd Skynyrd

2. **Denver **singing "_Crazy_" by Gnarls Barkley

3. **Nicholas, Kenneth, Konrad, Kerrie, Kevin, & Kiara **singing "_We are the Champions_" by Queen

4. **Nelena **singing "_Girlfriend_" by Avril Lavigne

5. **Balin & ****Everett **singing "_Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go_" by WHAM!

6. **Callie **singing "_I'm Too Sexy_" by Right Said Fred

7. **Ginny **singing "_The Climb_" by Miley Cyrus

8. **Jonathan **singing "_In Love With a Girl_" by Gavin Degraw

9. **Adrian, Agnes, Marty, Serena, Aslan, Gabriel, & Adair **singing "_I Want You Back_" by The Jackson 5

10. **Cho **singing "_You Belong With ME_" by Taylor Swift

11. **Ryan, Susen, Taylor & Dylan **singing "_Don't Stop Believing_" by Journey

12. **Ernest **singing "_Baby_" by Justin Bieber

13. **Louise, Ginger, & Jacinth **singing "_Spiderwebs_" by No Doubt

14. **Robbie, David, & Felix **singing "_Message in a Bottle_" by Sting & the Police

15. **Catherine, Elizabeth, Helen, & Ludmilla s**inging "_Hot N Cold_" by Katy Perry

16. **Snape **singing "_Purple Rain_" by Prince

**Stacey**: Uh, Jacquel, they want us to sing!

**Claire**: And so we shall! (_Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Draco, & Jaden join them_) HIT IT!!! (Michael Jackson's _Bad _turns on)

**Claire, Stacey, ****Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Draco, & Jaden**: Your Butt Is Mine / Gonna Tell You Right / Just Show Your Face / In Broad Daylight / I'm Telling You / On How I Feel / Gonna Hurt Your Mind / Shoot To Kill / Come On, Come On, / Well They Say The Sky's The Limit / And To Me That's Really True / But My Friend You Have Seen Nothing / Just Wait 'Til I Get Through . . . / Because I'm Bad, I'm Bad- / Come On (Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad) / You Know I'm Bad, achoo! EXCUSE ME YOUR EXCUSED / And The Whole World Has To Answer Right Now / Just To Tell You Once Again, **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY???**

* * *

Next time: _Random Moments 3_

song lyrics courtesy of elyrics(dot)net

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	31. Random Moments 3

**Claire**: I am about to stop writing _Harry Potter_ fanfiction, but don't worry, this story will be finished!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**Random Moments 3**

(_CedWard???_)

**Harry**: Why does everyone like Edward Cullen more than they like me? Cedric? Where are you? (_Cedric shows up_) Cedric! You're alive!

**Edward**: I'm not Cedric. I'm Edward Cullen.

**Harry**: But you're Cedric! You got killed by Voldemort, remember?

**Edward**: Yeah, and that's why I'm here.

**Harry**: Why?

**Edward**: To kick his butt, of course!

(_confronting Percy Jackson_)

**Harry**: I'm Harry Potter, _Twilight_ is for losers, I'm better than everyone else...(_Percy shows up_)

**Percy**: Your reign in the land of fiction is over, Potter!

**Harry**: Uh, sorry? Come again?

**Percy**: I mean it! You're finished, Harry Potter!

**Harry**: What? But WHY???

**Percy**: Dude, look out the window! (_scores of kids who once liked Harry Potter are now reading Percy Jackson & the Olympians_)

**Harry**: NO! How did this happen?

**Percy**: Because, face it, everyone's sick and tired of you!

**Harry**: But that's not fair! I'm Harry Potter, the greatest fantasy character who ever lived! I can't ever be replaced!

**Percy**: You think so? Then say hello to my friends! (_Annabeth and Grover show up_)

**Harry**: Noooooooooo!!!

(_Jacquel goes to Italy_)

**Harry**: Jacquel, do we have to go on this stupid field trip to your homeland?

**Jacquel**: Yes, Harry. I had to put up with your sh*t for 6 years, so you can handle my side of the story.

**Ron**: Yeah, sure, ok, whatever.

**Hermione**: Fair enough.

**Harry**: Ok. But why are we heading to Italy?

**Jacquel**: Because I need to get away from England and besides, I'm tired of being some little princess when I should be a vampire!

**Ron**: So you rather be goth than a wizard?

**Jacquel**: Yes I would! So there you have it!

(_Jacquel is preparing to write "Don't Hold Back", the sequel to "Something Wicked This Way Comes"_)

**Harry**: Now let me get this straight.

**Jacquel**: Like what?

**Harry**: You make me gay and marry Edward Cullen. Why?

**Jacquel**: How should I put this in the nicest of words: because people these days like _Harry Potter_/_Twilight_ crossovers and any story pairing you with Edward in a slash relationship is super cool.

**Harry**: WHAT THE HELL??? WHY CAN'T THEY JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I'M WITH GINNY AND JUST MOVE ON???

**Jacquel**: Because no one likes Harry/Ginny and you should have just died like everyone thought you would!!! So there!

(_Charlie Bone confronts Harry_)

**Harry**: I don't know who that Percy Jackson kid thinks he is! I'm Harry Potter, goddamnit! (_Charlie shows up_) And what do _you_ want?

**Charlie**: Give me my moment in the spotlight, Harry?

**Harry**: Why should I?

**Charlie**: I'm getting real sick of our perverted ways, Harry! Why can't you just be like everyone else and fade away; your time in the spotlight is over!

**Harry**: That's not fair, Charlie! I thought we were friends!

**Charlie**: Yeah, until you grew too big for your Bloor's uniform and started thinking that you were better than everyone else, which you're not. Now please, for the love of all that is good and funny, give it all up and go back to Bloor's with us! We really need you!

**Harry**: Fine. At least _you're _being fair, unlike a certain person right tnow...

**Charlie**: That I am.

**

* * *

WHY IS THIS CRAP STILL ON???**

1. Well, CedWard will be getting his revenge on Voldie real soon!

2. Percy is among those who are trying to knock Harry off his pedestal.

3. There is more to Jacquel than just being a witch of a vampire. Her true life story is in the works.

4. And yes, we all would rather see Harry with Edward than with Ginny.

5. When will Charlie Bone get HIS moment in the spotlight? SERIOUSLY!!!

Here's another crappy moment: WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY??

* * *

Next time: _Harry Potter Uncut 2_

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	32. Harry Potter Uncut 2

**Claire**: I am about to stop writing _Harry Potter_ fanfiction, but don't worry, this story will be finished!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**Harry Potter Uncut 2**

Note: this song is of my own making...so don't steal it!

**Ron: **Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you for your entertainment the Meditation band the Green Blue Carnallite who will be performing their hit single _Lost_!

(_music begins_)

**Green Blue Carnallite: **They said we would last forever / but even then I knew it was a lie / you never were the one for me / how can they call our love a fairytale / when we weren't in love at all / you know nothing of the pain I when through when I was with you / and now you call someone else your "true love" and you don't even mention me...

**CHORUS: **I'm so lost without you and I don't know why / but you were never really mine to being with / I have lost myself to you and I don't know why / and I guess it's time for me to move on...

**Green Blue Carnallite: **they claimed us to be together/ but only I knew we would never get that far / they wanted us to be the next big couple / but that just wasn't for me / we are two completely different worlds and never the twain shall mix / we were a mistake that not even God Himself can fix...

**CHORUS: **I'm so lost without you and I don't know why / but you were never really mine to being with / I have lost myself to you and I don't know why / and I guess it's time for me to move on...

**Green Blue Carnallite: **they claimed us to be together/ but only I knew we would never get that far / they wanted us to be the next big couple / but that just wasn't for me / we are two completely different worlds and never the twain shall mix / we were a mistake that not even God Himself can fix...

**CHORUS:** I'm so lost without you and I don't know why / but you were never really mine to being with / I have lost myself to you and I don't know why / and I guess it's time for me to move on / I'm so lost without you and I don't know why / but you were never really mine to being with / I have lost myself to you and I don't know why / and I guess it's time for me to move on...

* * *

**Clearly Claire Violet Thorpe is having a very difficult time since her breakup with Harry Potter**!

1. She isn't the only one who suffered a bad breakup...Bella did!

2. Unlike Jacquel, Bella had her friend Jacob to lean on; Jacquel had no one she could talk to.

3. Edward and Bella eventually patched things up, but it is highly unlikely that Jacquel and Harry will ever be able to reconcile.

4. Not to worry, Charlie Bone and Percy Jackson will be coming to the rescue!

Well, we have one more thing to say: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**?

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _Another Alternative Ending_

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	33. How Book 2 Should Have Ended

**Claire**: I am about to stop writing _Harry Potter_ fanfiction, but don't worry, this story will be finished!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**How Book 2 Should Have Ended**

**Claire: **(_very dramatic_) How _Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets_ Should Have Ended...

**Harry: **We gotta save Ginny!

**Jacquel: **Do you have a plan?

**Harry: **No!

**Jacquel: **Well, I have one...

**Ron: **What is it?

**Jacquel: **We go into the Chamber of Secrets, arm ourselves wih mirrors and a sword, and kill the book!

**Ron: **Why would you kill a book?

**Jacquel: **Because it's causing all this trouble!

**Harry: **You mean a book is causing trouble for us?

**Jacquel: **That's exactly what I mean, Harry. So I suggest that we all go kill the book and save the school. And NOT a word to hermione abotu me killing a book.

**Harry & Ron: **Agreed. (_Gildreoy Lockhart shows up_)

**Lockhart: **Aha! I caught you three sneaking in! What do you have to say for yourselves?

**Ron: **This! (_he pushes Lockhart down the slide in Moaning Myrtle's Bathroom and the others follow_)

**Lockhart: **You'll be paying for this! (_zaps Harry_)

**Harry: **Uh, who am I? (_he had his memories erased_)

**Ron: **Crap! Well, Jacquel, looks like it's just you and me now!

**Jacquel:** We're only young once. (_they find the book and stab it with Gryffindor's sword. Ginny wakes up_)

**Ginny: **Hey, what the heck happened here?

**Jacquel**: We got rid of that basilisk.

**Ron: **And killed a book.

**Ginny: **Hermione is so gonna kill you for that, Ron!

**Ron: **Yeah, so, and why should I care? She's a freaking nerd anyway!

**Lockhart: **I heard that!

(_the next day_)

**Dumbledore:** Unfortunately, once again, Slytherin has won the house cup...(_Slytherins mock as everyone else boos_) And also, we are sad to announce that Ginevra Weasley has been sentenced to 50 years in Azkaban Prison for opening the Chamber of Secrets.

**Malfoy: **Weasley? Who'd thought of that?

**Hermione: **I'm sorry your sister got sent to prison.

**Ron**: Who cares about what you think, Hermione!

**Jacquel: **I wonder whatever happened to poor Harry.

**Ron:** Right. What DID happen to him?

**Claire: **(_very dramatic_) Gilderoy Lockhart (once again) took credit for defeating the basilisk and was hailed as a hero, which annoyed Jacquel and Ron to no end. But as for Harry, no one ever saw him again after the second term ended.**  
**

* * *

******GET A LIFE, HARRY POTTER FANS!**  


1. It would have been better if Ginny was punished for opening the Chamber of Secrets; possession or no, she should know better than to open the chamber.

2. Jacquel should have had a bigger role in the story, such as taking charge of the situation and stopping Tom Riddle BEFORE he started the Chamber of Secrets incident.

3. Hermione needs to stop reading books all the time; it doesn't appear to be healthy for her.

4. Once again, Lockhart is being a jerk.

Well, we have one more thing to say: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**?

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _Who's Your Daddy Part 4_

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	34. Who's Your Daddy Part 4

**Claire**: I am about to stop writing _Harry Potter_ fanfiction, but don't worry, this story will be finished!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

****

Who's Your Daddy Part 4

(_the story about Jacquel's father continues..._)

**Claire**: Jacquel is now 13 years old and Wormtail, Lucius, and Lupin plan to have a party for her. And someone shows up uninvited...

**Jacquel**: 13-year-olds don't have birthday parties!

**Lupin**: This one does! (_points to Jacquel_)

**Jacquel**: But I'm a teenager now! And teenagers ***DON'T*** have birthday parties at all!

**Lupin**: Really, Jacquelyn? And since when did you become a teenager? (_Jacquel glares at him_)

**Wormtail**: (_shows up_) Just now, Moony! She's too old for clowns and silly party games!

**Lupin**: And why are you here?

**Lucius**: I believe our little girl is now a teenager, Remus. And we can't give her a party.

**Lupin**: Nobody asked you, you self-absorbed rich jerk!

**Jacquel**: Fighting or no, but I don't want a birthday party!

**Lucius**: Very well then. What do you want to do?

**Wormtail**: Something that doesn't involve clowns and cakes and silly presents.

**Lucius**: I wasn't asking you, rat-face!

**Lupin**: How can you two be like that? It's our little girls' birthday!

**Lucius**: She's hardly a little girl anymore!

**Lupin**: Then what is she?

**Wormtail**: A teenager!

**Lucius**: And not only that, she's getting older, meaning that we must change how you see yourself as her father! Or was it me?

**Wormtail**: No, it was me. I'm sure of it.

**Lupin**: Stop lying to yourself, Peter. You and I both know there's no way you could be her father. You know that!

**Jacquel**: Uh, are you going to decide on something or am I going to do all the thinking for myself?

**Wormtail & Lupin**: Very well then. What do you want to do?

**Lucius**: Something befitting a person of her status and age...(_Dumbledore shows up_)

**Dumbledore**: And how is she doing on her 13th birthday?

**Lucius**: Why are you here? We did not invite you to her party.

**Jacquel**: IT'S NOT MY PARTY!

**Lupin**: When last we checked, you lied to and deceived many people. So no, you don't get to do what she wants to do on her birthday!

**Wormtail**: So leave now or else we'll expose your secrets regarding Seamus to the wizarding world!

**Dumbledore**: Very well then. But I must warn you, nothing good will come out of associating with the granddaughter of a monster! (he storms off)

**Lucius**: What a fool! Surely there can be no legal way to destroy him!

**Wormtail**: I know. I want him to die!

**Lupin**: Whatever. Jacquelyn would like to have her birthday now. (_to Jacquel_) What are you planning?

**Jacquel**: Well, I say we go see ECLIPSE the movie.

**All**: WHAT?

**Jacquel**: You heard me. I want to see Eclipse the movie.

**Lupin**: And why would you want to see that?

**Jacquel**: You know me; I'm a sucker for romance with a bit of violence in it. And vampires.

**Lupin**: Oh, dear! Jacquel got Twilighted!

**Lucius**: I see.

**Jacquel**: Dad?

**Lupin**: Yes, Princess?

**Jacquel**: Don't even THINK of getting out of this one.

* * *

******Daddies & Twilight *DON'T* Mix!**  


1. Jacquel seems to have a better entry into her teen years thanks to Lupin and (to an extant) Dumbledore.

2. No one has forgiven Dumbledore for destroying the Romanov family.

3. And there's no way Jacquel can NOT be "_Twilighted_" because I'll squeeze that into the story.

And now for the final question in this daddy drama: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**?

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _Another Potter, Malfoy, & Fangirl Incident_

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	35. Another PotterMalfoyFangirl Situation

**Claire**: I am about to stop writing _Harry Potter_ fanfiction, but don't worry, this story will be finished!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

****

Another Potter/Malfoy/Fangirl Situation

**Claire**: And now for the Potter/Malfoy pairing: Albus Severus and Scorpius, in which the boys have apparently learned nothing from their fathers and grandfathers.

**Malfoy**: Is this happening again?

**Harry**: And she's making it better!

**Julia**: And my future daughter is gonna be a fangirl?

**Claire**: You all just watch...

(_scene change_)

**Rose**: Well, guys, I think I failed at the test.

**Jacques**: Well, I'm shocked. Isn't your mother Hermione Granger?

**Rose**: Jacques, don't compare me to my mother. Not cool.

**Scorpius**: Please! You're not her!

**Hugo**: It's true. She's nothing like our mother.

**Scorpius**: What's the point?

**London**: There is no point, silly! Rose isn't Hermione! It's not cool to compare her to her mother?

**Hugo**: Why?

**London**: Well, for starters, Hermione wasn't ***that*** smart to begin with, and #2, Jacques's mother was the best student of all time.

**James**: We know, we know. Don't remind us.

**Albus**: We all knew Jacquel wasn't even supposed to be at Hogwarts to begin with.

**London**: Yeah. That's true. Wanna dig up more dirt on her? (_all but Albus and Scorpius leave_)

**Albus**: Uh, Score?

**Scorpius**: Yeah, Al?

**Albus**: Well...

**Scorpius**: What is it, Al?

**Albus**: I don't know what else to say.

**Scorpius**: Well, would you like to...

**Albus**: Oh, look at the time; it's time for bed. You'll just leave now. (_he makes to leave, but Scorpius stops him_)

**Scorpius**: Al, is something bothering you?

**Albus**: Well, I wish I knew why I'm upset...but I don't.

**Scorpius**: Are you OK, Albus? I'm kind of worried about you...(_just then Albus pounces on Scorpius and they kiss. A short while later Jared shows up_)

**Jared**: Seriously, guys, not cool! I'mma kick your butts for this! (_she sees Albus and Scorpius kissing_) I hope you're not doing what I think you're doing!

**Albus**: Hello, Jared, and how are you today?

**Jared**: Don't you dare "_Hello Jared_" me, Albus Severus Potter! I saw what you were doing!

**Scorpius**: Oh, no, Jared! Don't tell London! She would tease me to no end!

**Jared**: Oh, please, Scor! You'd think I'd really tell her? Not on your life! I won't give her the satisfaction!

**Scorpius**: You know, Jared, you must like this kind of thing.

**Jared**: Uh, how do you know?

**Albus**: Our fathers and grandfathers used to like each other and then your mother and grandmother used to call them out on it.

**Scorpius**: Yeah, Jared. It's very true.

**Jared**: Well, that doesn't mean I can't blurt out your secret to the whole school!

**Albus**: So you'll keep our secret...for a price?

**Jared**: Why shouldn't I? Or I could tell London...

**Scorpius**: You must be kidding, right?

**Jared**: I'm not, Scor. I will be telling London if you don't do something for me...(_that night, London, Jared, and Kenny are watching Albus and Scorpius kissing like maniacs_)

**London**: I knew they couldn't stop, Jare. Here you go. (_she hands Jared a small bag_)

**Jared**: London! I knew you set them up!

**Kenny**: And that wasn't as right as Jacques and you, Lo!

**Jared**: Ken, don't tease London about Jacques! You don't even know if they're dating!

**London**: Yeah, Ken! Leave us (and them) alone!

**Kenny**: Hmmm, yeah, sure, OK, whatever...(_taking one last look at the happy couple before the trio went to their dorms to turn in for the night_)

**Claire**: And that's how the next story of the third Potter/Malfoy pairing went. Any questions?

**Malfoy**: Uh, yeah. I'm confused here: if Al and Score were set up by London...

**Julia**: And Jared knew about it...

**Harry**: What the flip are you doing?

**Claire**: Me? I'm writing your son's story since Joanne was too lazy to finish it.

**Harry**: Hmmm. Well, that, good. Will you be doing that as a series?

**Claire**: Perhaps. (_to audience_) Thanks for watching the show! See you soon with more embarrasing stories!

* * *

****

Al and Score have learned nothing from their fathers and grandfathers

1. There is no way Rose could ever be smart like Hermione, who really was a bookworm.

2. Al and Score are not rivals like their fathers were.

3. Jared appears to be more mature than Julia and Joanna ever were.

4. Jacques shoots down anyone who dares to compare him to his mother, Jacquel.

And now for the next thing in this story: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**?

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _Harry Potter on Crack_

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	36. Harry Potter on Crack

**Claire**: I am about to stop writing _Harry Potter_ fanfiction, but don't worry, this story will be finished!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

****

Harry Potter on Crack

**Voldemort**: I've been called "_pervert_", "_sicko_", "_madman_", "_maniac_", "_monster_".  
**Harry**: F**k you!  
(scene change)

**Harry**: Captain, may I have a word with you-  
**Dumbledore**: No.  
**Harry**: It's an emergency, sir...  
**Dumbledore**: Come back when it's a catastrophe! (_Hogwarts blows up_)  
(scene change)

**Ron**: (_to Harry_) Well, life goes on...except for you, buddy! (_laughs_)  
(scene change)

**Harry**: (_to Ron_) Forget it, Ron, it's Hogwarts.  
(scene change)

**Jacquel**: (_to Hermione_) I heard that you were dating that loser. You're the queen bee of the school! What are you thinking? You're throwing away your future!  
(scene change)

**Jacquel**: You used to be big, Harry. What happened?  
**Harry**: I AM big! It's just the books have gotten smaller (and shorter)!  
(scene change)

**Umbridge**: And you children will be silent at all times...  
**Stacey**: LOUD NOISES!  
(scene change)

**Jacquel**: (_after witnessing a muggle getting killed by Bellatrix_) Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit doing magic.  
(scene change)

**Harry**: (_as a baby; to the tune of Stewie from "Family Guy"_) Mom. Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama Mama Mama Mum Mum Mum Mum Mummy Mummy Mummy Mummy Mummy Mom Mom Mommy Mommy...  
**Lily P**: WHAT?  
**Harry**: Hi. (_laughs hysterically_)  
(scene change)

**Riley**: Tell me something, my friend. You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?  
**Jacquel**: (_to Riley_) Damn you; you're one of them, aren't you? What are they paying you? I'll double it! I'll give you whatever you want! Money! Women! Men?  
(scene change)

**Beterli**: Ok, what was THAT back there?  
(scene change)

**Leah Clearwater**: (_to Hermione_) Now look here you little bookreading brat, I'm giving you to the count of 3 to get that ugly face of yours out of that book and if you're still reading after I get done, I'm gonna rip your head off and feed you to the Cullens!  
(scene change)

**Harry**: (to Ginny) Now let me get this straight: The White House reception committee greeted the Prime Rib Roast Minister and I do the Cha-Cha like a sissy girl...  
(scene change)

**Voldemort**: (slow laugh)  
(scene change)

**Jacquel, Julia, & Stacey**: (_singing to Harry_) You are an idiot, hahahahahahahahahahaha!  
(scene change)

**Dumbledore**: (_to Jacquel_) Your grandfather was a deformed monster!  
**Jacquel**: Say '_those words_' again! SAY '_THOSE WORDS_' AGAIN! I dare you! I double dare you, you stupid dumbss! Say '_those words_' one more Goddamn time!  
(scene change)

**Dumbledore**: You will obey me, or this defiant breath will be your last!  
**Jacquel**: (_pulls out her wand_) I'll be thinking about that when I'm at your grave.  
(scene change)

**Dumbledore**: (_to Carlisle_) Her grandfather was a deformed monster...  
**Carlisle**: I wish you could just shut your big YAPPER!  
(scene change)

**Carlisle**: (_to Jacquel_) Jacquelyn, next time someone asks you if you're a wizard, you say NO!  
(scene change)

**Harry**: (to Lucius) 2 4 6 8 you suck, I'm great! Hahahahahaha!  
(scene change)

**Jacquel**: (_to Harry_) You're on MY team, understand that? I am not on yours. And your ego's writin' checks that your body can't cash.  
(scene change)

"_GRYFFINDORS NEVER SAY DIE_!"  
(scene change)

**Charlie Bone**: Charlie Bone...  
**Harry**: Harry Potter...  
**Charlie**: Charlie Bone...  
**Harry**: Harry Potter...  
**Bella Swan, Seth Clearwater, Leah Clearwter, Embry Call, Olivia Vertigo, Fidelio Gunn, & Gabriel Silk**: Harry Potter sucks, he really really sucks! Harry Potter sucks, he really really sucks!  
**Harry**: No, it's not true! You don't mean that!  
(scene change)

**Harry**: Just how popular is that stupid Charlie Bone, anyway?**  
Jaden**: (to Harry) IT'S OVER 9,000!  
(scene change)

**Voldemort**: WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER?  
**Stacey**: It is I, Ansem, the Seeker of...  
**Gabriel**: The La Push Wolves! (_screeching halt_)  
(scene change)

**Stacey**: (_to Harry_) You know the difference between you and me? I make this look good.  
(scene change)

**Jacquel**: When I die, I want to go peacefully like that poor old homeless man did, in his sleep - not screaming, like my grandparents did in that bus that ran him over!  
(scene change)

**Snape**: (_to Harry after he read Dumbledore's diary entry, which degraded Jacquel and her family_) Mr. Potter, what you've just read is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul!  
(scene change)

(this is how it should have gone in "_Something Wicked this Way Comes_")  
**Dumbledore**: Morning...  
**Jacquel**: Good day to you, sir...(_reads note from McGonagall_) _He's your father and he raped your mother and forced her to conceive you and then he killed her and sent you to live with your stupid cousin_...(_glares at Dumbledore_) Hey, wait a minute; WHAT THE HELL? (_Dumbledore screams as she beats him up_)  
(scene change)

**Jacquel**: I'm leaving Hogwarts and I'm never coming back. (she leaves)  
**Harry, Ron, Hermione, & Neville**: Come back, Jacquel!  
(scene change)

**Snape**: Simon says...shoot him down like a dog! (_Dumbledore is zapped_)  
(scene change)

**Harry**: (_to Lord Voldemort_) So, Lord Voldemort, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time.  
(scene change)

(_one huge battle later; Voldemort defeats Harry_)

**Voldemort**: (_to Harry_) It's official...YOU SUCK!

**

* * *

You can tell that I'm getting sick and tired of Harry Potter, right?**

1. Found it in a YouTube video. Movie unclear.

2. Came from a YouTube video. Movie unclear.

3. Quote from "Family Guy"

4. Quote from "Chinatown"

5. quote created by me

6. Quote from "Sunset Blvd"

7. Stacey shouting "LOUD NOISES" came from iCarly.

8. Quote from "Airplane!"

9. Quotes from "Family Guy"

10. Riley came from "Twilight" and his quote came from "Batman (1989)". Jacquel's response came from "Family Guy"

11. quote created by me

12. Leah's quote telling Hermione off came from "Full Metal Jacket"

13. Quote came from Monty Pythons

14. soundbyte

15. another soundbyte

16. Jacquel's quote telling Dumbledore off came from "Pulp Fiction"

17. Dumbledore's quote came from Avatar: The Last Airbender (cartoon). Jacquel's response was a "Dirty Harry" quote.

18. Carlisle response comes from a Chris Farley movie.

19. Carlisle's quote comes from Ghostsbusters.

20. Harry's quote comes from "The Simpsons"

21. Quote comes from "The Goonies"

22. Charlie Bone vs. Harry Potter quote comes from "The Waterboy"

23. Jaden's response to Harry is a "Dragon Ball Z" quote.

24. Voldemort's quote comes from "Aladdin". Stacey's quote comes from "Kingdom Hearts"

25. Stacey's quote comes from "Men in Black"

26. quote unknown

27. Snape's quote comes from "Billy Madison"

28. Quotes come from "Family Guy"

29. Quote comes from "Shane"

30. Quote unknown

31. Quote from "Spaceballs"

32. soundbyte (Darth Vader version)

One more fact: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**?

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _How Prisoner of Azkaban Should Have Ended_

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	37. How Book 3 Should Have Ended

**Claire**: I am about to stop writing _Harry Potter_ fanfiction, but don't worry, this story will be finished!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**How Book 3 Should Have Ended**

**Claire**: (_very dramatic_) How Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban Should Have Ended...

(_Everyone is in the Shrieking Shack_)

**Sirius**: We should kill him! (_Wormtail freaks out_)

**Lupin**: Yes, lets. (_they raise their wands_)

**Harry**: Uh, no. Maybe we should turn hm in.

**Jacquel**: Not right now.

**All**: Why not?

**Jacquel**: It's a full moon tonight. We shold wait until morning.

**Ron**: SERIOUSLY, Jacquel. You just keep getting weirder and weirder!

**Hermione**: She knows what she's doing, Ron.

**Harry**: Well, morning sounds great.

(_the next morning_...)

**Snape**: Aha! I caught you two! It's Azkaban for you!

**Lupin**: Now Severus, you can't just haul us off to Azkaban without sufficient evidence.

**Snape**: And I say you should be grateful, for if Miss Romanov didn't notice the tell-tale signs that you were a werewolf, things would have been worse.

**Sirius**: Shut the hell up!

**Snape**: Very well then. (_he gathers the kids and they all return to Hogwarts_)

(_confronting Fudge_)

**Fudge**: You mean to tell me tha Sirius Black was set up by Peter Pettigrew, who betrayed the Potters to Lord Voldemort and killed 13 people with a single curse?

**Harry**: That's true.

**Fudge**: I see.

**Jacquel**: So will you admit you made a terrible mistake?

**Fudge**: Well, I'll be humiliated and people will say bad things about me, but yes, I will.

**Dumbledore**: Very well then. I suppose we have much to do then.

(_a few evenings later_...)

**Dumbledore**: Unfortunately, Slytherin has won the house cup, again...(_Slytherins mock as everyone else boos_) But then again, Harry Potter and Jacquel Romanov are being commended for bringing a man to justice and for telling us that our justice system is broken.

**Lupin**: And I'm leaving Hogwarts at the end of this term and taking Jacquelyn with me. She's my daughter.

**All**: WHAT?

* * *

****

Unneeded and unnecessary

If ONLY JKR had decided that Sirius needed to tell the truth about that night instead of hiding like a coward, the story would have been better. But NOOOOO, she just HAD to throw in the Time-Turner nonsense and stuff like that. There comes a time when an opportunity to change an abused child's occurs and she never saw that. That's why the series kind of went downhill for Harry.

And another thing: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**?

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _Who's Your Daddy, part 5_

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	38. Who's Your Daddy Part 5

**Claire**: I am about to stop writing _Harry Potter_ fanfiction, but don't worry, this story will be finished!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**Who's Your Daddy Part 5**

**Claire**: Jacquel now wants to leave Hogwarts and attend another boarding school, and Wormtail, Lucius, and Lupin panic, not knowing what Dumbledore is planning for her...

**Jacquel**: I want to leave to Hogwarts!

**Lupin**: Why would you want to do that?

**Jacquel**: We know I don't belong at Hogwarts!

**Lupin**: I'm going to firmly insist that you remain at Hogwarts whether you like it or not. (_Jacquel groans_)

**Wormtail**: (_shows up_) You could have just sent her to Oceloteczema Academy of Advanced Conjuration, but noooooo, you didn't listen to me! Now she's miserable and we both know why!

**Lupin**: And why would she be miserable anyway, Wormtail?

**Lucius**: Because she found out about what Dumbledore did to her family.

**Lupin**: Nobody asked you, you self-absorbed rich jerk!

**Dumbledore**: Why is she quitting Hogwarts? Her family got what they deserved!

**Lucius**: And what did they deserve, oh Great Headmaster?

**Wormtail**: Yes, what DID Irene do to deserve a brutal early death?

**Dumbledore**: She chose to be the child of that deformed monster! That's what she did!

**Lupin**: How can you say something like that? Irene never chose to become Paul's daughter, she was just born his daughter. And Jacquelyn never chose me as her father; I was her father because of my affair with Irene.

**Lucius**: So no one chooses who can and cannot be their father.

**Lupin**: And because of that, I'm taking my daughter to another school, where the headmaster WILL respect her!

**Wormtail**: And you can't say a damn thing about it unless you want what you did to Jacquelyn's family to come out...

**Dumbledore**: Very well then. You can take her if you want to.

**Lucius**: That's right, let her go without a fuss. (_to Jacquel_) Pack your bags, you're leaving Hogwarts!

**Jacquel**: So, where am I going?

**Wormtail**: Away from HIM, of course!

**Lupin**: And you won't be coming back here. (_He takes Jacquel and they leave_)

**Lucius**: Well, sadly, you have lost a good student, no thanks to your own stupidity!

**Wormtail**: And don't even THINK of trying to take her back!

**Dumbledore**: *SIGH* And you wouldn't stop pestering me about her? What have I done?

* * *

**Dumbledore Should Get What He Deserves**

1. No one seems to have forgiven or forgotten what Dumbledore did to Jacquel's family.

2. And besides, there's tons of magical schools for Jacquel to attend, anyway!

And now for the final question in this daddy drama: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**?

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _Harry Potter Uncut, part 3_

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	39. Harry Potter Uncut 3

**Claire**: I am about to stop writing _Harry Potter_ fanfiction, but don't worry, this story will be finished!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**Harry Potter Uncut 3 **

**Claire Violet Thorpe**: And now for a stupid moment...

**Jacquel**: I've got a fun song for you guys to hear!

**All**: What is it?

**Jacquel**: Here it is... (_music begins_)

_How do I spell depression? D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S, that's how!  
__How do I spell disappointment? D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S, that's true!  
How do I spell epic fail? D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S, that's right!  
How do I spell "**insult to the fantasy genre?**" D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S, that's how!_

**Ron**: You gotta be kidding me!

**Hermione**: Must you abuse that poor book?

**Stacey**: Shut up, you two! Let the girl sing here!

**Jaden**: Yeah! And besides, the book is stupid, distasteful and I think the whole series was a slap in the face of fantasy! So Jacquel can say whatever the hell she wants to say about the book. And y'all ain't even about TO SHUT HER UP! (_to Jacquel_) Go ahead, Jacquel.

**Jacquel**: (_singing again_)

_How do I spell depression? D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S, that's how!  
How do I spell disappointment? D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S, that's true!  
How do I spell epic fail? D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S, that's right!  
How do I spell "**insult to the fantasy genre?**" D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S, that's how! _

_What are you supposed to do / when the the series you love has failed you / and the final book gave you the middle finger / what was that? D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S! I was super angry / I was trapped in a car in a ditch / and I knew all along that Dumbledore was a total dick! Nobody believed me / they slapped lies and labels on me / but guess who's getting the last laugh in? ME! And that's because I did the right thing and kept myself out of D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S! _

_D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S, the suckiest book in history!  
D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S, Breaking Dawn was so much better! _

_In that book, the bad guys get arrested Monty Python style / But I don't think that would ever work in D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S! _

_D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S the biggest epic fail in the history of the fantasy genre!  
D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S, that book never should have been written in the first place! _

_And if this song does not make you want to toss your Harry Potter stuff / then I suggest that you must see Dr. Phil immediately / That book has robbed us of so many great things / so it's time for us to find the next big thing / and put the books where they belong, like in the garbage can! D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S, D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S, D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S, D-E-A-T-H-L-Y-H-A-L-L-O-W-S!_

**Ron**: Wow! I never knew you to be a book-basher!

**Hermione**: And who knew Breaking Dawn could have such a weird a$$ed ending like that?

**Jacquel**: Think Monty Pythons, Hermione. Monty Pythons can make ANYTHING funny!

**Stacey**: Like when you set the killer bunny on those Racebenders?

**Jaden**: Best moment ever!

**Ron**: And that picture of Kanye West "_burning_" James Cameron's "_Avatar_"? CLASSIC!

**Jacquel**: Now you know.

**

* * *

**

**I Don't Even THINK this is worthy of a song at all!**

1. He/She who STILL likes Harry Potter AFTER that flop of a story needs serious professional help.

2. The Monty Pythons can't even prevent the "Crapilogue" from happening.

3. And no matter how cool "Avatar" was, Aang is the real Avatar.

And now for the final part in this UNCUT series: ****

**WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**?

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

**

* * *

**

Next time: _Pairings That Should Have Happened_

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	40. Top 10 Pairings That Should Have Happene

**Claire**: I had just realized that it has been 3 years to the day that I have begun this story, which is kind of ironic because I am about to stop writing _Harry Potter_ fanfiction for good. But don't worry, this story will be finished!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**Top 10 Pairings That Should Have Happened**

Feeling ripped off by JKR in terms of pairings of your favorite characters? Come here and read up on pairings that I think should have happened...

10. Remus Lupin & Sirius Black

9. Albus Dumbledore & Minerva McGonagall

8. Bill Weasley & Nymphadora Tonks

7. Draco Malfoy & Hermione Granger

6. Ron Weasley & Luna Lovegood

5. Neville Longbottom & Luna Lovegood

4. Neville Longbottom & Ginny Weasley

3. Harry Potter & Cho Chang

2. Harry Potter & Luna Lovegood

1. Harry Potter & Hermione Granger**  
**

**

* * *

**

And WHY didn't these pairings happen?

RL/SB: Because JKR made Remus marry Tonks and we all knew he and Sirius were gay for each other

AD/MM: We weren't buying the whole "_Dumbledore and Grindelwald were gay for each other_" thing. And besides, Dumbledore and McGonagall belong together

BW/NT: OK, this was all Mrs. Weasley's idea

DM/HG: We love DraMione!

RW/LL: Why didn't this pairing happen?

NL/LL: This pairing should have happened

HP/GW: This pairing should have happened

HP/CC: Maybe it was because of the 5th Harry Potter

HP/LL: This pairing should have happened; she just seemed to be right for him

HP/HG: We had wanted this pairing for so many years, but JKR gave us the middle finger and put Harry with Ginny and Hermione with Ron; relationships that just aren't healthy.

**And some honorable mentions:**

1. Hermione Granger & Victor Krum

2. Ron Weasley & Susan Bones

3. Harry Potter & Pavrati Patil

4. Rubeus Hagrid & Olympe Maxime

5. And the final pairing we all agree on is: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Fred Weasley, & ME, because YOU'VE BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY!

****

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

**

* * *

**

Next time: _Still Another Potter/Malfoy Hookup!_

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	41. Still Another PotterMalfoyFangirl Situ

**Claire**: Well, the end of the Potter/Malfoy/Fangirl Story has come!

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This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**Still Another Potter/Malfoy/Fangirl Situation**

**Claire**: And now for the final story in the Potter/Malfoy pairing: Albus Severus and Scorpius, in which the boys get themselves busted on graduation night.

**Malfoy**: Oh no she didn't!

**Harry**: Yes, she did!

**Julia**: And what about Jared?

**Claire**: You'll see...

(_scene change_)

**Rose**: Wasn't London's speech just inspiring?

**Jacques**: Yeah. It made my mind soar. And my butt sore as well.

**Scorpius**: You two aren't complaining. I've had to sit next to Miss Ugly-Faced Birtny Mettford and she annoyed me to no end!

**Jacques**: Sad, isn't it?

**Scorpius**: To me, she's just gonna end up fat and ugly and alone.

**London**: Don't say stuff like that, Score. That'll hurt her feelings.

**Jacques**: What if Score's telling the truth?

**London**: So now he's the honest one?

**Albus**: Yeah. I mean, with his family's sucky reputation and whatnot, who knows if Score's telling the truth.

**London**: Yeah. That's true. Who wants to mess with her? (_all but Albus and Scorpius leave_)

**Albus**: Uh, Score?

**Scorpius**: Yeah, Al?

**Albus**: Well...

**Scorpius**: What is it, Al?

**Albus**: I don't know. I mean, now that we're here, I have no idea what to do with myself. I can't go with my family; I'm not about to face my mom and her new so-called "boyfriend".

**Scorpius**: Well, would you like to talk about that?

**Albus**: No. I'm going to bed right now before I say something that's mean and hurtful. (_he makes to leave, but Scorpius stops him_)

**Scorpius**: Al, you need to talk about this. It's one thing that your mother left your father and took up with some else, but it's cruel for you to ignore her.

**Albus**: I don't even know if I can call her my mother anymore, Score; not how she treated me and my father, or the rest of our family. I mean...I just, you know, can't see her as my mother anymore.

**Scorpius**: I know you're having a hard time dealing with your parent's divorce, but you can't just let it get to you.

**Albus**: Why can't I be angry?

**Scorpius**: Right now, it's our graduation night. And we know what this means, right? (just then Albus pounces on Scorpius and they kiss. A short while later Jared shows up)

**Jared**: (_walks in and sees Albus and Scorpius kissing_) Get a room, you two!

**Albus**: Jared?

**Jared**: Albus Severus Potter, I know what you're doing! Now you and Score need to find a room; Lo and the others are coming and we're gonna play Truth or Dare!

**Scorpius**: Really?

**Jared**: Yeah! Now get going before I tell her I tell her everything! (_Albus and Scorpius leave. London, Kenny, Jacques, and Rose show up_)

**Jacques**: You think they would know when to quit.

**London**: Uh, how do you know?

**Rose**: Their fathers and grandfathers used to like each other and then Jared's mother and grandmother used to call them out on it.

**Jared**: Yeah, it's true.

**Kenny**: So, can we watch them make out?

**All**: NO!

**Kenny**: I was just saying...

**London**: Who wants to play "Truth or Dare"? (_they all settle in a circle, completely forgetting the boys who were busy making out_)

**Claire**: And that's how the story of the third Potter/Malfoy pairing ends. Any questions?

**Malfoy**: Uh, yeah. So do they ever find out the truth?

**Claire**: Nope.

**Julia**: And Jared knew about it and yet she said nothing?

**Harry**: Man, you're making me look bad and Ginny even worse! Why are you doing that?.

**Claire**: Because your story sucked and I'm punishing you for that.

**Julia**: Can you give us a preview of the next generation while you're at it?

**Claire**: Well...let's just imagine that Castor Malfoy (son of Scorpius Malfoy & Rose Weasley) and Thomas Potter (son of Albus-Severus Potter & London Reynolds) were caught making out by AnnaJade Willardson (daughter of Jared Weasley and Michael Willardson).

**Harry**: What?

**Draco**: What?

**Julia**: What?

**Claire**: Clearly, history repeats itself. So now you know!

* * *

**Well, these things happen all the time**:

1. Al's parents divorce and Al isn't too happy about it.

2. London claimed that she saw the divorce happening and warned Al.

3. Jared knew when to quit yelling at the boys. Julia and Joanna did not.

4. Unfortunately, Al, Score, and Jared's children carried that tradition.

And now for the next thing in this story: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**?

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _Harry Potter & the Next Generation_

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	42. History kind of Repeated Itself

**Claire**: Why does history repeat itself?

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This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**History (kind of) Repeated Itself**

_They say that those who don't remember the past are doomed to repeat it, but what if they tried to hide and destroy the past? Now what?_

**Claire Violet Thorpe**: Well here's what I think might have happened...

1. Teddy was a baby when his parents were killed at the Battle of Hogwarts.

2. He is raised by his relatives and Harry.

3. A poor, lowly, hated girl is almost the carbon copy of Jacquel Romanov.

4. Albus-Severus and Scorpius Rivalry

5. Albus-Severus and Scorpius romance

6. Scorpius and Rose romance

7. "_Golden Trio_" syndrome

8. The gang marries their childhood sweethearts.

9. Jacques Ulrich is the best fanfiction character in the story.

10. And Hogwarts still exists WHY?

* * *

**Answer to top question: Because nobody ever learns anything!**:

1. Dang it, history repeated itself! That was totally unfair for the Lupin family.

2. Another useless cliche in this story...will we NEVER have a story without an orphan as the main hero?

3. Jared Weasley isn't exactly like Jacquel at all, save for the fact that she has no parents and the Weasleys took her in. But no one was allowed to treat Jacquel well, and as for Jared, let's just say she had a better childhood than Jacquel ever did.

4. Haven't we seen enough of the Harry/Draco rivalry?

5. Harry/Draco should have happened.

6. Hermione/Draco should have happened.

7. We're so sick of those words and that group that we could scream! Like, why on earth did JKR invent that term anyway?

8. Like seriously, does anyone actually marry the people they dated in middle school/high school? NO! Sometimes in life, we all must lose touch with those we went to school with, our friends, or those we once dated and then make new friends and marry someone OTHER than the guy/girl you dated in high school. Maybe if JKR wrote the epilogue based on real life experiences, then it would be so much better than what we have now.

9. WHY? And how did he end up upstaging Al, Score, and Rose in the first place? Or better yet, why not make him a carbon copy of Jacquel Romanov and spare Jared that painful experience?

10. They should have shut the place down ages ago. Like, why on earth would you send your kid to a school with a painful past? and they should have stopped sorting students AGES ago!

And now for the next thing in this story: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**?

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _Save the Drama for your Daddy_

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	43. Who's Your Daddy Final Chapter

**Claire**: Here's the "AHA!" moment that'll leave you wanting more! So who really IS Jacquel's father?

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**Who's Your Daddy Final Chapter**

(_the story about Jacquel's father concludes_...)

**Claire**: Jacquel (_now 16 years old_) has her heart broken by Harry and leaves Hogwarts, and Wormtail, Lucius, and Lupin panic at the thought of never seeing her again...

**Jacquel**: I don't want to be here another second!

**Lupin**: Why not, Jacquel?

**Jacquel**: You saw what happened: Harry betrayed me!

**Lupin**: But Jacquel, it was only just a kiss, OK? It wan't like he cheated on you or anything like that!

**Wormtail**: (_shows up_) Don't lie to her, Remus! I saw him and that Ginny Weasley going at it. Harry is a liar and a cheater!

**Lupin**: How could you say that about Harry? Harry, the son of your best friend James!

**Lucius**: Harry is no son of James!

**Lupin**: Nobody asked you, you self-absorbed rich jerk!

**Jacquel**: Don't try to argue, you know Harry hurt me!

**Lucius**: Only because he thinks you're the girl he should be with and he's been with several other girls.

**Wormtail**: It's very true. I saw him with Hermione, Susan, Pavrati, and Romilda in one evening.

**Lucius**: He really doesn't care about you at all.

**Lupin**: But this is Harry Potter! Why are you suggesting to my daughter that he's nothing but a chronic cheater?

**Jacquel**: Because he is! That's one reason why I'm leaving Hogwarts!

**Lupin**: And the other reason is because of Dumbledore?

**Jacquel**: Yes!

**Wormtail**: I told you she'd find out!

**Lucius**: And not only that, Jacquelyn would find out that you are her father! Or was it me?

**Wormtail**: No, it was me. I'm sure of it.

**Lupin**: You're not her father, Peter! Must we go through this again?

**Lucius**: Or suppose Dumbledore could be Jacquelyn's father...

**Wormtail & Lupin**: Not in this life!

**Lucius**: It would have been nice if that Limpett jerk was her father. That way, we could have guilt-tripped him into staying here and raising Jacquelyn!

**Lupin**: And he woud have found a loophole and ran off, leaving US to raise her. Either way, he still would have left Jacquel.

**Jacquel**: Well, since things are going to be like that, I'm going out and tell that lying dumba$$ that I NEVER want to see him anymore! (she storms out)

**Wormtail**: I don't believe this! Jacquel walked out on us!

**Lupin**: I know! And I thought she was worried about her old piano being damaged!

**Lucius**: It seemed like only yesterday we fought over who was her father when she was a baby.

**Wormtail**: They grow up so fast...

**Lupin**: Yes, they do. Now we must find her and...(_Harry shows up_) You better have a good reason as to why my daughter walked away!

**Harry**: I can explain about Ginny!

**Wormtail**: It's too late, Harry James Potter! Jacquelyn is gone and there's nothing you can do about it!

**Lucius**: I would advise you to return to that stalker and stay away from my precious Jacquelyn!

**Wormtail**: No, Lucius, she's MY little Jacquelyn!

**Lupin**: She's mine, I tell you both!

**Harry**: But what if I told you that I wanted to tell her I'm sorry?

**Wormtail**: Forget it, Harry! You ruined her life. She is NEVER coming back here! And it's all your fault!

**Lucius**: You hurt Jacquelyn, so you will bear the consequences of yor stupidity!

**Lupin**: And she never wants to see you again! Dumbledore put you up to this, did he not?

**Dumbledore**: Don't drag me into this! I had nothing to do with it!

**Lupin**: Don't lie, Albus! YOU started this mess with Jacquelyn, and you're going to end it by telling the truth about Irene!

* * *

(_One year later_...)

**Claire**: Jacquel is now 17 years old and is now living in Forks, Washington. Wormtail, Lucius, and Lupin catch her...

**Lupin**: Are you even sure this is the right place?

**Lucius**: We better hope this person knew what he was talking about. I hate this dreary town.

**Lupin**: Tell me about it.

**Wormtail**: We can't give up and leave. Jacquelyn is still out there. We need closure.

**Lupin**: Speaking of that, there she is! (_Jacquel is spotted with ANOTHER man_) Jacquelyn?

**Jacquel**: Surprised to see me?

**Wormtail**: Yes we are! Where have you been? We've been looking for you an entire year!

**Lucius**: You gave everyone a fright when you aruptly disappeared!

**Jacquel**: Oh, did I? Well, good for me! They didn't need me back there anyway.

**Lupin**: So, why are you here?

**Lucius**: And who's your friend?

**Jacquel**: Carlisle Cullen, of course!

**Lupin**: Hmmm, you leave Hogwarts and live with VAMPIRES?

**Carlisle**: Yes, she does. You do know that I adopted her YEARS before you three even thought of her! So there!

**Lupin**: What? I'm a werewolf! Give me back my daughter!

**Lucius**: She's mine as well!

**Wormtail**: She's as good as mine!

**Carlisle**: Let me think about that for a second...NO! You three are unfit to be her father!

**Jacquel**: What?

**Lupin**: Why not?

**Carlisle**: Because you spent her 17 years fighting over who fathered her and never even once raised her. I did that on my own! (Esme clears her throat-totally unneccesary) With some help from my family, of course!

**Wormtail**: So what does this mean?

**Esme**: That any man can become a father, but it takes a special man to become a dad. Carlisle was a dad to Jacquelyn while you only concerned yourselves with who was her father.

**Lupin**: So do we get her back?

**Carlisle & Esme**: NO! (_they take Jacquel and leave_)

**Wormtail**: Well, this sucks!

* * *

**Well, Not What We Were Hoping For...**:

1. I think it was majorly wrong for Harry to hook up with Ginny and Jacquel was right to leave Hogwarts due to Harry's arrogance.

2. Also, Harry and Jacquel weren't meant to be together to begin with.

3. The part about Carlisle adopting Jacquel when she was a baby came from "Something Wicked This Way Comes".

4. Esme couldn't have been more right when she said only a real man can become a "dad" and not just a "father".

5. And unfortunately, we'll never really know who Jacquel's father was.

And now for the next thing in this story: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**?

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _Who is Teddy Lupin?_

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	44. Teddy Who?

**Claire**: After realizing that JKR skipped over Teddy's Hogwarts years, I decided to write his story...

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**Teddy Who?**

_Jacquel may have a brother named Sameth, but who the heck is Teddy Lupin? Surely he can't be her brother at all, not if we don't know who Jacquel's father was!_

**Teddy**: What do you mean I am not Jacquel's brother?

**Announcer**: You apparently don't share the same DNA with her.

**Teddy**: SERIOUSLY!

**Woman in back of studio**: Then who are you?

**Teddy**: Teddy Lupin, the son of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks, and godson of Harry Potter. Is that what you want to hear?

**Audience**: NOOOOO! We want your story!

**Teddy**: What story?

**Random man**: The story about you attending Hogwarts.

**Teddy**: But she never wrote my story...

**Audience**: WHAT? YOU MEAN TO TELL US THAT SHE NEVER WROTE YOUR STORY? (_JKR is spotted outside_)

**Man in audience**: There she is!

**Others**: GET HER! (_they chase after JKR, demanding answers as to why she never wrote Teddy Lupin's story. I appear and say_)

**Claire Violet Thorpe**: I have your story, in which you do dangerous stuff in Hogwarts and you find out that the war that killed your parents was stupid and pointless.

**Teddy**: When can I read it?

**Claire Violet Thorpe**: When I've gotten it all knocked into place. And I have to go back and re-edit the first story; I didn't like how it turned out at all, too much like Harry Potter.

**Teddy**: Can I at least see the rough draft?

**Claire Violet Thorpe**: NO! Not until I'm finished with it! But you can see that there's other stories about you out there, on FanFiction(.)Net.

**Teddy**: Yay!

**Claire Violet Thorpe**: Back to the grind with me...

* * *

**Teddy Lupin, you say? So, where's his story?**:

After all the hype about Deathly Hallows cooled down drastically, I realized that something was wrong, such as we never got the chance to hear Teddy's story at all. I know people are probably wondering to themselves what happened to Teddy during his years at Hogwarts? What house was he placed in? Did he ever learn ANYTHING about his parents at all?

Those questions (and my disappointment at the crapilogue) led me to writing my own series called "The Life & Times of Teddy Lupin". In it, Teddy is the main star of the series and during the seven years that he is in Hogwarts, he must do dangerous things such as rescuing kidnapped children and solving mysteries and also discovering how hi past and Harry Potter are connected.

And even then that won't replace the crap we were force-fed from Rowling.

And now for the next thing in this story: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**?

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _How It Should End..._

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	45. How Book 4 Should Have Ended

**Claire**: Ok, I know I hear the "_ENOUGH WITH THE CEDRIC/EDWARD THING_" but can I help it? No!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**How Book 4 Should Have Ended**

**Claire**: (_very dramatic_) How _Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire_ Should Have Ended...

(_right after Cedric dies and Harry fights Lord Voldemort and escapes_)

**Dumbledore**: Last night, we received word of a terrible tragedy and today, we are experiencing a terrible loss. One of our students has been murdered. (_all gasp_) And while the Minister doesn't want you to know the truth behind how he died, I feel that for you to not know the truth would be an insult to his memory. Therefore you all have the right to know how he died. Cedric Diggory was murdered by Lord Voldemort. (_students groan. some of the girls start crying_) And that is quite an unfortunate event indeed in the history of Hogwarts.

**Nelena**: Yeah, whatever.

**Dumbledore**: Cedric was a brave and loyal student and we will miss him terribly.

**Nelena**: Yeah, whatever.

**Dumbledore**: But now he is gone, and yet he taught us one thing: while we all may come from different worlds and have different views about magic, we all have the same heart. And so, we dedicate this evening to a student who gave his life for the good of the wizarding world.

**Nelena**: Yeah, whatever.

**Jacquel**: Say that one more time and I'll come over there and beat the crap out of you! (_Edward shows up. everyone gasps_) Edward? Why are you here?

**Cho**: Cedric? You're alive?

**Edward**: I'm not Cedric. I'm Edward Cullen.

**Jacquel**: Hey! I remember you! You're a vampire!

**Cho**: Cedric's a vampire?

**Hermione**: No, Cho. It's Edward Cullen from _Twilight_.

**Edward**: Where is Harry?

**Cho**: Why?

**Edward**: I have a bone to pick with him.

**Ron**: Why?

**Harry**: What did I do?

**Edward**: You left me to die!

**Harry**: How?

**Edward**: This...

(_flashback_)

**Voldemort**: Avada Kevadra! (_Cedric falls down dead_)

**Harry**: Nooooooo! Cedric! (_Cedric dies. Carlisle sees him_)

**Carlisle**: Oh, this is injustice! The cute boy doesn't deserve to die! I shall fix that! (_he bites Cedric and changes him_)

**Cedric**: Who are you, and more importantly, who am I?

**Carlisle**: I'm Carlisle Cullen, vampire extraordinaire. I'm also a doctor.

**Cedric**: Really?

**Carlisle**: Of course I am. Now, no more Cedric; it's a stupid name! You'll be known as Edward Cullen, mindreading extraodinaire. You'll wear the coolest shirts and become a vampire.

**Cedric**: What? No wiazrd powers?

**Carlisle**: No! Wizards are stupid and they are evil! Only a vampire can do cool stuff like your mindreadng. Now let's go show everyone how awesome you are!

(_flashback ends_)

**Edward**: Now you know. (_notices Jacquel_) And what are YOU doing here?

**Jacquel**: Blame the Volturi; they're a bunch of stupid punks to begin with and Caius wanted to be "_more that just friends_" with me...

**Caius**: Oh no you did-ent!

**Harry**: She just did!

**Edward**: You didn't care about me; you left me to die! Now I'm gonna give you what for! (_pounces on Harry and attacks him_)

**Harry**: Help me, Jacquel!

**Jacquel**: No way, Harry! When this ends, you'll be riding a horse nude on Broadway and girls will love Cedric and hate you for allowing him to die!

**Malfoy**: And you just wanted to get into Cho's pants!

**Jacquel**: Nobody asked you, Evil Faith!

**Voldemort**: Well, I never should have killed that boy in the first place.

**Carlisle**: Oh, so it was YOU who killed him? I usually don't condone violence, but you are a lost cause! (_jumps on Voldemort and rips his head off_)

**Kids**: EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!

**Aro**: Oh Carlisle! You're so gorgeous when you're covered in blood! (_Jacquel slaps him across his face_) Why did you hit me like that? You're so mean! (_starts crying_)

**Jacquel**: Don't even go there, Aro! (_meanwhile, Harry is getting his butt kicked by Edward_)

**Harry**: I'm sorry I let you die!

**Bella:** Too late, Potter! A real friend would fight to the death to keep him alive! You fail, and so do that retarded redhead jerk and that stupid bucktoothed nerd girl sitting next to you!

**Neville**: Do I fail?

**Jacob**: Nope. You go all badass in the finale. And Jacquel marries the blond haired vampire jerk.

**Caius**: Yes!

**Jacquel**: What?

**Fred & Magnus**: Noooooo!

* * *

**A slow and painful death...**:

Just so we all know, Robert Pattinson was in BOTH _Harry Potter_ & _Twilight_! And we all know that he sucked as a wizard, but did he make a great vampire or what?

And yes, Jacob ruined the ending of "_Something Wicked This Way Comes_". Shame on him!

We still can't stop with DanRad being nude in _Equus_.

And now for the next thing in this story: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**?

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _Al's story is being told..._

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	46. Tell Me Another One

**Claire**: And since JKR left off with Al's story hanging, I might as well finish it.

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**Harry Potter & the Next Generation**

**Claire**: The Next Generation? Please! Whatever happened to _Harry Potter, the College Years_? Ok, we're gonna have a problem here! I'm now writing a story (just A story, mind you) about Albus-Severus Potter, which is appropriately called "_I'm not Harry Potter_", a new generation fic that follows the crappiest finale and the even crappier epilogue. Harry's son Albus befriends twins Revalie and Roscoe Kroger as a new Dark Lord attacks the Wizarding World.

And here's the rundown on the characters:

1. Albus-Severus Potter: the second child of Harry and Ginny Potter and main character of the story  
2. Rose Weasley: daughter of Ron and Hermione Weasley and cousin of Albus  
3. Scorpius Malfoy: son of Draco Malfoy, sometime friend of Albus

These 3 are dubbed "_the next Golden Trio_", which they all hate. And to combat that silly name for their group, the following people have been included:  
1. London Reynolds: daughter of Martin Reynolds and goddaughter of James Morgan, who is Harry's godson in a number of fanfics  
2. Jacqueline-Fredricka Weasley (a.k.a. Jared): Julia's daughter, named after George's brother Fred and Julia's BFF Jacquel, both of whom married and died in several fanfics.  
3. Kenneth Braumlein: good friend of London and Jared; his orgins are a mystery.  
4. Sable: the son of Jacquel's beloved pet unicorn, he is often seen with Jared.  
5. Jacques Weasley: brother of Tim Weasley, who is featured in "The Life & Times of Teddy Lupin". His birth was a huge mystery, as he arrived 8 years after Tim was born.  
6. Alice Longbottom: daughter of Neville Longbottom, but not as brave as her father.

And in the new story that I'm writing, Albus has an encounter with psychic twins Revalie and Roscoe Kroger, who are the children of Magnus Kroger, who was Jacquel's old boyfriend. They and Al, along with his friends, must stop a new Dark Lord who is trying to finish what Voldemort started.

Also, family problems plague the former "Golden Trio" as rumors of lies and greed threaten to ruin their lives. Plus, Harry must deal with the ghost of a man he once hated and a girl he let down many years before. So there you go!

* * *

**Well, can it be done?**

1. I've deliberately avoided the "_Golden Trio_" grouping in favor of a more group-like setting.

2. Well, the older "Golden Trio" won't have much of a happy ending.

3. Al/Score or Rose/Score?

4. The original characters will become heroes in their own right as well.

5. Will there be descendants of the Dark Lord Voldemort? You can count on it!

And now for the next thing in this story: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**?

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _All was NOT well..._

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	47. All Was WellMY ASS!

**Claire**: And since JKR left off with Al's story hanging, I might as well finish it.

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**All Was Well...MY AS/S!**

_Now we all know the story did NOT have a happy ending_...

**Claire Violet Thorpe**: Here's what she left out while writing the story...

1. Harry and Ginny divorce

2. Hermione leaves Ron to pursue bigger career opportunity and doesn't return

3. Malfoy seeks to clear his family's name

4. Snape's "_ghost_" haunts Slytherin Tower

5. Neville is the best teacher around.

6. We never do find out whatever happened to various other characters that were in the story.

7. Lots of divorces and/or remarriages will occur.

8. Not to mention Al will suffer bad puns for his name.

9. Old prejudices are still there.

10. It's a bad fanfiction story disguised as a best-selling book.

* * *

Well, here's the reasons why:

1. After years of a false marriage, Harry just grew tired of Ginny and they divorce.

2. Ron and Hermione have a better time than Harry and Ginny, until Hermione gets a new job in Bulgaria and she doesn't come back. Ron is crushed. Perhaps she hooked back up with Victor Krum?

3. Because no one thought to pursue the Malfoy family for their role in the wizarding war. We all know Lucius will pay his way out of it.

4. Whatever happened to THAT part of the story? It would be interesting to see his ghost in the tower.

5. He became the "bravest Gryffindor of all" because we all know it. And he was the only decent wizard to begin with.

6. Which is a shame because she never even thought about them at all.

7. Because the wrong characters were paired up.

8. Why on earth would you name a kid after a man who abused you and ruined your life?

9. We thought the war was supposed to end all prejudices for good. But it didn't. And by the way, not all Slytherins are evil.

10. And we all know that that is a lie.

Also, why on earth would you end a story with the words "_all was well_"? This is the real world, not a fairy tale. We don't end our stories with "_all was well_".

And now for the next thing in this story: **WHO'S BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**?

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _Whatever happened to__..._

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	48. So, What Happened Back There?

**Claire**: Well, I did it once, but I have to do another one!

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**So, What Happened Back There?**

_Well, I have a Harry Potter/Charlie Bone Faceoff_...

**Claire Violet Thorpe**: Well, Harry goes up against his poor second cousin; things do not look good for both of them...

(round 1)

**Charlie Bone** says Harry Potter sucks!

**Harry Potter**: I don't suck! I'm the coolest wizard ever! You're just a pathetic little boy!

**Bella Swan**: You liar! You cheat, you hurt people, and you're not even nice to poor Snape! P.S. you're an idiot!

**Edward Cullen**: And besides, you let me die in "_Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire_"!

**Cho Chang**: Harry, how could you! And as for you, Cedric, you left me for HER?

**Edward Cullen**: No, Cho. I'm Edward Cullen. Cedric is dead.

**Charlie Bone**: And besides, Harry, I so OWN you! You're just a stupid boy with ugly glasses who waves a flimsy wooden stick shouting lame words and I'm the coolest guy around!

**Harry Potter**: Oh shut your trap, Charlie! You're nothing more than a poor imitation of me! I'm Harry Potter, the greatest fictional character who ever lived! I have great friends, I go to a cool school, and I got to fight a dark wizard! What do you do? You have crappy powers, lame friends, and the headmaster is your cousin! No wonder why your story isn't as popular as mine! And they can't even make slash pairings out of you and your friends like they do mine! And also, I got to marry a girl who likes me and...

**Charlie Bone**: Guess what, Harry? In the end of your series, _Deathly Hallows_ is crappy and filled with unnecessary deaths and you grow up and marry some Mary-Sue and have 3 pathetically misnamed children! But at the end of my series, I'm still 12 and I get to go to the best school in the world and I still have my parents! But you don't! So who's the poor imitation of who now?

**Emmett Cullen**: Dang you suck, Harry! Charlie Bone ROCKS!

**Cho Chang**: You say anything for kicks, eh, Emmett?

**Kanye West**: Yeah, Harry Potter, you think you all dat and a bag of chips, but when last I checked, Gandalf was the best wizard ever!

**Bella Swan**: Kanye, you're so mean!

**Harry Potter**: You don't mean that! You're a bad person!

**Emmett Cullen**: Awwww, can I get you some ice for that BURN?

**Edward Cullen**: Emmett, that was uncalled for.

(round 2)

******Master Of Literature **says Harry Potter, You are no longer King of fantasy. Your spot has been taken by Charlie Bone who is in Forks where he is very close friends with Bella Swan.

**Harry Potter: **WHAT? I've been taken over by that idiotic, stuck-up boy who wouldn't know talent if it smacked him in the face? This is an outrage! Hmmm...me and my good friend Hermione will give that stupid, prejudice Freadwardbobertmc'hammerhimesmitpolis Post something to report about...just you wait!

**Jacob Black: **Listen up you self absorbed brat, you lost a lot of fans when you married your friend Ron's stalker sister instead of Hermione in that final book, and it was a freaking letdown at that. So why don't you just shut up and live your life and let Charlie Bone become the star he's always meant to be?

**Charlie Bone: **I'm so sick of you trying to think you airheaded wizard. I've got cool ancestors unlike you! ok? And my good friend Jacob Black knows that Ginny is nothing but a (pretty) ... big pain in the neck! I'm fine with my girlfriend Livvy anyways.

**Harry Potter: **Why, how dare you offend my beautiful Ginny? This is the last straw! Mark my words, Bone, you and your silly, posy girlfriend are going to pay dearly for taking my hard earned place! I had to conquer my enemies using my talent and wit, and what did you do? Just got in trouble a few times and luckily got saved by your so-called friends! THIS IS WAR!

And if you have finished reading this, then **YOU'VE BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**!

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _It should have ended right there_...

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	49. How Book 5 Should Have Ended

**Claire**: It should have ended right there...

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**How Book 5 Should Have Ended**

**Claire**: (_very dramatic_) How _Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix_ Should Have Ended...

(_Everyone is in the Department of Mysteries_)

**Harry**: OK, here's what we do: Ron, you throw chess pieces at Lucius and call him all sorts of nasty names; Hermione, you throw a book at Bellatrix Lestrange...

**Neville**: Uh, Harry, I believe that's my job...

**Harry**: Uh, right, Neville. And as for you, Jacquel...well, you're next to useless unless you get yourself captured by Fenrir Greyback and then I can go rescue you.

**Jacquel**: Harry, you idiot! Are you taking my character and completely remaking it to create "_pointless drama_" that is completely unnecessary?

**Hermione**: Well, the viewers want to see you as the beautiful girl everyone loves and not be hated for no reason.

**Jacquel**: What? OK, that's it! I will NOT be bowing down to no Mary-Sueism! I quit this joint! We are all broken up! (_she storms off. Death Eaters show up and kill everyone. Hermione is heard screaming her head off_)

**Sirius**: Well, this ain't nothing like the ride at the Harry Potter park!

**Lupin**: You said it!

(_Voldemort gets his butt kicked_)

**Edward**: Hey, aren't you Lord Voldemort?

**Voldemort**: Why yes! Who are you?

**Edward**: You killed me back in the 4th book.

**Voldemort**: Cedric? Oh no! Not you!

**Edward**: Yes. Me. Now I'mma kick your butt!

**Wormtail**: You're on your own, Master! Stuff like this always ends in violence! (_he runs off_)

**Jacob**: Yes! Now, fight to the death! (_Mortal Kombat theme song plays as Edward beats up Voldemort_)

**Bella**: But why do you condone violence, Jake? Don't you know over a million Edward fangirls are gonna kill you for doing that?

**Jacob**: C'mon Bella; Edward's a million times stronger than that faker. (_Edward knocks Voldemort down_) Watch this: (_in Shao Kahn voice_) FINISH HIM!

**Edward**: Well, you had your chance to bring me back to life, but you fail. I guess there is a such thing as a lost cause...(_he tears Voldemort into pieces_)

**Sean**: I don't believe it!

**Mobley**: I didn't see that coming!

**Jacob**: (_still in Shao Kahn's voice_) Edward wins! FATALITY! (_Bella punches him in his arm_) What?

Well, here's a sign that the series has gone downhill and why Jacquel hates herself because they tried to make her into a Mary-Sue.

And how did Sirius and Lupin know about the Harry Potter theme park in the first place?

And if you have finished reading this, then **YOU'VE BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**!

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _Don't believe everything you read_...

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	50. The Final Harry Potter Song

**Claire**: It's getting down to the wire...

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**The Final Harry Potter Song...**

**Claire Violet Thorpe**: And now for a weird song...just so you know, it's actually based off the song ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN (which I don't own).

_Harry Potter was walkin' around_  
_London like it was his playground_  
_When suddenly **Aretmis Fowl** burst from his car_  
_And shot Harry with with his fairy gun_  
_Harry got pissed and began to attack_  
_But he got blocked by **Klaus Baudelaire**_  
_Who proceeded to open up a can of whoop ass on Artemis_  
_When **Lyra Belacqua** came out of the blue_

_And she started beating up Klaus and **Violet**_  
_Then they all got zapped by **Ginny**_  
_But before she could turn around and run_  
_**Anastasia** walked out of her grave_  
_And took an bazooka out from under her dress_  
_And she blew Ginny up just like that_  
_But **Ron** and **Hermione** decided to jump in_  
_And **Sunny** bit them and their wands broke_

_This is the final Harry Potter song...that I'm gonna sing_  
_'Cause after this there will be no more...yes, I'm moving on_  
_It's a literary battle, one for the ages_  
___This is the final Harry Potter song, which'll go in____t____o the history books_

_**Mrs. Weasley** took a belt and started spanking Sunny_  
___**Robbie Evans** kicked her_ because that just wasn't funny  
_And then **Caspian X **came in swinging his sword_  
_He got into a battle with **Neville Longbottom**_  
_And Ron was got mad and prepared to attack_  
_When Anastasia smacked him with a machete_  
_Hermione tripped and fell while trying to get away_  
_**Bella Swan** took her down with a kick to the head _

_Then she saw **Malfoy** about to attack her from behind_  
_But not to worry, **Jace Wayland** tossed him a new tailpipe_  
_And **Mr. Weasley **tried to shoot them with a gun _  
_And **Holly Short** cut him down to size._  
_Then **Butler** got into a fight with **Hagrid**_  
_While **Foaly** and **Firenze** fought using lightsabers_  
_And **Snape** and **Wormtail** tried to run from it all_  
_Then they both got killed by **Captain Jack Sparrow**, ohhh..._

___This is the final Harry Potter song...that I'm gonna sing_  
___'Cause after this there will be no more...yes, I'm moving on_  
It's a literary battle, one for the ages  
A showdown, which is getting into full swing...

_The **Secret Library Guardians** lined up...and blew their horns_  
_And guess who showed up...**Eragon**, of course!_  
_He and **Saphira** set Hogwarts on fire_  
_They took down half the Death Eaters  
And as they died from their injuries_  
_**Mungdungus Fletcher **got out of his disguise_  
_But Eragon knew what Mungdungus had done last summer_  
_And he yelled out "BRISINGR!" as he beheaded that jerk_

_Then **Clary Fray** and **Meggie Folchart **and_  
_"**that one kid from that weird TV show**" and_  
_**Bartok Rasputin** and **Jacquel Spartan** and_  
_**Prince Zuko** and **Elena Gilbert** and  
_**_Per_**_**cy Jackson**, all the **Teen Rebels**, **Bart Simpson**, and **Robert Langdon** and  
__**Jaeyamie Nealson**, **Temmy & Venus**, and every character from **Lord of the Rings** and  
__**Speed Racer** and **Peter Pan**,  
__**Lestat**, **Stewie Griffin**, **Kaylen Klieg**, and **Mr. T**  
__All of them showed up out of everywhere  
__And they totally took down **Lord Voldemort**  
__It was the most violent fight in literary history  
__And all the people around the world couldn't help but watch_

_The fight went on for 10 long years_  
_Causing unnecessary deaths, pain, and tears_  
_Harry Potter was FINALLY beaten, never to rise again  
And who was that champion? He showed up and everyone cheered:  
It was none other than **Charlie Bone**, wearing a bloodstained red cape!_

_____This is the final Harry Potter song...that I'm gonna sing  
____'Cause after this there will be no more...yes, I'm moving on  
____It's a literary battle, one for the ages  
______This is the final Harry Potter song, which'll go in____t____o the history books_

_____This is the final Harry Potter song_...  
_____This is the final Harry Potter song_...  
_____This is the final Harry Potter song_...  
_____That I'm gonna sing_

* * *

**Well, this is the most violent song in the history of songs!**

1. Harry Potter needs to be taken down more than just a notch.

2. The idea behind Snape and Wormtail getting killed by Captain Jack Sparrow came from "_Sweeney Todd_", where the guys who played as Snape, Wormtail, and Jack are in the musical (and yes, they can sing!)

3. And in the course of the song, all but a few people in _Harry Potter_ were killed off. Review and guess who the survivors were.

4. With a whole bunch of people taking down Lord Voldemort, it's a wonder he made so many enemies.

5. And we all knew Charlie was going to win in the end!

And if you have finished reading this, then **YOU'VE BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY**!

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _Will the REAL Half-Blood Prince PLEASE come forward?_

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	51. How Book 6 Should Have Ended

**Claire**: And so...the true half-blood prince has been revealed

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**How Book 6 Should Have Ended**

**Claire**: (_very dramatic_) How _Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince_ Should Have Ended...

(_Dumbledore's death_)

**Dumbledore**: Draco, put away your wand. You're not a killer.

**Bellatrix**: Zap him, Drake. He's a liar and a monster.

**Draco**: If you're saying that, why aren't YOU the one aiming your wand at him?

**Bellatrix**: Plain and simple; he killed my best friend! Joanna Rowes was my best friend and he killed her!

**Julia**: What? SHE was friends with my mother?

**Jacquel**: Inconceivable!

**Draco**: But what if it is true?

**Jacquel**: I'll take my chances on that.

**Snape**: I shall now...shoot him down like a dog! (_he makes to zap Dumbledore, but misses and zaps Harry instead_) Crap!

**Jacquel**: I'll do it...since he killed my mother and all...(_she kicks him off the tower "**300**" style_)

**Harry**: Jacquel, how could you?

**Jacquel**: He killed my mother! Why would you follow a man like him?

**Draco**: If he'd killed my mother, I would have done the same thing.

**Harry**: You really are an "_Evil Faith_"!

**Draco**: Only she can say that, Pothead! Not you!

**Snape**: And we all knew that Hagrid was the Half-Blood Prince all along!

**Harry**: What about you? Your mother's maiden name was Prince.

**Jacquel**: And that's what we all mean!

**Snape**: I always knew Hagrid's family was messed up. His mother was a walrus and his father smelled of applesauce.

**

* * *

**

**What have I NOT done?**

1. Well, I always wondered what went on in Hagrid's family...

2. There is some proof that Bellatrix wasn't the crazy murderous woman we all know.

3. Dumbledore clearly deserved more than just Jacquel kicking him.

4. Snape clearly needs to stop with the Monty Python jokes.

5. And don't even get me started on the rest of the story...

And if you have finished reading this, then YOU'VE BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY!

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _Don't believe everything you read..._

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	52. What Happened Here? How did a great seri

**Claire**: I must admit that not everyone liked the end of the series too much...

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing! Not the sayings! I only own this chapter and my personal views on Deathly Hallows.

* * *

**What Happened Here? How did a great series get ruined like that?**

**Claire**: Well, when I was doing a tribute video for Harry Potter on YouTube, I came across some icons about Deathly Hallows. And guess what? The icons I chose bashed the book. And here's an example of them:

I read the Epilogue and felt a lot better...when I embraced the AS/S

DH's Epilogue=the worst fanfic ever

"All was well": Ten Years...and that's all you could come up with?

Jo, I've read the epilogue and there's something I'm dying to ask you...just what the hell were you on when you wrote the epilogue? with love, the Fandom

Harry/Ginny...19 years later and they still suck

Epilogue FTL

Molly kills Bella and Harry marries a Weasley...GOD BLESS FANFICTION

Fred dies and George loses an ear...GOD BLESS FANFICTION

Harry married Ginny and Draco married an other female character...GOD BLESS FANFICTION

Hermione married Ron and Draco married an other female character...GOD BLESS FANFICTION

The Epilogue sucked...GOD BLESS FANFICTIONBook 8: Harry Potter & the Pissed Off Fandom

HEDWIG THE OWL...put up with Harry's shenanigans only to die in a fight

fanfiction is afterlife

Snape is dead. Who needs canon anyway?

I stuck with Harry to the very end...and all I got was a ***** ending

Dear JKR, Haha! Good one! So when do we get the real book?

I read Harry Potter for 10 years and all I got was a ****** ending

I've read the epilogue and...thanks for playing the uterus, Ginny!

I've read the epilogue and...it never happened because I said so!

I've read the epilogue and...I'm still laughing my ******* a$$ off!

I've read the epilogue and...what the **** were you on, Rowling?

I've read the epilogue and...thanks for the AS/S, Jo!

I've read the epilogue and...it hurt!

I've read the epilogue and...all was not ******* well, JK!

I've read the epilogue and...I have officially moved to denial land.

AS/S (Albus Severus/Scorpius) 'cause seriously, JKR, whatcha gonna do with all that AS/S, all that AS/S inside that book?

The crapilogue...or happens when you don't finish school

Neville got a million more fangirls in the 7th book

I cried more at the epilogue than when Fred died because the ending sucked so freaking much!

Snape/Lily: this is canon how?

The only thing missing from the epilogue is the love child of Bellatrix and Voldemort

If the encyclopeida is ANYTHING like the epilogue...then no thanksDoesn't matter how many times you read it. Epilogue still sucks.

"_All was well_"...except for ruining a great series with a fangirl moment

Harry names his daughter after his mother and his sons after the men who loved her. Ew.

I read the Epilogue and felt a lot better...after I stopped banging my head against the wall

Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived when my favorite characters didn't

Harry Potter obviously doesn't own a baby naming book

Harry's next kids will be named Sirius Remus and Dobby Hedwig

The epilogue: what happens when you do drugs

Harry's kids wished he'd let Ginny name them

Albus-Severus and Scorpius bonded over the mutual hatred of their names

Someone needs to buy Harry a baby naming book

Rose and Hugo: at least they're original names

Harry's kids: What? No "Fred Potter"?

THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: _To some, the end of a saga. To Harry/Hermione shippers, one long middle finger_

7 books of fighting almighty Voldemort and in the end he kills himself? LAME!

So when's Book 8 out?

And if you have finished reading this, then YOU'VE BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY!

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _How to properly wrap up the series..._

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	53. How the Harry Potter Series Should Have

**Claire**: Here's how an angry fan summed up the entire book...

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**How the Harry Potter Series Should Have Ended**

(WARNING: TRUE FANS WILL BE DISGUSTED WITH THEMSELVES FOR EVEN LIKING THE BOOK; HATERS WILL CHEER!)

**Claire**: (_very dramatic_) How the Harry Potter Series Should Have Ended...

**Angry fan**: With _Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows _being the most pathetic finale I have ever seen, I have decided that the story should have ended like this:

* * *

(how _Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows_ should have ended...)

**Harry**: I'm about to take down Dumbledore. Who's willing to fight with me?

**Jacquel**: Well, before I answer that question, there's something you need to know: Dumbledore was actually in league with Grindelwald.

**Seamus**: And both of them knocked me up. Twice.

**Jacquel**: Back to my original question: how dumb are you?

**Ron**: That's not very nice!

**Bellatrix**: I knew Dumbledore was a stupid old bastard...(_Neville chops her head off_)

**Neville**: Yeah! That's for my family, you bitch! (_Nagini hisses at him_) Don't think I won't go for you! (_he kills Nagini_)

**Ron**: Whoa, Neville! You've gone all badass!

**Hermione**: Exactly like that wolf-guy said.

**Jacquel**: And I'm supposed to marry the blonde haired guy.

**Harry**: Lucius Malfoy?

**Jacquel**: No way! I'm not marrying him, not with his long hair, elegant clothes, swinging that pimp cane around...no!

**Voldemort**: I have my wand out, Potter. I'm going to kill you now.

**Sean**: Not if I kill you first! (_he pounces on Voldemort and kills him. then someone shows up_)

**Sirius**: Hey, what'd I miss?

**Seamus**: Not much, just Sean killed Voldemort, Remus knocked up your cousin and bolted, and Jacquelyn got married.

**Sirius**: To who?

**James** (from _Twilight_): Unfortunately, she has married Caius from the Volturi.

**All**: WHAT?

**Fred**: You mean to tell me that after all this time, Magnus and I were about to fight for Jacquel and SHE runs off and marries someone else?

**Magnus**: Jacquel, what were you thinking?

**Jacquel**: Yeah, I should have said I was engaged to Caius since I was 9 years old.

**Magnus**: He's a vampire! You can't marry him! Think of your fans!

**Jacquel**: I have no fans; only idiots who think my grandpa was a monster and my grandmother smelled of poisoned goop!

**Harry**: Well, this sucks! Jacquel marries a vampire, Fred dies, George loses an ear, Hermione marries Ron, Draco marries some other girl, and Dumbledore is a douche. (_noticing fans leaving_) Hey, where do you think you're going?

**Fan #1**: We're leaving you, Harry. Your story sucks!

**Fan #2**: You shouldn't have married that Ginny Weasley in the first place!

**Fan #3**: I still remembered what you did to that Cedric Diggory!

**Harry**: But why are you ditching me?

**Magnus**: Plain and simple, Harry. Nobody likes you anymore.

**Harry**: Why me?

The End!

* * *

**Claire**: Well, that's kind of harsh, even for me!

**Angry fan**: But you need to realize that the final book sucked!

**Claire**: I did. So that's why I quit the series.

**Angry fan**: But that's not enough.

**Claire**: Well, what do you want then? Me to tell you how the story really ended?

**Angry fans**: YES!

**Claire**: Ok then!

* * *

(how _Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows_ really ended...)

**Narrator**: With Harry's death, the wizarding world fell into disarray. Hermione left and went to Australia to look for her parents. Ron left the Weasleys and joined his brother Charlie. Teddy was raised by his mother, grandmother, and sister. Neville becamse the new hero of Hogwarts. Ginny committed suicide upon hearing about Harry's death. The Malfoys moved to France. And when the Ministry of Magic discovered Dumbledore's connections to Grindelwald, he was called a traitor and his name was forever tarnished. Seamus LeSouse-Rowes was honored as a hero. Amber Dumbledore married Severus Snape and they went to live in Knockturn Alley with their children and Stacey, James, and Gabriel. Jacquel moved to Italy. And the others dropped out of Hogwarts.

But as for Harry, he reunited with his parents, which was sad because the only time the Potter family were together was in death. The end.

* * *

**Claire**: So, how did I do?

**Angry fans**: (Cheering)

**Claire**: Well, that's all for this story! So remember folks to always read good books and never to obsess over them, because obsession is like crack and that's a very bad thing! And if you have finished reading this, then YOU'VE BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY!

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _The End!_

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	54. But For a True Hero

**Claire**: Well, before I end this story, I'd like to pay homage to a true hero in Harry Potter...

* * *

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

**But For a True Hero...**

**Claire**: In all the Harry Potter bashing that I have done, there is one other person who is worthy of being a hero. His name is Neville Longbottom. As we all know, Neville Longbottom had come a long way from being a clumsy forgetful boy we first met in _Harry Potter & the Sorcerer's Stone_ and now with _Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows_, we see him come into his own with killing Nagini (the Dark Lord's snake) and becoming the true hero that Harry never really was. In honor of that, we like to kick Neville up to the level of another hero...namely CHUCK NORRIS! So here we go!

**Neville Longbottom Jokes**

God said, "Let there be light!" and Neville Longbottom walked in.

Neville Longbottom shaves with the sword of Gryffindor.

Neville Longbottom is the reason the Leaky Cauldron got its name.

Justin Timberlake claimed to be bringing sexy back. Neville Longbottom invented sexy.

Neville Longbottom: better than Harry since 1980.

Neville Longbottom doesn't bowl strikes; he hits 1 pin and the other 9 freak out and die.

Jacob Black thinks he's the hottest guy on earth; Neville Longbottom is even hotter than him.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Neville Longbottom.

Neville Longbottom can slam revolving doors.

Why did Stephenie Meyer end "_Breaking Dawn_" the way she did? Well, if she had put Neville Longbottom in the book, the Volturi would have all died upon seeing him.

Neville Longbottom can touch MC Hammer.

Some people say that Neville Longbottom is a coward. Those "some people" are now dead.

Forget Team Edward and Team Jacob; I'm on Team Neville!

Team Neville: because going from coward to badass is cool!

I love Neville Longbottom, because he's better than Harry Potter.

I love Neville Longbottom, because Harry Potter is an idiot.

I love Neville Longbottom, because killing a snake and earning a fan club is far better than Harry Potter faking his own death and marrying a redhaired stalker fangirl.

Everybody loves Raymond. Everyone except for Neville Longbottom.

Mr. T pities the fool. Neville Longbottom rips the fool's head off.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Neville Longbottom.

Neville Longbottom planted the Whomping Willow.

Harry Potter backed down when fighting the Dark Lord. Neville Longbottom charged forward and killed Nagini. Who's the hero now?

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Neville Longbottom turned that wine into firewhiskey.

Neville Longbottom does not sleep. He waits.

Neville Longbottom did in fact, build Hogwarts in a day.

Google won't search for Neville Longbottom because it knows you don't find Neville, he finds you.

When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Neville Longbottom is never the rotten egg.

If you spell Neville Longbottom in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Neville Longbottom was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a scaredy-cat would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelry. I could do it all in one take."

If you see Neville Longbottom fighting a snake, don't help Neville, help the snake.

When Bellatrix Lestrange goes to sleep every night, she checks her closet for Neville Longbottom.

Emmett Cullen owns a pair of Neville Longbottom pajamas.

The only thing Charlie Bone, Percy Jackson, and Neville Longbottom can agree on is that Harry Potter killed Cedric Diggory.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Neville Longbottom can touch this.

Neville Longbottom had to confound the Goblet of Fire NOT to choose him.

Threstals can see Neville Longbottom only if someone's dying.

The only letter in Neville Longbottom's alphabet soup are B, A, M, F.

When Neville Longbottom was being sorted, the Sorting Hat did not shout "Gryffidor!" Instead, it said, "FUTURE BAD A$$ MOTHER F***ER!"

Neville Longbottom should have been the Boy-Who-Lived; he would have figured out that Professor Quirrell was looking from the sorcerer's stone, found out that Ginny Weasley had opened the Chamber of Secrets, told the truth about Sirius Black, realized that the Twiwizard Tournament was rigged, THOUGHT before chasing after Sirius, stood up to Umbridge, and realized that Dumbledore was a manipulating, lying traitor who wanted to take over the world.

For Jacquel's wedding gift, Neville Longbottom gave her the Hogwarts Express. Which was quite impressive because he lifted the entire train and set it up in Italy in one evening.

Yes, it's Neville Longbottom's birthday. But the jokes about him are getting old.

**Claire**: Well, with all these jokes that we're telling, I say Neville must be the real hero and not stupid Harry Potter. So let's give him moment...or even better, his own book series, since he's worthy of this honor. And if you think I'm just joking when I talk about Neville, then YOU'VE BEEN READING A BAD HARRY POTTER FANFICTION STORY!

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more fun stuff!

* * *

Next time: _The End!_

Review, subscribe, and send me some of your bad fanfiction stories. I'd love to read them and possibly post them.


	55. And Another Thing

And another thing...

I wrote this little piece that talks about what happened when the Christmas party was held at Kingsley's house and Moody sang "Dirty Harry" while drunk. And now, I shall add this to the story:

From "_I'm Dreaming of a Slash Christmas_"

**Kingsley**: Remember last year at my house, when Moody pratically butchered that one song by what's-his-name...(_everyone remembers last year, when Moody attempted to sing the Gorillaz's _**Dirty Harry**_. Unfortunately Harry got embarrased and Jacquel humilated Moody even further by posting the entire thing on YouTube, which got over 1.6 million hits within 30 minutes of posting._)

Here's what happened at that Christmas party...

At Kingsley's house, everyone there had dared each other to drink sangria wine. Yes, the grownups were all daring each other to drink the wine. The kids were so embarrassed and they didn't participate much at the Christmas party.

Meanwhile, Elphias Doge dared Daedalus Diggle to drink sangria wine and sing "_Dirty Harry_" by the Gorillaz. But Alastor Moody thought it meant him and so he reached over to grab a rather large glass of the wine, drink it all down, and then stood on the table and began dancing. Everyone watched the scene in disbelief. And that just happened when Jacquel and Harry came down the stairs.

The song began playing, with Moody singing the words: _He's a small boy alone in the world, and yet's he naughtier than Bill Clinton. But he's gotta fight that blasted old Dark Lord, but he'll beat him for sure; you all know who he is, he's Dirty Harry Potter!_

Harry dropped his jaw and screamed his head off. And Jacquel grabbed her video camera and recorded the whole thing. Moody said to Harry, "So do ya feel lucky? Do ya, punk?"

Richard jumped into action and rescued his dad. He said, "He's had enough to drink, so if you don't mind, I'm taking him home and putting him straight to bed." They both disapparated to the Moody house.

Harry fainted and everyone gasped, rushing to his side. Jacquel took this chance to rush to her netbook, edit the video she just shot, and upload the whole thing onto YouTube. Within 30 minutes, the video received over 1.6 million hits, where scores of people watching the video and laughed their heads off at the sight of an apparently drunk Moody trying to sing _Dirty Harry_.

And as for Moody himself, he was humiliated, to say that in the least. Poor Richard had to take the brunt of all drunk jokes from the Knights. "Next time, we have the party in my house," Richard thought to himself.

And as for Jacquel, no one dared to mess with her lest she would threaten to put embarrassing videos of them on YouTube, which she did on a number of occasions.

And as for Harry, he banned the "_Dirty Harry_" movies from the Dursley household. Mr. and Mrs. Dursley were not happy about that, and they were even less happier with Jacquel's YouTube video spoofing the whole thing. Dudley, however, loved the video and he teased Harry to no end during the rest of the holidays.

This story is now done.


End file.
